Learning to see my CSA through my 10yo eyes

David1959

Confident
I have now had about 20 weekly sessions with my T. Making progress but still stuck a little on a few things, ok more than a few.

My T tells me all the time that I am viewing and judging my actions at that age through my current adult eyes as opposed to me 10yo self. I blame myself for never telling anyone of the abuse and judge myself quite harshly. What she has tried to explain is that at that age I did not have the tools to protect myself or was it my responsibility, I understand emotionally but still having issue analytically.

In my session this week she said that forgiving myself is my choice and basically I just have to decide to do that.........is it really that easy? Can I just wakeup one day and say, I no longer blame myself after 50 years of doing so. If it were only that easy.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
You don't ' have' to forgive yourself, but it is up to you to decide the best you can if those are factual statements from your T.

I would add, as reminded recently with a crisis moment (that I can't actually recall at this moment? Probably blocked it out I guess?), that there is context. Even as an adult, if everyone responded their best, most informed- healthy self, there would never be panic, never be uncertainty, never be accidents or harsh words or blank minds. Or people racing out of a fire or to a hospital carrying things they'd never otherwise choose. Let alone guilt, tiredness or anything else. Or drive somewhere or say or do things/ react and not be aware or be able to remember any of it.

But most of all, since you are not a child, you can't really remember what you thought or felt as a child in totality and reality. Think of the innocence and trust; the lack of info, context and understanding that you simply had never learned yet nor could have even possibly begun to understand. Very few children will question an adult, and even if they did I dare say hard to imagine without internalizing it. Children need love, security, food and shelter, safety, peace, predictability and their boundaries respected- which of course they don't know they should have or are entitled to.

And yes, hard to think 50 years of your life might have evolved a lot differently if you had realized it wasn't any of your fault, and it impacted you profoundly and horrendously.

Hope you can be gentle with yourself. 🤗
 
I've been working on "acceptance" recently, which is a difficult issue for me, just like forgiveness.

I've been finding it easier to break it down a bit... not have it be an either/ or issue.

I can't accept "everything".

So I ask myself "What bits can I accept?" and I start with that and I assume that's a helpful start and I'll learn more acceptance as I go.

Maybe you could start by asking yourself "What bits can I forgive myself for?" and start there? That might ease the burden a bit and then see where the journey takes you from there.
 

Friday

Moderator
Can I just wakeup one day and say, I no longer blame myself after 50 years of doing so. If it were only that easy.
Yep. It can be exactly that easy. Or wide awake, between one heartbeat and the next. Or it can be a long and evolved process of things changjng shape so gradually you only notice it in retrospect. Or a Fibonacci like spiral of each time you forgive yourself anew it opens up all new dimensions of wonder.

Helluva lotta different possibilities for what forgiveness looks like, and how it transpires.

It’s not a magic wand, of course. Even if you woke up tomorrow forgiving yourself completely? That’s just one (possible) facet of trauma. Like turning on the stove or setting the table or going grocery shopping are each just part of making dinner. How big a piece? Varies. Someone might not need to go shopping, whilst someone else is only setting the table for 2, not 50 places for a 7 course meal, and someone else isn’t cooking but serving salads.

Deciding, otoh? May first look like wanting to decide. Or a step back, with wanting to want to / the willingness to be willing.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I can see some people having Aha! moment when things click and one just realizes the truth. But in my own journey, I also find accepting that (and having a hope - major key to recovery IMHO), maybe I will see it clearly someday makes me more prone that someday come. In short, s I need to use my imagination what I am hearing and learning is possible, sleep on it meaning hopefully process in dreams and digesting it, and then I see I have integrated that thing I was hoping for - and that is when I have Aha moment like wow! I can see it now clearly and this moment may be a great laughter or a great cry - regardless great relief!

hope this makes sense.
 
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