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Just Venting.... Its About Time

Discussion in 'General' started by DesertDweller, Sep 15, 2006.

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  1. DesertDweller

    DesertDweller Active Member

    everything has been such a roller coaster lately. I have reached new lows, with the help of a med change and other life events. But even so I have gotten better in the sense that I now understand my problems better than ever. Before everything was comparable to a blind rage. I was angry and down but had no real understanding of what was happening to me. Now knowing a bit more of what is going on I can attempt to fix these problems. As bad as it feels I still do try to see a bright side to all that is happening to me. I am trying to see this as a challenge that when overcome, which i have no doubt that it can be, will just expose an inner strength that I was not aware of. If PTSD is the greatest challenge that I have come across in my life and I over come it then what could possibly get in my way in the future that I cant deal with.

    Currently I am having a hard time at work. I have a high stress job and go home to more stress. I cant seem to find a way out of the same old routine. I am convinced that if it doesn't change soon it will be the end of me. I think I am going to take some time off to fix myself. I had a sit down with my boss yesterday, she started off the conversation by saying " this is me speaking not as your boss but as a friend, I am scared for you". She said I am nothing like I was before. I used to be the person everyone looked up to make a gloom situation better. I can no longer do that. She said she sees a glazed expression on my face all day. I cant say it made me too happy to hear that, even though I know its true. I am really unhappy. I am not a negative person at all but its hard not be right now. I have come to realize that i can no longer do my job affectively with my mental state. I hate myself for saying that.

    Its horrible that so many of us have such a bad experience at work, I'm not saying all of us but it seems like a good number. I have to figure out a way to help people like us with work situations. I mean, Anthony has made a huge contribution to all our lives by creating this site. I really wish there was something I could do to make life better for at least one person (beside myself). I will think of something.

    Recently I have depended heavily on my therapist. She is on vacation, so I have to do without for a little over a week more. there that goes.

    I think my biggest issue at the moment is that I cant seem to get away from stressful situations. I walk away, do the breathing to calm myself, and try really hard not to explode but the situations just don't go away. I get to a point where I feel like I am being purposely tormented, which I know I am not but it feels that way nonetheless because of the frequency of all these stressful situations. What can be done when you feel stuck and no matter what you do you cant get away. I get to a "kill" point where I do whatever is necessary to stop what is going on. Unfortunately sometimes I hurt peoples feelings, I don't mean to, but it happens. By that point I am completely overwhelmed and can no longer handle what is going on. That's really frustrating for me because I want to be able to support those who need me, but they fail to see that I cant really help myself at this point. Its extremely frustrating. I am actually considering being admitted to an inpatient program, not because I am going to hurt myself or anything like that, but because I want to get away from all the relentless stress that seems to have no end. I know its hard for people to understand that we have a real problem, its not something I chose to have nor do I use it as an excuse. I hate this and would want nothing more but for this to go away and live a "normal" life and have a "normal" range of emotions!!! I takes alot to get to me, even with my current condition, I am a patient person but i cant anymore. I cant take all this.

    In all this I feel that i am going through a quarter life crisis ( thanks Bec!!) I have no direction in what I want in my future as far as career and all those other terribly important aspects of life. I get so jealous at what I see to be happy families and wonder what I have done to not deserve the same. Also, I need to find a profession that I enjoy... I have no idea!

    On top of that I have been having the craziest dreams lately. Some war related, some not... all weird as hell though!! so I don't ever really rest in my sleep.

    I am trying to be the strongest that I can be.. I am not suicidal or anything and by no means giving up, I am still in the fight

    I am just venting, for those who know me outside the forum they would be able to tell you that I never ever talk this much or let anyone know what I feel. I just felt I had alot on my mind I needed to get it of my chest and writing helps, I cant handle sitting down and actually having a conversation about it.

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  3. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    Go for it DD! I could have written the same post, as you are probably aware! Was tempted to quote your entire post, but too tired to mess with the mouse!

    You are doing great DD. One step at a time...
  4. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member


    Write on!

    Isn't it funny how we can talk and talk when we know people will understand and empathize with us, yet when we know people won't we clam up? I find myself doing that too.

    Keep writing, as it will do nothing but help you. And remember we're here for you!
  5. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    No need to hate yourself mate, your just being honest with yourself, thats all. Honesty is often the hardest thing we ever have to do, especially with ourselves. We love to live in denial, we love to believe everything else except the truth. The truth hurts, and you are now realising that, thats all. Your doing great... trust me on that.

    DD, you first, others later. You cannot help others if you cannot help yourself first. An effective rule for healing with PTSD. If you attempt to help others and you are not better yourself, that one help could stem into hundreds, or thousands wanting your help. Big call... consider the consequences. Once your better, then I believe you can help many people mate... just as we all can. This advice was the best given to me.... which I had to stop, continue healing myself to a much better state, then I built this to help others.

    DD, stress is within the eye of the person, not the situation itself. For example, some stock brokers are highly strung and stressed, others are very relaxed, though both do the exactly the same job, same workload. Why? Because one person looks at the job and thinks about the money lost if they make a mistake, other peoples money, etc etc, the one who is relaxed decided to make safer investments, or hire someone to help take the workload, and they will generally not think as deeply about the worst case scenario, instead they will only worry about it WHEN it happens, not IF it happens.

    Reducing your stress is not just about walking away, breathing and composing yourself, because if you are still looking at the situation exactly the same, then the stress level is still there for you. What you need to do is actually take an entire different approach to how you view the task or event, and adapt yourself to not look at the IF'S, but instead then WHEN'S. Stress reduction is about personal changes, not actually trying to change another or the way something occurs, because you will always continue to look at the problem the same, where you need to look at options, you need to look at the realistic scale of proportion, "is this worth more than my life?" or "what are the realistic chances of this going wrong?" etc etc. How you look at everything determines how much stress you create for yourself. Remember, stress is not created for us, only we create it for ourselves.

    DD, self admission to hospital is not about being suicidal, it is about exactly what your describing, especially with PTSD. You could be suicidal, you could be extremely stressed (which would have the same outcome as suicide if not treated effectively), you could simply have a breakdown from stress or anxiety, and the list goes on. Admission is not about being wrong, or being weak, it is a sign of personal strength and self acknowledgement that you need help, you need care, and that you need someone to help you get past the worst of your current problems.

    Well done DD, because you have done the right thing. Keeping it inside is so bad in so many ways, compared to getting it out, and using whatever means you feel most comfortable with to do so... as long as its out of you. Really, well done. As you heal, you will most likely find yourself being able to talk more about your feelings, thoughts and perceptions with those you love and trust, face to face.
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