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Keeping it in and working on myself progress.

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HannaD

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I won't go into details about the event that led to ptsd down my road. I'm sorry, if that's... okay? I'd rather not.

When learning techniques in cognitive behavioral therapy my intrusive memories and overwhelming emotions were stored in a water tower. I could walk in and gaze at the sludge below that consisted of my pain. From there I could let it go for a short while, long enough to function again. I could store it for later processing.

In emdr therapy they went from intrusive memories to being held in purple bubbles in a cathedral like museum in my mind's eye. From the halls they were vague but, if I wanted I could go to them and experience them on my terms. And put them back in place and leave.

It's not that I'm afraid to relive it. It's that I can't use the past to help me anymore. I'm in a different place then I was from back then. The commitment to fighting ptsd isn't just about me. I live in society and it's what I owe my loved ones.

I still get the occasional memory and it can make me want to think things like,
"Why can't I just be like other people? Why do I have to feel so broken?"
My affirmation was, "You're safe now. Bless society and my husband. Even if you weren't safe you're an adult now. You have a fighting chance that you didn't have back then."
It still hurts but, a little less. I feel a bit stronger and less afraid. The coping techniques we learn take time to practice. In the beginning it never worked for me either.

It's true some things still trigger intrusive memories and a hollowed out, painful emptiness takes hold. But, that's what living with ptsd is like. It's always going to be a part of me and I can only control my reactions to the symptoms. Thanks for reading and I wish you well.
 
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