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Lacking Support

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Samantha_38

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Bare with me here, as I was having a hard time deciding what topic area to place this under. It seems I have about 5+ new-ish issues all going on at the same time causing me to go from a place where I was feeling better than I had in a couple years, to really bad again...and almost all of them have a separate topic area.

This started when I had to travel for school, maybe a little before. My T had started being really unavailable. Rarely would I be able to get in on a weekly basis. Several times I stated I was having a hard time with that, but unlike what he used to do, he was no longer working with me to get scheduled. Then I left for school. I was out of state, so unable to see him at all. But he had said before leaving to keep him updated. Well I did, and things got bad. He was of no support during that time though, just to say I'll see you when you get back. Well, we set up a time to meet when I was going to be back on the weekend, and then the day before he said he couldn't meet. I was crushed, and really holding out for that appointment. Like just getting by until I could get there. 2 months I was gone.

Then I got back a month ago, he's seen me once. I was frustrated with all that went on, and it just wasn't a good session. I don't talk much anyways, but it was pretty bad. We schedule another session for this past week, but then I got a call the morning of saying he was sick. Pretty not good again. I had also told him between sessions I wasn't doing well.

Then that evening I got in an accident. It wasn't by any means my fault. This lady was chasing me down, honking her horn for blocks. When I finally pulled off wondering what her deal was she hit us (me and my 2yo son), then drove off. I found out later her license was suspended. Huge triggers dealing with the cops on that one. It wasn't a terrible accident, but I think the part where she was practically chasing us is what triggered me the most. That and my son being in the car. I'm terrible, and now my T can't meet again until next week.

This is getting to be too much. I've been communicating that I'm not good. That I can't hardly drive. I can't focus on anything. I've gone from terrible to worse. I tell him, but he doesn't do anything anymore. He used to fit me in somewhere. I'm cutting like crazy, something that has always been an outlet. I'm doing my hardest not to take a bunch of pills and drink. I would never follow through on suicide and leave my kids all alone, I've vowed to myself and them that I won't be like my parents are leave them; but that's seriously the only thing keeping me alive right now.

I don't know what to do, and all my T says is take care and see you next Wednesday. I honestly have stopped even believing that that's the case. After a full year I just was starting to be able to open up without feeling like I was going to puke. Now I'm back to where we started, and it just keeps getting worse. To top it all off, it's not like I can just go find another person...I'd be just as closed off with them right now. It took me months to work up the courage to contact this T. And if this is how this goes, I don't want another one.

Someone please give me some advice. I'm hanging by a thread.
 
I'm sorry. You are loved. As a person you matter and you deserve love, if from no one else then you have love from me. Everyone is worth caring about so know that you are cared for and this will get better.

Opening up is hard as is leaving a crappy relationship. You are in a crappy relationship and it may seem hard to leave but you need to take care of you. If this therapist isn't helping, then (in my opinion) he's hurting you. You should find another.

Until you can do that, know that it's him, not you. You are okay and are doing what you need to by reaching out for help at all. Good Job!

If you are really hanging by a thread and hurting yourself then you need some emergency help. Do you know what your emergency options are?
 
I know some, but I cut all the time. It's not new, it's just worse than typical. Not worse than it's ever been though. It was a lot worse years ago, growing up.

They aren't really options for me. I'm a graduate student, actually doctoral student. I have a special needs kiddo. I miss class just for him. I can't miss more. And I can't be gone, or there's no one to take care of him and my other son except for their dad who has to be at work otherwise he's going to be fired. And even if not fired, we'd lose that money and we'd be homeless. We seriously barely scrape by between my son's needs and my schooling. We also just found out that we made 40 dollars over the income limit for the food support we were getting. I'm seriously worried about how we're even going to feed our kids when the food runs out. And now my special needs boy doesn't qualify for straight medicaid, he qualifies for a different program, but it has copays. Copays that 40 dollars a month over the limit are not going to come close to covering with his issues and medications.

I can't afford to be "out for the count". Too many things count on me being able to function. So I get by every day running around like crazy, keeping myself overly busy, but then every night I'm crying my eyes out and can't move. Next wednesday seems like forever away; I've been barely holding on for 3 months and it just keeps getting worse. I'm exhausted.
 
Ok. You need to take some of the weight off of you. Can your husband do more for a while when he's not at work? Can you take a little time off from school?

I will tell you what my therapist told me. If all of this truly breaks you then you won't be any help to anyone any way. You need to find a way to take care of you right now too.

Work on changing things at home so that you can feel some relief.
 
To take time off from school in my program would be an automatic year off. You can't just stop and pick back up. Which, probably doesn't sound like as huge of an issue as it is. Within 2-3 months of that year my student loans would start needing to be paid. Being in doctoral school you can imagine the payment amount. Now even if I could somehow find some sort of decent job, it'd have to be part time because of my son's issues. We'd never make it.

All of that isn't the biggest problem though. The biggest problem is that the way things stand now in December I will be done with my in-course work and we will be moving back to our previous state. This is a big deal because the entire time we've lived in this state we've had to fight and fight and fight for my son to get appropriate medical care. Our previous state was never like this. We can't get by with his medical needs for another year and then 6 more months until we can move back. We just can't.

I know you're right. I know I have too much. But it worked. It has been working. It was working before I ever knew this T. It's not perfect, but it works until we get to a calmer point in life. Now...because of this, it's not working though. Now I feel like I've completely lost something I barely started having. I don't really know how to describe it, but its worse now not having that support than it was never knowing it existed.
 
Your therapist is always going to be limited support, unfortunately. How do you feel about putting off therapy until you get to the other state?
 
You can actually take time off and put your loans into forbearance. It sounds like maybe it is a good thing and that you need to slow down and consider emergency intervention if you are hanging on by a thread.
 
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