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Just complaining

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Hyssopus

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I got discharged from an inpatient facility (was admitted for PTSD and dysthymia) not long ago and right now I’m struggling quite a bit. I am not currently seeing a therapist. I am scared that seeing a therapist will make me worse. It has in the past.

I really feel like making big changes in my life (divorcing my wife, quitting my job) or just be dead and I’m trying to just sit on the fence for a bit until I feel better.

I just spent 3 months in a place where one can get someone to talk to 24/7. I rarely asked for talks. Now I wish I had someone I could talk to and there’s no one here. I wish I had talked more while I was there. I don’t know if I can talk more if I go back.

I feel like I got worse while being there, but I still want to go back. I want help, but I’m not good at receiving it. The therapists/staff know what they are doing, but I don't know how to get better.

I feel like I’m just asking for attention by writing this.

I just want things to feel better and I hope they will soon.
 
I just want things to feel better and I hope they will soon.
Hey, @Hyssopus . I hear you and hope this for you, too. I certainly don't think you're asking for attention.

Did your inpatient facility give you any advice/assistance for making your reintegration into outpatient life a little easier?
I remember how much of a shock to the system inpatient discharge was for me, and I had only been in for 3 weeks not 3 months.

Do you have any numbers of phone lines in your area that you can ring if you just need to talk to someone? Those are often staffed by professionals, or if not, volunteers with specific training.

I really feel like making big changes in my life (divorcing my wife, quitting my job) or just be dead and I’m trying to just sit on the fence for a bit until I feel better.
I think sitting on the fence sounds a good idea :)
Even though we feel in those moments that some big change will help solve everything, it's generally better to leave major life decisions to a point in time when we're feeling more stable and regulated.
And you will get there. It just takes a little time, and some help to make that sitting on the fence a wee bit more comfy.

Also, is it an option for you to go inpatient again if this is all feeling too much? To acquire those skills to help reintegration, and then be discharged again?
 
If it will help, very few of us like asking for help or talking about what is bothering us. It's something we have to learn. It's hard to open up when we have kept things buried inside.

Sounds like you would be more open to going back and starting again. This is what PTSD is, starting again. Many times and in many ways. I hear that you want change.

Maybe the first go-around was for you to see that the people there know what they are doing. It takes time to build trust. Remember, we get 'do overs'. That's how healing works.

Wishing you well on seeking your healing truth.
 
Thank you so much for your kind words and support @bellbird. You have helped me a lot :-)

Did your inpatient facility give you any advice/assistance for making your reintegration into outpatient life a little easier?
I remember how much of a shock to the system inpatient discharge was for me, and I had only been in for 3 weeks not 3 months.

They did, but I declined the help. When I was admitted they asked me what kind of a plan I had for help after I got discharged. I said that if I would get worse from being there (doing trauma work) I wanted to mend the pieces back together by my self. They actually asked me several times during the stay if I was OK with there being no help when I got out. I told them that was my plan. It says in my discharge papers that I don’t want to see a therapist, which is kind of true but also kind of not true. I want to get better, but I think I have to get worse to get better and that talking to someone will get me to feel worse. I can’t get worse while at work or around my spouse. Or maybe I just want attention. Maybe I just want to feel horrible and for someone to feel sorry for me.

Do you have any numbers of phone lines in your area that you can ring if you just need to talk to someone? Those are often staffed by professionals, or if not, volunteers with specific training.

There is a phone number I can call, staffed by volunteers with specific training. I’ve never called them and I don’t feel like doing that right now, but next time I feel like I felt yesterday I hope I remember that there is somewhere that I can call. Thank you for bringing that to my attention :-)

Even though we feel in those moments that some big change will help solve everything, it's generally better to leave major life decisions to a point in time when we're feeling more stable and regulated.
And you will get there. It just takes a little time, and some help to make that sitting on the fence a wee bit more comfy.

I think you are so right and that is why I´m just sitting here. In a way I just want everything to go away and be over, but I also hope that life can be better than this and that I can make it and become somewhat more content later.
 
Thank you so much for your reply @ladee. There is so much support here and it makes me feel both lucky to have this site, and so much less alone.

If it will help, very few of us like asking for help or talking about what is bothering us. It's something we have to learn. It's hard to open up when we have kept things buried inside.

This helps me a lot. This is something I am feeling right now. I know I need help, but it feels like I would be doing something wrong by asking for it. I am very scared of opening up. I am afraid of the things I have to go through (and I think my problems are also related to avoiding the horrible stuff). I am also scared that things will get so overwhelming that I might say things or behave in ways that others might find uncomfortable and that what I have to share will make other people feel disgusted.

I hope I can find a way to get help and get better.
 
Hey, @Hyssopus , how are you going? :)
I think I have to get worse to get better and that talking to someone will get me to feel worse.
There are ups and downs with therapy for sure, but it's definitely manageable and you'll be working with a professional who can help you to manage rough patches and go at a pace you are comfortable with.

It may be a good idea just to have a look into therapy, even if no set plans to follow through at this stage?
If you have a read around on the forum, you'll find that a large proportion of us are/have been in therapy, and find it really helpful. :)
 
Hey, @Hyssopus , how are you going? :)

I'm getting better and it really helped me to write things down and get response. Thank you for being so kind @bellbird :-)

It may be a good idea just to have a look into therapy, even if no set plans to follow through at this stage?

If you have a read around on the forum, you'll find that a large proportion of us are/have been in therapy, and find it really helpful. :)

I have asked for a referral to an inpatient hospital (the same place I got discharged from a short while ago). I will have to be evaluated, but if I get to go there again it will be next winter or maybe the winter after that (I have a job that is very important to me, the busy season is coming soon and I don't want to risk this, and the waiting is also a consequence of living in a Scandinavian welfare state, everyone has access to the same good health care, but you have to wait for your turn).

I have lost a job, dropped out of school and later university studies because of my problems (my paperwork calls it PTSD, I also think that most of it is trauma related, but right now I feel like I am just lazy and broken that everything is my fault, that I have nothing to complain about, I am a deficient, flawed, unfit, defective, disgusting, faulty, broken person).

The last time my problems really messed up my life I was enrolled in a masters program and seing a therapist (she was actually a psychiatrist, she prescribed medication but she also saw me once a week) at the same time (it was probably around 2008-2011). The therapy definitely contributed to me dropping out. I informed the therapist that I was getting worse several months before dropping out and I told her I wanted this to quit quite a few times before I was able to end the sessions and get away. By then I was very far down and hardly worked/studied until a few years later, 2014 was the year where things really turned around.

I know therapy can make me worse. Right now I have to get ready for the season at work. I wish there was something that could help and make me feel better sooner (I have tried several different medications and I don't think pills will help me now), but I don't think there is anything. I have trust issues and I don't feel like being in a room with a stranger that has red a referral from my doctor or just anything from my psychiatric medical records (with information on horrible things I don't feel like talking about with people I know either).

I want help, I have asked for, and will probably get it later. Right now I have to figure out how to take care of myself until I am ready to face my demons. I am trying to work on relaxing the body, feeling emotions and I also need to work on my trust issues. I also wish to get some physical exercise in there somehow.
 
It sounds like you have a lot of awareness of the steps you need to take (though I don't agree with you being defective/disgusting/etc. I think that is the trauma/PTSD talking.

Physical exercise as helped me a lot, I think it'd be a great step to taking care of yourself and relaxing the body.

I really do wish all the best for you, @Hyssopus :)
 
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