Just found out my husband committed financial infidelity

[Scarlet13]

Hi so I am posting about this very personal issue here to get multiple perspectives and support.
I am very upset and feel like vomiting right now. I am waiting for my sister to call me back.
My husband survived a company merger back in March but got a pay decrease of about 15 k. He did not tell me though and ended up spending 5, 000 k that was in our savings. It was just on reg stuff like groceries, but we could have cut back had I known.

He did end up getting a better job, but it is bittersweet now.

I was holding off on buying a car and we were going to look at one tom but now he has told me he used the money we were saving for a down payment.

He is very apologetic and is owning this. This is an isolated incident. He did lie once before about an issue related to this job, but the financial piece of this is isolated.
He has lied to me twice really in our 10 yrs of marriage.

He said he did not tell me because he was worried I would become suicidal or leave him. I yelled back, "I may have PTSD but am not made of glass."

Also, I am really good at penney pinching, I grew up poor.
I am good at surviving set backs and he knows that he is blaming me even though he is also blaming himself.

I already cannot trust the world.
He is one of the best things that happened to me and this is earth shattering to me.
The good news is that we could afford therapy (on top of my trauma therapy) now with the new job.

I am just not sure if we should do couples therapy or if he should do individual therapy.

He lied because of shame and fear.
I have asked repeatedly if the new job is real or just another lie. He says yes.
He gave his two weeks with the other job, so it seems legit. But I have no more trust.
It feels like it is impossible to have any insecurity.

I don't know how to get through this.
Outside of this there are no other issues with our marriage, he is very loving to me and I adore him, but right now I feel sickened and paralyzed by fear.

I am also very numb and disassociating. I would contact my T, but it is the holidays.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am just not sure if we should do couples therapy or if he should do individual therapy.

Is it possible to afford both? If not then go to couples therapy in order to work through this distressing situation and find some common ground and keep you marriage intact.

I am also very numb and disassociating. I would contact my T, but it is the holidays.

Do you have an emergency phone number to call or a hot line crises counselor to have someone to talk to?

 

[Scarlet13]

I am waiting to talk to my sister.
I think I will contact my therapist to see if she could do a phone session.
I am already in therapy and so we think we will get therapy for him.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Sorry for your situation.

Finances bring up lots of baggage- not trying to make excuses but I struggle on the other side of this- hard to admit that we make less money- not wanting to disappoint- many men believe that they should be the provider so it can be a double whammy. Not saying this was the right thing to do but suggesting this is not so much about him keeping a secret from you and could be more about him trying to deal with the situation and not asking (confiding in you) for help. (Maybe he feel like he doesn’t contribute enough and by him bringing this up it would have created more pressure - poor choice on his part but this is him and not you.)

If couples therapy isn’t an option maybe he would benefit from talking through his challenges too.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes this is totally what happened. He lied though over and over again for 10 mos to keep this secret.
I have been going thru benzo withdrawal and had severe symptoms like suicidal thoughts.
He was afraid that if I knew about the pay cut I would kill myself which pisses me off because I have a track record of handling bad financial news like this. Like he got laid off once and we worked together as a team.
This was before benzo withdrawal but still.

Oh, and my sister is not making time for me. She can be cold and apathetic because she went through a lot of abuse and just isn't dealing with it.
So I had to text my T to see if she could do a phone session.
It feels like I have no one but my T who I am paying, so everything feels shitty.
My husband has taken on a lot the past 5 years because of my mental illness and this lie has come out him just caving from the pressure of doing a lot of the parenting and then he jeeps saying he felt like a failure when they cut his pay so he hid it he could not bare to see me upset and having panic so he just hid it and lied and then told himself it was for me.
Now I feel like who can I trust?
Who do I even have in this world?
This is bullshit that he could not trust me because of my benzo withdrawal and PTSD but I could gave handled it and he knows that.
I keep thinking about all the stuff we bought and thought it was all ok. We even took a mini vacation! WTF???

 

[MyWillow]

Ok just been through this with regards to my partner hiding multiple speeding fines. In my name because the cars are in my name. After multiple conversations about not doing so. Yeah it was shit. I was absolutely furious and still feeling tense about it. To me it felt like an absolute deal breaker. And still does as the situation hasn’t been resolved as yet. It’s not. But it feels like it. I’m working on it. I don’t do trust and this really knocked me hard. I think this as much about me as it is about him.

 

[scout86]

You're probably not going to like this. If it really upsets you, feel free to blow it off.

I'd like to suggest that you take a deep breathe and relax. As far as you know, he's only lied twice in 10 years? That's not really a bad track record. And, both times, he apparently lied in some kind of misguided attempt to protect you? I think you might have to look long and hard to find a better life partner than the one you have. Especially considering all the other nice things you said about him.

I totally get that being lied to is hard and trust is hard enough anyway, and I totally get that you'd be mad. I would too. (Especially about the part of this that suggests my partner thought I was THAT fragile.) But, basically, he made a mistake. He didn't trust you as much as you wish he had. He thought you had enough on your plate and wanted to protect you, and he was wrong. People make mistakes. If that's the worst thing he ever does? It's probably well worth working through it. I'd vote for couples therapy. Does your T do that too? Because working with someone who already knows you might make it easier to teach him what you do and don't need to be "protected" from.

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks for your insights that is really calming. I am now fighting trigger after trigger and feeling completely lonely.
I just do not understand, in his effort to "protect" me he massively hurt me.
I am really good at handling financial insecurity as I have grown up with it.
I am trying couples therapy with a diff T.
My T does not due this and I do not want to share her anyways.
I think that we will do couples therapy to work thru this and then he can stay on to do individual therapy if he wants.
It is hard not to see him as pretty much on par with the abusive men my mom married.

I am REALLY depressed and having suicidal thoughts but I have put a call into my T.
I will call a hot line if I need to, but right now it is just depression like the kind that pins you to the bed.
I would talk to him about it but apparently my depression causes him to lie and deceive me.
I am trying not to need anything from him.

 

[Suzetig]

It is hard not to see him as pretty much on par with the abusive men my mom married.

I'm going to ask you to really challenge those thoughts, given everything you've said about him he sounds like a good man. He isn't an abuser, he hasn't been unfaithful to you (financial infidelity?) and I'm not sure you going into a tailspin about this will do you or him any good.

He didn't tell you about the change in your financial circumstances- you say you could have handled the news but I wonder if he perhaps saw how badly you were struggling with benzo withdrawal and suicidal thoughts in a way that you simply can't when you're in it? You aren't talking about a minor depression here - his wife wanted to kill herself, I think with PTSD we become overly familiar with suicidal thoughts etc and forget just how scary and awful and extreme it is to want to end your own life, or how dreadful it is for our loved ones to watch.

I know my husband sometimes has a better idea of the stress I'm under than I do because my mindset is to keep in going. Always. Until I can't anymore. When I'm in a keep going mindset I feel like I can take on the world, throw anything at me and I'll be fine when actually I'm two steps away from a breakdown - which I literally can't see until it happens. But my husband knows me well and can see the signs and tries to protect me which, as much as I hate it, hate needing it, is part of his job as my life partner.

It's ok to be pissed off that he didn't tell you - and to not want him to try and protect you but from your own description you sounded incredibly vulnerable at the time. It's also worth considering that he was possibly at the limit of what he could cope with in terms of supporting you and simply couldnt cope with adding another stressor into the mix.

I can also understand him feeling shameful about his job etc and while you would have wanted to support him in that it sounds like you were struggling to support yourself much less anyone else. For someone to lie twice in 10 years is pretty good going - I'd be happy with that. He didn't take you into debt or financial difficulty, you used some savings you might otherwise not have used, which is a pain but surely savings are there to fill the gap?

I can see why he did it, and why you would be upset - you're thoughts are spiralling though and it would help a lot if you could challenge yourself about whether he may have been right (in his own mind) to protect you. He sounds very far from being abusive.

 

[Freida]

Yea...bout that. I'm going to have to jump on the "he made the wrong decision for the right reasons" bandwagon

(Maybe he feel like he doesn’t contribute enough and by him bringing this up it would have created more pressure - poor choice on his part but this is him and not you.)

agreed---- everything you are going through -- benzo withdrawl/ptsd/blah blah... and now hes going to dump a job loss on you too. Sure, you could have handled it - but did you NEED to? What are the chances he was feeling like crap because the one thing he is supposed to do is support you -- and now he cant. If he's a typical guy this is the beginning of a whole "I'm a loser" spiral

I know my husband sometimes has a better idea of the stress I'm under than I do because my mindset is to keep in going.

Ditto. Mine calls me out all the time when I'm feeling just fine. Then he points out how I'm acting and its a whole different story


And this I'm guessing you wont like...so.... read at your own risk

My husband has taken on a lot the past 5 years because of my mental illness and this lie has come out him just caving from the pressure of doing a lot of the parenting and then he jeeps saying he felt like a failure when they cut his pay so he hid it he could not bare to see me upset and having panic so he just hid it and lied and then told himself it was for me

So this lie came out of him caving under pressure? Ok. And? He cracked and he lied about it. Have you never done that? Made a mistake and lied to not cause pain to someone else?

HE CRACKED UNDER THE PRESSURE.

Take a step back and look at that again. He is working full time, he is doing the parenting, he has a wife with PTSD that he obviously adores and wants to help and then he loses his job. And his main concern is what that will do to you. He is worried about adding additional pressure into your world. He didn't want to do that -- so he lied about it. Was he right to lie? No. Can I understand it? Yes.

Supporters are human beings who are with us through our good times and our bad. They are there to try to help us keep our heads above water and help us feel like humans and teach us it's ok to love. And if I'm understanding you, you are pissed that yours tried to protect you from something that was going to add a ton of stress to your life at the same time you were already neck deep in a nightmare.

He lost his job and then he put all his energy into thinking of your feelings and your stress level and how this would affect you. What about how it was affecting him? Did you even take a moment and think about that or are you so pissed off that he lied to you for only the second time in your 10 year relationship that you never once gave him a thought? Can you care so little for him that your first response to finding out that he had lied about money to protect you was demanding that he go to counseling? He didn't spend it playing the ponies or hookers-- he spent it buying groceries for gods sake. Yes - he may have been misguided --- but it was to try to HELP YOU.

And now --- you want him to go to counseling because you can't trust him. Seriously?

 

[EveHarrington]

He didn’t want you to die.

<end of story>

Yeah, he really needs to go to counseling so he can get over that pesky feeling of being terrified at the thought of losing you forever.

 

[Friday]

This is bullshit that he could not trust me because of my benzo withdrawal and PTSD but I could gave handled it and he knows that.

Clearly he not only didn’t know that ... but I seriously want you to look at this

I am REALLY depressed and having suicidal thoughts

^^^
This. Is how you’re handling the news now. Without the benzo withdrawal & massive symptom spike as baseline.

The idea that you could have handled it? Is magical thinking. Maaaaaaybe you would have handled it like you did in the past. Maybe you’d be handling it like you are now: suicidal, slammed by triggers, mixing him up with abusers in your past, questioning your entire marriage, and completely gutted / mind f*cked. You’re doing this much better now than you were 10 months ago ...and it’s still ripped you apart.

I think he made the right call. In an extremely difficult situation. Where either choice = hard consequences, he chose the option that might mean divorce, but you’d live. That’s love. Right there. Your life over his happiness. Worst case scenario? You would be mad at him, but at least you’d be alive TO be mad at him.