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Just Need to Rant and Rave a Bit - Damn Finances

Discussion in 'General' started by Marlene, Oct 24, 2006.

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  1. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    A little background...Last month we found out we had termites. House tented (cleaned out savings) and we spent three nights in a hotel. Four humans, a dog, a cat and a fish...yeah, I've had better days than those! LOL

    Anyway, on Sunday my husband and I were discussing how much damage has been done to the house, who we're going to get to figure that out and the cost. He says that they may have to rip off the roof to fix the damage and all I could see was dollar signs flashing in front of my eyes. I'm concerned about the money. Hell, before the PTSD I would have been worried about where I'm going to come up with that kind of money.

    When I get worried I get quiet. Then he gets pissed at me and says 'I shouldn't have said anything about it.' Well that just pushed all of my buttons and flipped every switch. I told him that him keeping important family information from me is not an option. He then gets that cocky male attitude (sorry guys) and says, 'I'll make a judgment call if I feel it's necessary'.

    EXCUSE ME????????????????????? :angry-fla I'm a 38 years old responsible adult. I've been married for 20 years and have helped to raise two children. I'm not a damned child that is told 'you don't need to know this now', I'm not a china doll to be put on a high shelf because I might break. Yes, I have PTSD, but that doesn't mean that I've suddenly become incapable of being an active participant in my life and my family.

    When I told him this I also told him that I'm getting stronger everyday and the only way to keep getting stronger is to keep dealing with life and not have it kept from me. His response of 'But you've been so much. And you are delicate. The woman I married didn't cry in the morning before work or cry at night after work. So you've changed and I'll continue to make my judgement calls.' I told him that was unacceptable and this is now part of me and if he didn't want to deal with it anymore, the yellow pages were under the counter and there's plenty of divorce lawyers in it.

    Of couse this was screamed at each other over the dinner table (with a few more adjectives thrown in) while the kids just stared at us. In all of the years we've been married, ever our worst fights we hardly ever raised our voices to each other. I hate that my temper (never very even to begin with) just jumps up to fight first, ask questions later. My frustrations feed it, too.

    Once we calmed down, we were able to talk more rationally (and apologize to the girls). I've tried to see it from his point of view. And if I was as bad as I was three or four months ago...yes, I could understand. But if the situation was reversed and I tried to keep a major decision away from him...OMG-Katie bar the door!!

    I know posting this is solving nothing but at least maybe I can get this loop that keeps playing out of my head. I know he means well and we both could have handled it better. I guess we're both on our learning curve.

    *stepping off of soap box* Thanks for a place to rant.
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  3. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

    Hey Marlene, I totally understand what you mean about getting things out of your head and on to paper - it works for me too. So rant on sister! Rant on!

    Your hurt feelings came through loud and clear and rang a bell with me as well. My husband also treats me differently. I don't like it, sometimes I even tell him, "you're not my Dad" and he understands he went a little too far. But in his defense, when I am unable to cook dinner or complete the laundry, he will do it after he has worked all day. He has taken on a lot of new tasks in addition to his own life. And if I completely take my ego out of the picture I can honestly say I have given my husband plenty of reasons why he should take on this parental type role with me from time to time. Because of the impact PTSD has on me, my reactions to things are different than other people. I don't always make the best decisions. Problem solving is difficult for me.

    My husband is only acting as a mirror of what I am projecting out to him (confusion, self-doubt, etc.) Put that on top of a stressful day at work, worry about money, etc. and it's no wonder that your communications temporarily went down.

    Yes, the kids saw the fight. They also saw you apologize and continue speaking to eachother. These are valuable lessons they need in order to have successful long-term relationships of their own. If they never saw you fight, grew up and had a relationship where there were loud disagreements, your kids may end up feeling like failures. ("my mom and dad never fought, what am I doing wrong?" etc.)
    Chalk it up as a huge learning experience for everyone. Touch base with the kids and see how they are feeling about it. Talk with hubby some more. Keep those communication channels open!
  4. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Thanks for the reply, Boo.

    I read and reread your post and to be honest, I didn't even realize that my feelings had been hurt. I couldn't see past the pissed off enough to notice that, I guess. I just feels like there's been so many areas of my life (especially my emotions) that control has been taken away that the areas I haven't lost control, I'm holding onto very tightly. I hope that makes sense.

    I also feel that I've become hyper-sensitive to everyone around me. Feeling like I'm being judged or talked about/laughed at. It feels like being back in Junior High School again. LOL I get these raging feelings of paranoia lately. Makes the idea of crawling under the covers and not coming out seem pretty inviting. That teamed up with the increased temper *I finally figured out when I want to use everyone's head for batting practice that it's me and not them that has the problem* has made the past couple of weeks pretty intense for me.

    Both of our timing on this was pretty piss-poor. LOL Working on letting it all go and when it comes time for family decisions, he's just gonna have to deal with me. Like it or lump it. :smile:
  5. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

    You've just described so many of the classis PTSD symptoms: hyper-sensitivity to comments, feeling loss of control, feelings of paranoia, problems controlling temper, wanting to just stay under the covers.

    Now that you have identified them and realize you aren't losing your mind, the next step should be close at hand. What does the next step look like to you?
  6. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    When I read your post my first response was a smart-assed comment like 'If I'd known there was going to be a quiz, I would have studied!' Trying to laugh about this and be a smart ass is something I do to try and deal with all this SHIT that has come uninvited into my life.

    But to answer your question-I have no freaking clue. I have reached a point where I feel like I'm pretty stable and I'm so shit scared to rock the boat in any way because if I do, I might end up back where I was about ready to crawl into my closet and pull the door tightly behind me and not come out.

    I have to slap on my 'non-crazy' face every morning to come to work. OMG...can't have any real life problems and work where I do. They'll just can your ass if you're not ship-shape and 100%. Then I go home and I try to keep it together for my family's sake. I feel so guilty that all of this is affecting them. My husband's afraid of upsetting me for fear I'll break down again. I don't want to put this burden on him. This is so new to both of us we still haven't figured out how to deal with all of it and it's causing lots of frustrations. My mother tells me on the phone last night, 'Don't let this overwhelm your life'. I just wanted to scream into the phone 'WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING NOT TO DO!!'

    I joined the army when I was 17. They asked so much physically and mentally of us I didn't think I could do it. But I did it. That same determination to accomplish what I want in my life has served me well in every situation I've up against except one. This one. I can't push past this it, I can't crawl over it, I can't go around or under it. I just don't know what to do. So I just stand there and stare at this wall in front of me and wring my hands. All of the skills I've learned for dealing with problems in life haven't seemed to help me at all with this other than to help me stay at a status quo. I HATE THIS. I hate what it's done to my life, to my family, to my mind, to my body.

    Wow...I didn't know this was all inside me. Sorry I couldn't give you the answer you wanted.
  7. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

    Don't apologize Marlene, that is an awesome reply! I can see how you would feel "stuck" and not know where to go next. Status quo is good, but for only awhile. I think you are on the right track, you are already unhappy with the status quo, angry at people to try to minimize your hell, disapointed that you can't "get over it" (I'll shoot someone who tells me that :moon: )

    Stay on course. You will have the success to prove what you are made of. Curiosity is your key to opening some of the right doors.
    How to do that? Pick your battles (work, staying strong for the family, dealing with those who don't understand). Be sure and look at things truthfully, always ask yourself "if there were no other considerations, what would be best for me?" Journalling can help keep you focused and give you a place to look back on and see actual progress you are making.

    Don't sweat the small stuff / Everything is small stuff
  8. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    I need this tattooed on my forehead!!!!!!!!

    I know I'll get there one day. But patience has never been one of my strong suits. Maybe this is the universe's way of trying to teach me patience ONCE AGAIN!!!! LOL

    Thanks for listening to my rants and for the good advice. :hello:
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