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just saying - "I push you away to protect you from ME"

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Yes @EveHarrington I hear it every time I see people post about their regrets. :(

Hard concept to convey, hard to understand, harder still to change.

It blows my mind how people don’t understand. They SEE how destructive I am. How do I not think I am the scum of the earth when I have been told such my entire life? I hate this life. I can’t live with the guilt of subjecting someone to this when I want nothing more than to leave it all behind and be normal. Sometimes I think people are stupid. It’s like telling someone you’re a venomous rattlesnake who can deathly hurt them but they still want to play with the rattlesnake anyway. I don’t get it.
 
It blows my mind how people don’t understand. They SEE how destructive I am. How do I not think I am the scum of the earth when I have been told such my entire life? I hate this life. I can’t live with the guilt of subjecting someone to this when I want nothing more than to leave it all behind and be normal. Sometimes I think people are stupid. It’s like telling someone you’re a venomous rattlesnake who can deathly hurt them but they still want to play with the rattlesnake anyway. I don’t get it.
I do understand this. I think I would say "if you treat me properly I won't bite." (I promise). I probably meant it, or I tried really hard to mean it. Then, after you bite they stand there looking at you in disbelief. What'd you think I was going to do? I'm a rattlesnake.
 
Actually, I don't feel like a snake. Nor that degree of emotionally disregulated as to cause so much harm. I just don't want someone else to waste their time or invest in me like that. Life for them could be easier, more fulfilling, more 'normal'. Sure there is the capacity for great times, but the lows wouldn't likely be worth it. That just can't be fair for anyone else. People expect people to be supportive but, well- people expect a lot, I actually think sometimes they expect an inordinate amount of understanding- how could someone without this brain understand? I don't think for others, but I'd like to think I do think of their well-being.
 
Actually, I don't feel like a snake. Nor that degree of emotionally disregulated as to cause so much harm. I just don't want someone else to waste their time or invest in me like that. Life for them could be easier, more fulfilling, more 'normal'. Sure there is the capacity for great times, but the lows wouldn't likely be worth it. That just can't be fair for anyone else. People expect people to be supportive but, well- people expect a lot, I actually think sometimes they expect an inordinate amount of understanding- how could someone without this brain understand? I don't think for others, but I'd like to think I do think of their well-being.

Sorry, I was in a bad place when I made that last reply..... And on the tail end of trying to save someone from me. :-/
 
I don't feel like a snake either, I always said I was a vampire. I don't like snakes. The point is I have that capacity or, more to the point, I am that. To the original posters point, I wish I could push you away for your sake but when I do that I'm saying no but I mean yes.

I could go on and on about this but as for me I'm going to enjoy the time I have left. My wife survived me. IDK how. IDK what it is I like about her but I like it a lot. I don't have to worry about victims or potential victims thank God, I'm married.
 
I’ve never found anyone who can understand this. :-(
indeed to be honest I did not even know what complex ptsd was for most of my life I am only just learning how to understand it my self.

It blows my mind how people don’t understand. They SEE how destructive I am. How do I not think I am the scum of the earth when I have been told such my entire life? I hate this life. I can’t live with the guilt of subjecting someone to this when I want nothing more than to leave it all behind and be normal. Sometimes I think people are stupid. It’s like telling someone you’re a venomous rattlesnake who can deathly hurt them but they still want to play with the rattlesnake anyway. I don’t get it.
good analogy. my own analogy is I feel like I am a dog sort of in pain squealing and people come to put there hand out to try and stroke me and suddenly all that snarling and growling

Actually, I don't feel like a snake. Nor that degree of emotionally disregulated as to cause so much harm. I just don't want someone else to waste their time or invest in me like that. Life for them could be easier, more fulfilling, more 'normal'. Sure there is the capacity for great times, but the lows wouldn't likely be worth it. That just can't be fair for anyone else. People expect people to be supportive but, well- people expect a lot, I actually think sometimes they expect an inordinate amount of understanding- how could someone without this brain understand? I don't think for others, but I'd like to think I do think of their well-being.
I have has similar thoughts exactly...a bit like thanks for being nice to me but you don't need to go inviting me out for dinner I can have laugh and a joke with you but don't get that close you cant handle this and you should not have to .

Sorry, I was in a bad place when I made that last reply..... And on the tail end of trying to save someone from me. :-/
its ok glad if this thread could help you process stuff

its been a tough week been facing up to more than ever the facts and reality of my complex trauma. just prefer to isolate as I just don't know how to do , people , being invited out to a Christmas dinner inspired feelings of terror...which some rational part of me is saying is a bit abnormal. been listening to some talks about it and how this condition just hardwires you to see humans as dangerous , been grasping at and trying to do relationships but always seems to end up with me in this emotional storm of punishing thoughts about them because some trigger or another, its like something in me is hard wired to put the breaks on if a relationship is getting a little more than superficial ..I have actually been having suicidal ideation about the condition this has left me In ....alls I can do really is just accept and reality that my capacity for relationship is very impaired and its not something that's going to change over night...if at all which is what triggers my suicidal ideation
 
It's ok @EveHarrington , :hug: .

come to put there hand out to try and stroke me and suddenly all that snarling and growling

Well, funny you should say @IamFree Idk with people but I do know with dogs- that is called Fear Biting, and as you can guess associated with intense fear. Not easy to solve- but solvable- and always very solvable with a select few people for every dog.

I am sorry about the SI. :( It does really require getting a grasp on or working on the revved up fear reaction.

But maybe managing ptsd involves not defining ourselves that way, but working on ourselves? Not just to not react the same of course, but to try to come to feel and see things differently?

I have thought about this, I can only say Idk where thinking for someone else ends and protecting them begins. Protecting them from a dinner or date, no (though protecting 'me'- sometimes yes); protecting them from suffering- yes. Maybe too though that's a cognitive distortion?, Idk. I am not 'harmful' or 'violent', per say?

Hope you feel better. The thought of Christmas dinner is probably more the stress of it. But again, we can learn to reframe it. I did learn all tasks and such (in our minds) will be classified as difficult, as somewhere we do not shake past experiences or the negative feelings/ thoughts. So we need to learn ways to do that. They said 3 ways but I can only remember one- reducing our fear response. I think all 3 were tied to that, though.
 
Have you ever looked at @Freida s thread"what are they thinking"? It might be a place to see that supporters don't see it from the same perspective as you.
I'm a PTSD survivor and supporter of a couple family members as well as my isolator on/off s/o....I have the "luxury" of seeing things from a few different perspectives.
I'm not a major isolator, mostly dissociate... but I often view my own things from the same perspective as you and try to make as few waves as possible to not be noticed. I go out of my way to numb so I can be a high functioning person who never needs anyone. I'm the doer. I can't stand receiving help of any sort. For the same reasons as you, essentially.
But when I'm the supporter, I don't understand why they don't want me to help or think I need protecting...crazy, right?! I understand how they feel, but don't understand why they don't want me involved.
I think my point is, we think people can't handle it or wouldn't want to, but sometimes we're not seeing their capabilities. We're projecting into them. I started parts work, and a lot of it makes a lot of sense to me. Overall, they don't see things through the same eyes, and I'm not sure how it all fits together yet... .....but I believe the answer is in there somewhere.
But, it sucks you have to feel like that...it just plain sucks.
 
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