Just going thru the motions.

LisawithPTSD

Confident
I've really healed a lot in the last 9-10 years since I started treatment. My friends and family and therapist mention it so many times. And I realize it too.

Recently, though, I've had suicidal ideations again. I feel like I'm just... done.

I've accomplished everything I set out to do. I know how to feel gratitude and live in the moment. I have felt a connectiveness to my higher self and deep love for myself, others and the world.

In the last year and a half I lost two of my dogs that were basically my spirit guides. And I lost two men—one I had been with for 12 years who left me for another woman and a year later is engaged. And another who I knew in college and, at the time, was the man I most wanted to date, and still do.

Unfortunately, PTSD does not mix well with relationships and I couldn't maintain them. I was always getting triggered and fleeing. People can only put up with that shit for so long.

So, here I am, I have a nice home, great friends, good job working for myself, well travelled, am pretty healthy, and have a dog that loves me.... and I want to move on... to death.

I just don't want to be here any more.

My heart has left me, I guess, and there is no soul in here. And, frankly, I don't want it back. I know how to get it back and I don't want it. Not even for my dog. I keep telling myself to 'wait.' I'm just in a triggered state and it will dissipate but I don't want it to. I lack desire. I'm just going thru the motions.

I'm just... done.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
@LisawithPTSD I'm glad you reached out. I know how difficult that was. Very brave of you.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad right now. Please don't hurt yourself! Are you safe? Do you have a therapist you can call?

In the meantime we're here when you want to share more. Read around the forums, lots of information and support to be found here.

Welcome and be safe.
 

Friday

Moderator
Cha, grief. Been there, felt that. More times than I care to think about. And undoubtedly more to come. If grief is new to you? There WILL come a time where thinking about those you’ve loved doesn’t feel like ripping your spine out through your chest. Where you can love them with every cell in your body, but feel good in the wake of it, instead of pain/loss/longing/done.
and I want to move on... to death.
I’ve died. It’s not moving on. It’s becoming stuck. Completely powerless to do ANYTHING in life, anymore. Doesn’t matter how much someone may need you, or how easily/well my being there could fix things, or how much I wanted... anything; no new loves, lives, or memories to be made. No shoring up old ones, nor making things right. Powerlessness. Helplessness. Total, and absolute. Shudder. To be avoided at all costs, and go down swinging, fighting for every last possible chance to be there for anyone I have or might someday have.

Clearly, being dead didn’t stick... it was only for several minutes, or so I’m told... but the PAIN of everything that still hurt, hurting, but absolutely incapable of doing anything about it? Ever? I’ll never forget. Death isn’t like sleep, even if that’s one of my fave jokes (I love sleep. It’s like death. Without the commitment.) Because in sleep, one can feel good or feel nothing, but when I was dead? I felt everything. I knew everything. The ONLY thing that changed? Was having the power to do anything about it.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm glad you found us. And I hope you are safe. And I also hope you come back and see that you are welcome here and that we understand. Your post reminded me of how I felt after my second divorce. Everything you shared sounded so familiar.

I'm glad Friday shared what she did so that we know the things we feel we just can't get behind us, remains. Without a way to heal it.

You have support and understanding here. I hope we hear from you again.

I am grieving too right now but can say that I, like many others here, have made it thru to see another day and are grateful we gave ourselves another chance. It doesn't always get better fast enough to make it easier, but it does get 'different'. And you are not alone.
 

Elsewhere

Learning
Lisa, I relate so much to what you’re saying. It’s like, I’ve done so much to improve my circumstances, and I should feel better now, yet I’d still rather not exist. Like the will itself is already dead. I get it. I’m so sorry you’re in this boat, too.

I don’t know if this helps, but you’re not alone.
 
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