Sufferer Just what it says on the tin - c-ptsd, mdd, gad, add, ocd, & attachment disorder.

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I'm the messy one.

My dad was a drunk, my mom was preoccupied with everything else but me. I was the weird kid, the one who failed classes and didn't like to talk to people or make friends easily or go places. The nervous kid. The messy kid. The kid with so much potential and why was I wasting it?

I've been in individual therapy for 8 years. C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, ADD, attachment disorder, BED complicated with components of OCD. I'm a veritable bowl of poisoned alphabet soup over here and I'm on what feels like a ton of medications, but they're working and well. My eating disorder is almost a non-issue at this point. Same with the MDD (although I've had a bad bought of it lately, the first in 16 years, though).

I'm married for almost 15 years now to the greatest guy ever so I'm sorry about getting him before anyone else. We have a lot of animals, but no kids, that's more work than either of us is up for. I don't work due to a long complicated reason that has to do with where we live and why and the fact there are no jobs here in what I'm trained to do (CGI lighting and environments). There are no jobs here beyond entry level, low-wage jobs and I wouldn't feel ok taking one of those jobs when there are so many here who actually need them while I'd just be filling my time. So I'm a housewife which, tbh, makes me feel pretty worthless a lot of the time, but I try to remember back when I would have killed to be in this position and be grateful for the freedom to do what I want when I want for the most part.

I fill my time with photography, sewing, embroidery, vinyl for shirts and decals, and used to write too, but I've recently stopped because I'm pretty sure I'm mediocre at best and IDK there are complicated feelings tied up in that which I am not in a position to get into right this second.

Anyway, I'm glad to have found you guys and will be hanging around a bit if that's ok.
 

Virtues

MyPTSD Pro
@the messy one

Welcome to the forum. I know what you mean about feeling worthless... I'm a homemaker/stay at home dad, because I can't work, and there are days it doesn't fill me up. There are other days I feel guilty for not being content with where I'm at. PTSD/TBI/physical injuries robbed me of a career I deeply loved and cherished and I'm trying to figure out how to move past that. I know God wants me where I'm at right now, but having that feel as meaningful as what I use to do isn't always the easiest thing to put into perspective. Some days are easier than others.

I don't have a magic wand, or any secret tricks to share with you; I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I will share one thing that helped me and I don't know if it will make a difference in your life or not: I use to harbor guilt and shame because I felt like it honored those that didn't make it (like that was the one piece of humanity I had left separating me from a sociopath). One day I realized I wasn't honoring their memory at all by living my life the way I was living it, if anything I was dishonoring them and dishonoring my family by holding on to that guilt and shame. That day I decided it was OK to forgive myself.

I'm not saying stay at home dad/homemaker all of a sudden became the most fulfilling job in the world, but it did take on a new meaning. Again I have my good days and my bad days, but now I live my life to honor my family. It does give me some meaning and purpose. It also gave me hope. I'm confident that something else is in store for me. I don't know what or when (God will reveal that to me when he knows I'm ready for it), but in the meantime I know I'm on course even though I can't see my destination.

Anyway, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum, and tell you not to get discouraged. If it's not something we all go through, it's definitely something a lot of us go through and you're not alone. You're in a good place among good people, welcome.
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
Hello, and welcome!

You didn’t waste anything. It sounds like you had a lot going on at once. Also wanted to add that I like your writing style :)

I’m glad you’re here. You deserve a good life where you don’t feel worthless, or like you should feel blessed if you feel something is missing. Or, alternatively, you can feel blessed for what you have.

I’m wondering, what kind of animals do you have? :)
 
Hello, and welcome!

You didn’t waste anything. It sounds like you had a lot going on at once. Also...

Thank you for saying that. All of it. we have birds, dogs, cats and reptiles. It's a zoo. 98% of them are "hard case" rescues, that is, the unadoptable, or just about so, ones. We get each other, me and those kinds of animals. At least most of the time. I admit one of the parrots is a mystery to me at times and I'm pretty sure he's just being an ass to be an ass. I never foster. Once an animal lands here, they're here for good, which means I pass up way way more than I'd like.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome, sorry for the reasons you are here, but very happy you found us... and an animal lover !! I have a rescue dog that is going thru a false pregnancy right now... nothing dull about my life...

Glad you are here, lots of interesting people who will be supportive and encouraging, we all 'get it' on some level.. hanging out with us can get addictive... so look around, get a feel for this place and jump in any time...
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for saying that. All of it. we have birds, dogs, cats and reptiles. It's a zoo. 98%...
Wow, nice!

I used to live in a zoo; different reasons, mostly, but it was important to me anyway. Rodents, reptiles, amphibians, etc. Currently I have a rescued cockatiel, a corn snake, two cats (one outside, one who fears outside), and a service dog (so technically I can’t call her pet). I think that’s really awesome who you take in and help! That sounds incredibly rewarding, and strong of you :) even if the parot is as ass, lol
 
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