Lazy Lovers


I did not realize until recently, that my husband with PTSD ( who denies such) has a lazy lover syndrome that is related to his PTSD. I know there is is no documentation of all of this, but I do believe it exists. He was diagnosed with Passive Aggressive Disorrder and that Would explain some of it. Tonight during a conversation, I just realize that he sets his goals on being as lazy as he can. He has never lifted his body up, only collapsed on mine. He suffers premature ejaculation. Its the worst sex in the world. No woman would ever return for it...though I did because I was so use to being abused and he didnt do that. He is completely distant and.......Has anyone ever experienced this? I have had great sex with others. He is also a hoarder and lacks all intimacy. Also, very controlled and no spontinatiy. Thing is, make me feel underirable at best.
Its the worst sex in the world. No woman would ever return for it

To be honest, the statement above surprises me with how disrespectful it is. And, maybe there’s nothing about this guy that’s worthy of respect…except that you choose to have him as your partner (presumably that’s not coerced?), but I’m pretty sure that you can’t actually speak for every other woman in the world. I think what probably strikes me most about the statement, though, is that you’re managing to disrespect both him and yourself in the same breath. And that doesn’t exactly lend itself to growth!

Sex is something that, very often takes communication from both people about what is and isn’t working, in order to be mind blowing. And sorting out underlying issues that prevent either or both of you from having an enjoyable experience together.

You’ve mentioned that your partner has premature ejaculation going on. That could have physical causes. It could also have psychological causes. It’s not lazy sex, it’s indicative that there’s something going on for him when he’s having sex that is making it a pretty unpleasant experience for him too.
Regarding the premature ejaculation, maybe he just wants to get it over with quickly. If I was in his shoes, I might feel the same. I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a partner who talked about me the way you talk about him. I actually don't quite understand why you are still with him.
I'm sorry that this is making you feel undesirable. My opinion: Society has unfortunately projected an image of men as being highly sexual so, when they aren't, their partners tend to think they themselves are undesirable, or have some character flaw.

I personally dont believe in the word "lazy". I don't think it's used in psychology, because of its limited usefulness. (Depressed? Anxious? Learned helplessness? Low self-esteem? Disinterested? Medical problems?)
Has anyone ever experienced this?
Not in the same way… but in the first year leaving my exhusband? MASSIVE self-reflection on why the hell I was with this asshole?!?

The short version?

He was everything I needed, but nothing I wanted.

It’s amazing how much one is willing to sacrifice to get their needs met.


If it gives you a bit of a giggle? (Taking out all the deep, dark, complex of long term relationships, crashing & burning, to new ones that flame out?) I was just starting to date someone at one point who -not joking one bit- lay back, closed his eyes, crossed his arms behind his head, and said “Okay. Hop on.”

I just tilted my head blinking for a moment. Trying to figure out if he was being playful, or serious.

Dead serious.

So I explained my position as I walked out.

“I’ve known border guards extorting sex who were more concerned about their partners pleasure. And that, boyo, is a bar set by blokes who carry Vaseline for the goat.”

I WISH I’d had a container of Vaseline to toss to him on my out.

It would have been too perfect. I’d have tripped or something down the stairs to offset THAT level of perfection.

“Hop on.” 🤣

Still cracks me up.
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@Friday wow! In my pre-recovery days I was so dissociated from my body and self during sex that I needed partners to not pay attention to me because I couldn’t handle it. So “Hop on” guy would have been my type. 🤦‍♀️ I had multiple partners fall asleep during the act presumably because I couldn’t stay present with them.

Not being present is kind of like lazy from a certain perspective.
Sideways, what you said is absolutely true. I disrespect him and myself in the same sentence. Clearly nothing is black and white, and he does deserve respect and gets it in many areas of his life. I respect him for how he has provided for his family, for his work ethic (job), for the most part his parenting,

Im referring to things as lazy lover but I really dont just mean that as a verb. Sex isn't even the issue because we dont even bother with that anymore. At one time it was about sex, but not anymore. Marriage counselor did say he had depression, but he is like many that refuses to seek outside help for anything. PE is not medical, thats been established, but a moot point in our life. Should have clarified. Guess I should have called it Lazy Husband.

He hands a lot of stuff off to me, returning his calls, gathering receipts for a problem, nursing home for his mom, etc. I try to do as much as I can to lighten his load.I gladly do it. Things he says he will do for me, like clean out a space in basement, I have to nag to get done. Often end up doing it myself and am not really physically able. It is very frustrating. People who hoard are often avoiding intimacy.

Friday, you are so right, exactly what I need but not what I want.

Bamma, you are right, lazy is a derogatory word, but to him, so is depressed. I was venting and it feels like when I make a request, he is lazy. Of course I dont say that to him, and bottling things up is not doing either of us any good. I suppose I should just stop accommodating him and shut up about it.
I’ve noticed a pattern in how you raise your feelings and then seemingly dismiss everything you have said. You have done that a few times around this issue on the threads you have started.

What is it you want? You say your sex life is horrendous and then you say it doesn’t matter. it clearly does matter given all the things you say about it. if you are dismissing the importance of it for you, you are building up more resentment for yourself, that you then seem to put on to him. And then round it goes again.

in your other thread, I posted about what I have learnt from life is that if I want something to be different, I got to do something different. If I keep doing the same thing, it remains the same.
so what are you going to do differently? Leave him? Sex therapy together? Talking about it? Other sexual acts other than penis/vagina sex (If that is what causes the PE)?
what do you want?