Childhood "Just getting over" an abusive childhood and confused/immature adulthood

NotWeakNotStupid

Policy Enforcement
Unfortunately, i do react to situations where someone is mocking me by bullying them, and part of the reason why i'm like this is because i had survive being in school by laughing and making my classmates laugh. For example, in 4th grade, i had this teacher who enjoyed making fun of her students, there were around 5 of us that she used as a scapegoat for her abusive/manipulative. This was a private school, and our parents tried to get together to get her fired, but i was actually one of the people who "screwed it up" when my parents were like:

there's going to be other parents their today to watch her behavior...

and this was 22 years ago, so what my mom said after that is really blurry. The parents walked away and were convinced that it was the 5 scapegoats in a class of 20-30 students who were the problem, and the teacher kept her job. A couple years later though, the parents tried to get rid of her again and it actually worked. When i was talking to my dad about this a sometime in my life, he was basically saying she must have some sort of retarded sociopath, because he worked with retarded people when he was a young adult.

And even though i've received all sorts of validation from other people, i get emotionally unstable and aggressive pretty easily, if i can't put the brakes on what i do really fast then i stop talking to people, beat up on myself, stop sleeping, drink, smokes cigarettes, pleasure eat, do drugs, and try really hard to lash out at anyone for some sort of "mistake". Unfortunately this pattern of behavior keeps popping up every couple of months despite the fact that i'm still here typing this. I've spent time talking to therapists and trying their drugs, and unfortunately i find myself confused about "what's wrong with me" still. I've also also experienced a lot of physical violence from myself and other people, but there's honestly too of that for me to want to post on an internet forum. This is why I tend to believe trauma survivors, even though i still having trouble trusting the things that anyone says to me. I definitely have BPD but nobody treats that around where i live in the united states.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I think there's online resources and workbooks that you can get to do self-guided DBT. Is that something you'd consider trying? It can be immensely helpful for learning how to manage the powerful emotional turmoil that goes along with BPD.
 

NotWeakNotStupid

Policy Enforcement
I think there's online resources and workbooks that you can get to do self-guided DBT. Is that something you'd consider trying? It can be immensely helpful for learning how to manage the powerful emotional turmoil that goes along with BPD.
I didn't really like the one I bought because it told me to go on the internet, I've struggled with that pretty immensely over the past couple years.
 

NotWeakNotStupid

Policy Enforcement
It might be helpful to read about more general bpd or something, but I don't want to hear any more stories that I can't relate to.
 
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