Just writing - Feeling Storms & Intrusive Thoughts

Bamboo

New Here
Only posted once here so far.
Not sure what I'm doing exactly. Therapy has slowly been getting close and closer to "the thing" I don't want to talk about. That I blocked for years. That I haven't remembered alot of details about.
Todays EDMR therapy touched it full on.
I was told to expect alot lot of "feeling storms" in the next few days.
To expect "instrusive thoughts"

Not sure what I'm writing.
Not sure what I'm trying to even get from writing this.
Not sure what emotions I'm feeling.
I just know it's only been a few hours since therapy and already there's A LOT of them and that I don't know what to do with them. I just know that at the moment I'm utterly useless for anything. I don't share my situation with anyone in my life so I'm just writing. Just writing. Just writing. To get SOMETHING out and empty myself in some way of these horrid feelings.
Just writing down words to people I don't know but who I know understand what this thing is in my head and what these feelings are that I can't put words to.
I'm sorry. This makes no sense, I know
This shit is HARD
 
We need each other. People need other people when the road is hard. And you've come to a place where other people get how hard it is. Healing is a lot of work, and it sounds like you've come really far to be able to work on TheThing, whatever it may be. So we can all celebrate how far you've come, commiserate about how hard it all is, and reassure you that you will pull through. What can you do to be gentle with yourself and give yourself structure, these next few days?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry. This makes no sense, I know
This shit is HARD

apology NOT accepted bamboo. i need the right to ramble aimlessly during times like this. this particular post makes more sense than it ought. methinks "this shit is hard" pretty much covers it all for my psycho nickel.

for what it's worth
i call these episodes, "psychic whelmings." poke one little hole in the dam of repression and? ? ? whoosh. . . find something to hang on to and hang on for dear life. i do as little as possible with the whelmings. i shoot to just sit with them and process. it's allot to process.
be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
I just know it's only been a few hours since therapy and already there's A LOT of them and that I don't know what to do with them. I just know that at the moment I'm utterly useless for anything. I don't share my situation with anyone in my life so I'm just writing. Just writing. Just writing. To get SOMETHING out and empty myself in some way of these horrid feelings.
What kind of therapy?

It doesn't matter what kind but this is something to learn and live. Without it I would still be stuggling.

 

Bamboo

New Here
We need each other. People need other people when the road is hard. And you've come to a place where other people get how hard it is. Healing is a lot of work, and it sounds like you've come really far to be able to work on TheThing, whatever it may be. So we can all celebrate how far you've come, commiserate about how hard it all is, and reassure you that you will pull through. What can you do to be gentle with yourself and give yourself structure, these next few days?
Thank you. I was told to be easy on myself. To have no self judgement. To put the blame where it truly lies. To be self compassionate. To be "nice to myself" and let the feelings be felt.

Unfortunately, I'm not good at any of those things.

What kind of therapy?

It doesn't matter what kind but this is something to learn and live. Without it I would still be stuggling.

I'm doing EMDR Therapy. Have been doing it for a little while now. I've just been super avoidant when it comes to delving into the subject of "The Thing".

I've realized from reading the Complex C-PSTD book that I'm a walking-talking Flight Response person. Busy busy busy. Always stay busy. Perfection Perfection Perfection. Avoid avoid avoid. Shove it down. Shove it all down deep so you don't feel it. Even though for years I really didn't understand that I was trying to avoid "feeling", nor even what the feelings were that I was trying to avoid. I'm a highly emotional person, though when it comes to myself I really struggle with naming what emotion it is that I'm feeling.

I know that EMDR will help. I absolutely hate how it makes me feel the next day. But it has already proven to be helpful to me in the beginning parts of this. And I know that I've gotten to a place where I really can't avoid certain things anymore. I've spend so many years avoiding. And now I'm going into this place in my head that I had literally closed off from my life. Closed off from my conscious mind. And now this EMDR is making me touch those things. And FEEL those things. And now these feelings, or whatever they are, are welling up and swirling around everywhere instead of closed up in a box that is locked, dipped in concrete and buried behind a brick wall.
They are unwanted.
And I guess I just don't know how to self identify what they are. I definitely don't know what to do with them. And I don't like feeling them because if I'm honest, it throws a wrench in my months long practice of convincing myself that what happened didn't really happen and that I'm making it all up for some insane reason. Keeping it out of sight, out of mind, out of life, makes it easier to convince myself that this was a story I made up as a kid. A toxic, unhealthy, attention seeking dramatic story. Denial became harder when the strong/heavy feelings arrived with EMDR.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
I know that EMDR will help. I absolutely hate how it makes me feel the next day. But it has already proven to be helpful to me in the beginning parts of this.
Same. Working on some heavy stuff right now too. The biggest difference in my life between initial stages of EMDR and now has been right out of the PTSD cup article.

The higher your anxiety the worse you are at managing it. Then what was the "window of tolerance" turns into as I call it the "mail slot of tolerance". Every thing you cn do to keep that anxiety down helps so so much. It lets you do more and function better. You build health habits for managing anxiety that just fit right into your daily life and before you know it, you are where I am. Just had therapy yesterday. Am I feeling it - hell yeah. Am I dealing with it - yup. everything I know how to do I'm doing to bail the anxiety out of the cup.
And it helps so much. When I started therapy I couldn't deal with it very well either - today - I feel it, and the only part that is bugging me is the tinnitus....but I know from that - I need to work on keeping the stress cup from overflowing because if I don't - this will get bad......
 

Hallowean

Not Active
Same. Working on some heavy stuff right now too. The biggest difference in my life between initial stages of EMDR and now has been right out of the PTSD cup article.

The higher your anxiety the worse you are at managing it. Then what was the "window of tolerance" turns into as I call it the "mail slot of tolerance". Every thing you cn do to keep that anxiety down helps so so much. It lets you do more and function better. You build health habits for managing anxiety that just fit right into your daily life and before you know it, you are where I am. Just had therapy yesterday. Am I feeling it - hell yeah. Am I dealing with it - yup. everything I know how to do I'm doing to bail the anxiety out of the cup.
And it helps so much. When I started therapy I couldn't deal with it very well either - today - I feel it, and the only part that is bugging me is the tinnitus....but I know from that - I need to work on keeping the stress cup from overflowing because if I don't - this will get bad......
Ugh I have tinnitus as well in both ears since Aug 2020 from double ear infection. Also still have fluid in my ears that causes vertigo and in turn spikes my anxiety. Had a panic attack at doc earlier this year and was amazingly prescribed Xanax. I hope all goes well with your program, I've never heard of it but am going to look into it when I get time.
 
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