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Just Need to Talk - Mental, Physical and Sexual Abuse

Discussion in 'General' started by Missingmymind, Apr 3, 2006.

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  1. Missingmymind

    Missingmymind New Member

    Hello , I am a 32 year old female and I suffer from PTSD I have always tried to deal with this on my own especially considering this makes me a rather odd person or some one who is not related too well.

    Lately I have had a hard time my PTSD comes from 17 years of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I am aging quicker then my friends my age, my hair is now falling out and I have visions of my children dying in the most horrible ways. I cant stop them they just come out of no where. I never feel safe and I never feel like anyone cares how I feel. there is always so much running through my mind at all times I dont sleep well and I am just always waiting for the next bad thing. For me it is better to know it is coming then to be shocked when it does. I am extremely sensitive of how others are feeling and what they are thinking I can detect even the smallest of changes in some ones mood, their voice and even body language. This makes me a good mother in this sense but of course my inability to trust the world makes it hard for me to let go and I have a teenage daughter and now that she is more socially active the thoughts and visions of her being hurt are 10 times worse. I feel like I live their losses everyday to a small degree. And my nightmares are sick and twisted to the point they ruin my day.

    I do not feel normal, and I am scared 90% of the time. I have tried to twist and turn my environment to where I could feel better but we all know you can only control yourself so that didnt happen. Im lonely I used to be able to overcome all of this and was social ( although with my select few friends that made a tight nit group) but now I prefer to be alone even away from my husband and children. And most days I wish I wouldnt just wake up. I wont kill myself Im not a quitter but I constantly feel it is bad enough my childhood and teenage years were tainted with all the sickness, why does my adult years have to follow. I just want my life - I cant even say I want it back I never had it in the first place I am so tired of being scared and alone. My anger used to fuel me and get me through the day but now Im just too tired to be angry and too tired to think to myself I can fix this.

    I have been to therapy a few times but it doesnt help I have to come back home and work, cook , clean , be mom and wife with all the pain right there it makes my day harder. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and forget I exist.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Hi, and welcome to the forum. Congratulations though, as you really did just take a giant leap in the right direction of getting yourself better and dealing with some of these traumas head on. Fear is an obstacle for all of us who suffer PTSD; fear of asking for help; fear of letting some off our deepest traumas known; fear of not being in denial and actually having this illness that we must fight to live a semi-normal life again, and the list keeps going.

    More good news though, your actually not alone, as many of us exist and suffer daily just as you are. PTSD can be managed, you just have to want to manage it. I understand the being alone, as most likely everyone here with PTSD does. I'm not sure whether its because we don't want others to see us suffer; we just can't handle conversation or we just can't handle ourselves with a combination of others around us. Probably a bit of all and even more.

    It does concern me a little that you have been trying to do this on your own for so long. Are you on medication to help with some of the problems? It sounds to me that you have gotten to the point where you can no longer deal with this by yourself, which is a really positive step forward in hopefully getting you a bit better.

    The good thing is, is that you have others hear who have very similar circumstances to yours, and you will be able to relate with them very well... an automatic understanding of circumstance I suppose is a way to put it, similar to how all of us with PTSD relate on a general symptoms basis.

    Back to the medication though... I'm not a big believer in the constant use of it, but I do believe many of us need it when really going through some of the hard times associated with PTSD. Learning about the illness and learning the strategies required to become a better person than most of us generally are when inflicted with this, is a very tough stage, especially considering we must fight the traumas one at a time head on, as they will never leave us, instead we have to learn and teach ourselves to deal with them, or they will win and life will cease or simply be very unpleasant. By the sounds of it, yours has been quite unpleasant enough already, and you need to get better.

    Just being here, we can all help you feel a little better about yourself, and show you tools and strategies from our own uses to fight past trauma and PTSD symptoms. It can be done, and many here have done it to a point where they have regained a semi-normal life again, socialise and include themselves within society, instead of secluding themselves in their home.

    The world is not a bad place, its just some bad people that can give it that impression! I should trademark that one... I surprise myself at times!

    Honestly, I can tell you that everything your expressing above in feelings and life style, many of us here have experienced (and still do), and beat it to a certain point for a better life outcome, which means you can also... it just takes time to achieve. Only we can fix oursleves, nobody else can do it for us.
  4. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    (((((missing my mind))))) Hope you are ok with virtual hugs. Can't stand hugs myself, but the thought of what a real positive hug must feel like still works for me sometimes. You and I are very similar in our experiences, although I have always been single and I have pets instead of children - easier to housetrain.

    I too have been to therapy. It made things easier to deal with, but after 18 months out of therapy I lost control of it all again. I think for me it is more a case of wanting to be able to manage the flashback and nightmares so that I can have a reasonably normal life.

    All the professionals seem determined to cure people, raising hopes that we can be cured of our past. I'm not sure that I believe that we can be cured, but I do believe that we can be helped to understand why we feel like we do and so learn to accept our experiences as part of who we are instead of just being our experience. I think this would help us all feel much better about ourselves than feeling bad because we can't meet the expectations of our shrink or therapist or whoever.

    I'm with you with this one. Sucks doesn't it?

    I'll second Anthony and say good start to post here. Not been here long myself, but it's a huge help to have somewhere to say things without a friend or relative running to call for the men in white coats.

    Did you notice there are special bits for partners on this forum too? Maybe your other half might benefit from chatting here too?

    Take care. remember that there are others in this hole with you, so you are not alone after all.
  5. Witchdoctor

    Witchdoctor New Member


    I recently completed the 7 week course in PTSD and met another woman that had been raped and going through the same "changes" as you. Except she wasn't able to keep a marriage together no matter how hard she tried. Emotional memories are a real bear to live with.
    I can not say that I understand what it is like be to be raped, but I know that the experience would be just as hard to talk about, much less explain and expect someone to understand as me talking about the pieces of friends that I put in body bags or holding a friend and listening to his death rattle (I was an Infantry Medic) and how they still haunt my dreams and affect my days.
    The best I can say is "you are not alone". No matter how faunky it sounds, there ARE people that understand and even plenty that have experienced simular incidents.
    All that you can do is take it one minute at a time and hope to make it through another day (I was going to eat a barrel of buckshot). If you get really good at it, sometimes people will even miss "The tears of a clown" and begin to think that you are "normal" again. You can come close, but after over 30 years, I have not made it that far back yet.
    Just ALWAYS REMEMBER : "Don't let the bastards win!" Keep faith in yourself and keep in contact. Some days, all we need is someone that will listen and NOT tell you "It's all in your head." I KNOW that it is all in my head! My question is HOW DO YOU GET IT OUT!?!!!!
    Please keep in contact with this web site (I just found it) and keep believing "I CAN make it! maybe for just a little while at a time, but "I CAN make it!
  6. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Welcome aboard. I hope that you find some comfort here. :smile:
  7. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Welcome witch doctor, and glad you made that step to post and say hello.
  8. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

    Come on Sister! Let's fight this together, it sounds like you and I have some issues in common. I haven't a clue where to start (we could be like the blind leading the blind LOL!)
    Always here for you,
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