L Michelle
New Here
Hello. I joined this group a while ago and it’s been such a help as a supporter, but this is my first post, and a little long so you can get the background.
Background: I’m in a relationship with a combat vet...married a month ago, actually. He’s been in my life for 8 years. We sat side by side at work for many years which is how I came to know about his PTSD. For some reason I picked up on it and he chose to share it with me at the time. I was the only one who knew, and found myself trying do anything I could to keep him from getting triggered at work and make his day as comfortable as possible. I had a weird way of reading his moods and actions, even when he wasn’t aware.
When we first met, we were both married. Years later though, we both ended up divorced and close friends. He became very comfortable with me and trusted me with some of the details he’s been hiding for so long. I began reading every book, article and forum I could to understand him better and to understand how best to support him.
His divorce was definitely a triggering event for him and he spiraled down a path I hadn’t seen. It broke my heart to watch, but I did the best I could to take care of my self and still stick with him as I was his only support.
He eventually started therapy, and worked hard to make progress. (We ended up dating and grew even closer. He’s very self aware and open, so we are at this point, able to openly discuss just about anything when hes open to it. (We now do couples and separate therapy sessions).
We introduced our kids a year ago and all went well. This past winter we decided to buy a house, get married and move forward. But that’s when everything changed. We moved into an amazing house and the kids are happy. He tells me all the time how happy he is, how I’m his rock and how he doesn’t want to do life without me. But since we moved in, his whole attitude and demeanor has changed. He’s constantly on edge and his anger turns to rage quickly, he talks down to me and the kids, he avoids and leaves a lot to get away and get some down time, and has been nasty enough at times that I’m concerned about what his next reaction will be. To be clear, he’s never been physically abusive in any way. While I’ve seen all these behaviors before, this seems exaggerated and constant, which is why I’m so concerned. It’s the worst I’ve seen him.
I know he suffers from survivors guilt and talks a lot about moral injury. He blames himself for so much and doesn’t feel he deserves happiness. I’m wondering if this is part of the change in behavior?? His first wife blamed him for everything, told him how ridiculous his bwhavoir was and didn’t understand PTSD at all. This relationship is the total opposite, and our therapist thinks our connection is part of why he’s made so much progress. On top of that, he is seeing a big difference in our kids behaviors (he has two girls and so do I) and how he’s impacted his own kids and he’s really struggling with that too. He feels like he’s breaking them and has guilt about that too.
Anyone else experience this? Any suggestions on things I can do to help? Should I just give him space to adjust to the change? I’m obviously trying to be patient and understanding, but there are no good days right now and it’s heartbreaking because it should be a happy time in our lives and he does deserve it. He recognizes how he’s acting which makes him feel even worse, and it’s just a terrible cycle. He can’t pinpoint what it is, but It’s exhausting for both of us and really taking a toll on my mental stability at this point. It’s a big change for all of us, and trying to keep the kids from being impacted.
Background: I’m in a relationship with a combat vet...married a month ago, actually. He’s been in my life for 8 years. We sat side by side at work for many years which is how I came to know about his PTSD. For some reason I picked up on it and he chose to share it with me at the time. I was the only one who knew, and found myself trying do anything I could to keep him from getting triggered at work and make his day as comfortable as possible. I had a weird way of reading his moods and actions, even when he wasn’t aware.
When we first met, we were both married. Years later though, we both ended up divorced and close friends. He became very comfortable with me and trusted me with some of the details he’s been hiding for so long. I began reading every book, article and forum I could to understand him better and to understand how best to support him.
His divorce was definitely a triggering event for him and he spiraled down a path I hadn’t seen. It broke my heart to watch, but I did the best I could to take care of my self and still stick with him as I was his only support.
He eventually started therapy, and worked hard to make progress. (We ended up dating and grew even closer. He’s very self aware and open, so we are at this point, able to openly discuss just about anything when hes open to it. (We now do couples and separate therapy sessions).
We introduced our kids a year ago and all went well. This past winter we decided to buy a house, get married and move forward. But that’s when everything changed. We moved into an amazing house and the kids are happy. He tells me all the time how happy he is, how I’m his rock and how he doesn’t want to do life without me. But since we moved in, his whole attitude and demeanor has changed. He’s constantly on edge and his anger turns to rage quickly, he talks down to me and the kids, he avoids and leaves a lot to get away and get some down time, and has been nasty enough at times that I’m concerned about what his next reaction will be. To be clear, he’s never been physically abusive in any way. While I’ve seen all these behaviors before, this seems exaggerated and constant, which is why I’m so concerned. It’s the worst I’ve seen him.
I know he suffers from survivors guilt and talks a lot about moral injury. He blames himself for so much and doesn’t feel he deserves happiness. I’m wondering if this is part of the change in behavior?? His first wife blamed him for everything, told him how ridiculous his bwhavoir was and didn’t understand PTSD at all. This relationship is the total opposite, and our therapist thinks our connection is part of why he’s made so much progress. On top of that, he is seeing a big difference in our kids behaviors (he has two girls and so do I) and how he’s impacted his own kids and he’s really struggling with that too. He feels like he’s breaking them and has guilt about that too.
Anyone else experience this? Any suggestions on things I can do to help? Should I just give him space to adjust to the change? I’m obviously trying to be patient and understanding, but there are no good days right now and it’s heartbreaking because it should be a happy time in our lives and he does deserve it. He recognizes how he’s acting which makes him feel even worse, and it’s just a terrible cycle. He can’t pinpoint what it is, but It’s exhausting for both of us and really taking a toll on my mental stability at this point. It’s a big change for all of us, and trying to keep the kids from being impacted.