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Learning to Resolve Conflict Effectively

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Seeking_Nirvana

MyPTSD Pro
I did something I don't think I've ever done in my life today. I was at my uncle's house cleaning for him and he told me he was having issues with his neighbors.

They have been trying to irritate each other to the point it has gotten out of hand and threats were made.

I told him that I would speak to everyone and see if I could get it resolved so he and them can continue to live in the same place without chaos.

I approached the first set of people and talked to them very calm and let them know I wasn't for or against them, but only trying to get to the "root" of the problem so everyone can move past it. After I was done talking to them they all agreed to let it go.

I then talked to the second set of people and had the same result. Then, the leader of this group (who doesn't even live there) showed up and started to create chaos and got all of the people I spoke to, to change their minds and continue the conflict. He wasn't willing to let it go and made it clear he was going to continue with the nonsense.

Instead of fighting with him I just questioned him politely as to why he wouldn't let it go and he said, "Because I don't have to and you can't make me".

At that point I realized I couldn't reach him and to let the police handle it. The police got to the bottom of it and found that he was the root of the problem after questioning everyone. Now he is banned from the building my uncle lives in.

I realized a few days ago that remaining calm and letting people know that I just want to resolve the issue with logic, facts and reason instead of chaos or intimidation isn't the answer. So today I was tested and I passed with flying colors. I'm still in shock!

This is a major break through for me and I wanted to share it because I'm real happy I finally overcame that hurdle. I'm learning to "unlearn" certain negative behaviors and communicate better with groups of people with out having to resort to screaming and yelling to get my point across.

I'm still not sure how I did this today and I don't think I can do it this way every single time. But, it was a major break through because I accomplished my goal by remaining calm, sitting down in order to let them know I'm equal to their level, smiling, listening and restating what their concerns were, and letting them know I understand them and will speak to my uncle about what is bothering them so they can all get along.

I always thought the best way to get a bully off my back was to threaten them, but I learned the hard way that it can, and will make things worse. If a bully or troublemaker is on my back because they don't like me (for what ever reason) I need to use different strategies.

I've always heard if you stand up to a bully they will back down. FYI - NOT true in every case.

Tammy
 
Good for you Tammy!

Well, maybe that's a different way to stand up to the bully. Just using other resources. After all, sounds like he would have probably preferred that everyone else left, not himself.

Great for you anyway! :thumbs-up
 
Tammy,

What a story. Too be able to resolve a conflict like that, with so many different parties, is amazing for anybody. To remain calm in those conditions is a sign of great strength and maturity. Now would you mind going over to see what you can do about that mess between Isreal and Palestine.
 
Right! We can put you right up there with Jimmy Carter! LOL

Great job Tammy. I know how good a success like that feels. I hope you can continue on this way. It does seem to get easier each time you experience something like that.

Take good care, Morgan
 
Tammy,

What a story. Too be able to resolve a conflict like that, with so many different parties, is amazing for anybody. To remain calm in those conditions is a sign of great strength and maturity. Now would you mind going over to see what you can do about that mess between Isreal and Palestine.


I love your sense of humor patrick :smile:. I wish I could resolve conflict everywhere I go, but you know that I probably create some myself :crazy:along the way.


Thanks Junebug and Morgan for your support. It felt real good to be able to do this for once in my life. I'm on shaky ground and not sure I can do it again, but I'm very hopeful.

However, I do believe once you achieve something significant it does get easier, so with that thought in mind I will remain optimistic.

Tammy
 
Dear Tammy, I really do think you could do it again; practice makes it easier and more familiar too.

Think you dealt with the worst case scenario- a "bully" who wouldn't listen to reason. And yet you were calm, cool, collected, "sane", rational and fair.

Hard to top that!
-They were sure lucky to have you there.
Great for you! :)
 
Tammy,

Isn't it great when we amaze ourselves? In the past, I used to get myself wound so tight that I about popped when I had to deal with ignorant people in confrontational situations. And a couple of times recently I've been in similar situations and didn't wind up...it just wasn't that important. Or more correctly, my mental stability and keeping my symptoms down were much more important to me than letting someone else get me so upset.

Afterwards I've had this little conversation with myself of 'OMG! Did you see us? We were great! I can't believe we handled that situation so well and kept calm. WOW!' Outside calm, inside it was happy dance time.

Congrats on what you did. Especially after that idiot told you 'you can't make me'. Real mature, jerk wad!

Lisa
 
Dear Lisa,

I so agree!

I remember feeling my first real "progress" when I didn't get myself "all worked up" or defensive one way or another at a person raging at me.
- They said to me, "What's the matter with you, are you on Valium??!!"

It was nice!
I told a friend of mine and he laughed and laughed.
:rolleyes:
 
Sounds very good! I like it that you not only achieved this but also take the time to realize what a big accomplishment it is and to let it in.
It's good that you are aware you may not be able to do this every time still I think this will be the beginning of a wonderful development!

Freya
 
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