Learning to trust again after a therapist screws up

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Justmehere

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I won't get into the details here of what the provider did, and if you know what I'm referring to, please don't share details here. A therapist I trusted used me to game the system for financial and personal gain. i.e. Various layers of fraud. (It's been reported.) That's all that needs to be explained for this thread.

I want to do neurofeedback that my insurance will cover. It doesn't require much trust. I figure I don't have to trust and I'm not doing it unless insurance pays and this reduces anyone taking advantage of me. But... anyone "helping" me feels AWFUL. As if trauma didn't make it hard enough to trust. I don't want to give my name or date of birth. I'm seriously thinking, "What will they do with this?"

I am wondering if anyone has suggestions about how to learn to trust again.
 
I find that it has to begin with your thinking. An automatic thought is that if someone does you wrong, that means everyone will. Obviously, giving this thought a second glance we can see that it isn't true. Although no one is perfect, there are good people out there who are professional and actually do have the best intentions.

Instead of assuming "Everyone is bad and will eventually try to harm me in some way."

Try to explore thoughts like "Even though this person was really bad, there are other people out there who are good and believe in doing the right things in life."

You're in defensive mode right now, you've been hurt and you subconsciously are trying to avoid it happening again. However, the defensive mode only causes isolation in the long run. It will take time but with openness you can start feeling more at peace around others again. You just gotta be willing, wishing you luck.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
At the end of the day, someday, you will have to reconcile that you want help, you must relinquish some control to get help from others and you must accept that you had bad (extremely hurtful experiences) but yesterday is not the same as today. You must allow others to help you but more importantly you must learn how to figure what exactly you need from others that you are unable to provide yourself...real things not just general ideas.

I am putting it this way because just needing a therapist and asking for one does not really help or make you learn trusting others or even yourself.
What do you need help with? and I have trauma or bad experience is not good enough and you will waste a lot of money and time.

For example, you could say, I need to trust to you (to the therapist) and focus on that alone. and see if your thoughts change in therapy and outside of therapy. this is really painful because it is extremely vulnerable state but if you are unwilling, and against, then how do you think you will learn to trust?
for example, I need to learn more about my paranoia (giving personal information). and talk about that until your thoughts and feelings are changed inside of you. this relates to the above, you must trust yourself, your gut, your mind.
For example, I am so hurt and angry my last therapist took advantage of me and I want to talk about it and release it from my body and mind that until you feel your body, mind and feelings are relaxed...may take a long time, but by releasing one huge tension, many mini and big ones also go along with it. this is the beauty of therapy. The body learns how to release one thing and release all similar things you do not need.

This is my take. It seems mouthful but I think learning to trust in anyone, you have to relinquish something inside of you and must trust another therapist to globalize that feeling outside so if you ever get hurt (which will happen this is human nature), you are not losing all trust but you are experiencing bad situation and though hurt and broken, you are intact. That intact trust is internal power.
 

jaccat

MyPTSD Pro
This may be of no use to you, but just in case it is-

I don’t do trust, and in my case it’s most likely permanent, but I’ve discovered that where I can't trust people, I can usually trust a process or a system. When I started T, I didn’t expect to trust her, and told her so, but I had faith that the process would benefit me. I usually take trust out of the equation, because just the word causes me trouble.

I can trust, but it takes literally decades for someone to earn it. It took my best friend 15 years, but now she’s earned it, it’s 100%. As for everyone else, as long as they treat me fair, I’m fine with it. And if it’s anything technical, legal, work-related etc., as long as there’s a recognised, working system in place, I don’t need to trust people. That’s what the system’s for. The idea of just giving someone trust strikes me as frankly weird. Then again, I suspect I don’t really get what I’m missing.

Like I said, it might not make sense, or be of any use to you.
 
I can only give you feedback from my own experience, my last therapist betrayed my trust multiple times, the last time in response to my letter to her addressing my issues, and in the spirit of lets fix this. I ended up abruptly terminating with her, and that left me with no therapist and no psychiatrist, and left me in immediate crisis of which I came within hours of ending up in the local ER.

I did get care from another care group, but at that point I had no trust at all left, all i had left was my new therapist working out better than my last, or quitting permanently. I had nothing to loose, so I told her I had given up, that I had a foolproof plan and means, she could have emergency petitioned me right then. But I followed up saying I would be a food not to give things a final chance, and if she was up to the challenge, I was all in. It's a devils bargain, but things have worked out better than expected, i am sure some on this forum have seen my growth over time. When I started I was unsafe most of the time. Now being unsafe does happen, but is only when a crisis I can't solve exists. I go long periods now between unsafe times.

My point is sometimes laying your cards on the table as they say and making clear your needs and expectations might be better than just trying out a new therapist, and spending some time, just going through the basics.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I won't get into the details here of what the provider did, and if you know what I'm referring to, please don't share details here. A therapist I trusted used me to game the system for financial and personal gain. i.e. Various layers of fraud. (It's been reported.) That's all that needs to be explained for this thread.

I want to do neurofeedback that my insurance will cover. It doesn't require much trust. I figure I don't have to trust and I'm not doing it unless insurance pays and this reduces anyone taking advantage of me. But... anyone "helping" me feels AWFUL. As if trauma didn't make it hard enough to trust. I don't want to give my name or date of birth. I'm seriously thinking, "What will they do with this?"

I am wondering if anyone has suggestions about how to learn to trust again.

Totally get this scenario, and mine is still quite fresh, right down to the financial elements you discuss, and I am struggling with the same issues (trusting a T again) after seeing her for 2 years. I cut ties, and a part of me just screams.....why-this didn't have to happen? Still working on that.

I decided this time to interview, and get on the list of people who were considered top notch in the field and who one the phone used the word CPTSD, PTSD,Dissociation, Dissociative Dissorders, trauma phase treatment, and other related issues. If they couldn't pass the phone test, then they didn't see me in person. Two failed the personal interview (that's when I brought up books I had read, and different types of therapy because staying current is important...and then asked about their active trauma load, how do they take care of themselves (vacations, holidays, hobbies)-cause I don't need a sick T (again), whether they have supervision (I won't go to anyone who is an independent cowboy, meaning that they work solo and take on a lot of trauma and don't have supervision). One experienced T I contacted retired, another had a 6 month waiting list (maybe longer), two who were less qualified but their Psychology Today said that they were highly trained with years of experience, only to sit for 5 minutes and realize that they were not trained... and looked dumb about the topic (and one said she worked with vets but not dissociation)-so, the incompetence I found was frustrating. I kept looking.....and my standards increased.

I finally found someone I'm trying this week, who is highly trained, has excellent credentials, and has a lot of experience with trauma. Keeping fingers crossed..... this situation and therapist finding process has been fraught with a lot of feelings, and I keep telling myself that there are people with good morals, and people who don't understand what they are and are out to cut corners and to lure unsuspecting vulnerable clients into paying more. These people can't climb in someone else's shoes and feel. It was hurtful, greedy, and it makes me angry....and then it makes me sad, causes its a relationship break up. It is the things she did right that really hurt....could have been easier if she was bad to begin with....or we didn't click.

I cope with it by looking at the good she did..... completely acknowledging that and I'm thankful for having her when I was such a mess, she helped me a lot.........am grateful to be in a place of stabilization, and then I acknowledge the harm she did (not every therapist in the world-but just this one who broke my trust), this one individual who tried to screw me over financially. After 3 months, I'm ready to move on......but I think time is a healing factor, and acknowledging the things she did right....helped. Then I had an internal meeting with my parts to say goodbye....and we are looking forward to meeting a new therapist.

While this is not the only person I'll ever know, it is a really big loss....cause I really liked her AND cause I trusted her. The conflict bites, but my ways of looking at things were really black and white (all therapists were bad then all therapists must be good cause we got along famously)-nope, some are good and some are bad, and then some are really human and mess up big time. I don't have to see a sick therapist.

Compared to a couple of months ago, I'm in a better place.....so I use myself as an example: don't give up on finding a therapist, we can both learn to trust again, and not everyone is bad or untrustworthy. Therapists are like apples, there are some good ones, some medicre ones, and some rotton ones. Don't stop eating apples cause you bit into a rotton one.....toss it away and pick another off the tree that shines brightly. If I let my PTSD -a fear-based disorder rule me, I would never find another therapist....and continue with black and white thinking, believing that they're all bad, they're not safe....but I don't think this is true....and I won't let PTSD derail me on my journey....I need a therapist. Hope this resonates.
 
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Don't trust people you don't know. Trusting someone, even a T - is not given automatically.

If this type of therapy doesn't need you to trust then don't. Respect you own instincts.

I agree with @jaccat the system and processes are there to eliminate fraud. Let those systems do what they are supposed to do.

You must give your name and date of birth for insurances purposes I presume, so there's probably no way around that.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Don't trust people you don't know. Trusting someone, even a T - is not given automatically.

If this type of therapy doesn't need you to trust then don't. Respect you own instincts.

I agree with @jaccat the system and processes are there to eliminate fraud. Let those systems do what they are supposed to do.

You must give your name and date of birth for insurances purposes I presume, so there's probably no way around that.

I agree-trust is earned....always.
 
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there is no doubt, it's a struggle in itself to get a therapist who actually works out. my last one led me towards my demise figuratively and financially, my current one is just what I needed. My therapist just had just finished her trauma training, when I started with her, I would not have progressed as I have if it were not for her. I wish there were more like her, finding a therapist who works out is sometimes like rolling the dice, a process of chance. I probably would give up for good if I lost my current therapist. I do echo the statement above of @TruthSeeker about not giving up on finding a therapist. While I gave up after my last therapist, i was open to giving my new therapist a chance. And it has worked out well. If I had not been open to giving my new therapist a chance I would not survived as I have. Point is you never know when and which therapist is going to be the one for you. You have to just keep trying.

A therapist I trusted used me

My last therapist I felt the same way about in a way, there are good therapists, and there are qualified therapists, just like there are bad ones, and unqualified ones, you just need to stick to your standards, demand that your needs get met, and don't give up trying to find the right one for you. It may take some time, but anything worth it takes time and effort. We are all here for you if you need us to be there for you in those moments before you find a new therapist and those moments afterwards. Its important to know that, as this forum was the thread I was hanging by figuratively when I was in those bad moments where I had no other options to turn too. Everyone here help me through. And I THANK EVERYONE FOR THAT.
 

Friday

Moderator
I don't want to give my name or date of birth. I'm seriously thinking, "What will they do with this?"

I am wondering if anyone has suggestions about how to learn to trust again

Not necessarily a good suggestion ;) ... I don’t use my name & pay in cash... until such a time as I decide not to.

When I’m doing Better? (Snicker, that’s an autocorrect capitalization, but I’m going to leave it! :roflmao: ) I usually have a couple/few working names in place. It started organically enough; nicknames & my callsign were more “me” than my legal name, even when I had absolutely no intent of obsfucating my legal identity; then nomme de guerre & nomme de plume were standards in my field(s) for damn good reasons / extremely normalizing when everyone but everyone does it; followed right quick by the pain in the ass it is to completely transfer maiden into married, so once again -in a completely different life- the vast majority of people I knew (Volvo driving soccer moms in this case) had at least a few things in their maiden name (a bank account, their alumni stuff, continuity at work vs personal life, a trust account for the kids, etc.). It meant that for years and years I had several working -and completely legal- identities. One thing I’ve noticed? Married women tend to keep things in their maiden name to provide distance, whilst men tend to create businesses ($100 or less in most places), and keep things in the business name. But even with that trend I’ve known many many women who do the same, or men who put things in their mother’s or wife’s maiden name.

It’s just smart business, in most cases. Whether you’re keeping your academic writing under one name and your fiction work in another; or have a stage name for work and a personal name for friends/family; or a TaxID for business and SSN for personal, or whatever.

IME only criminals and the truly desperate are reduced to a single name/identity that follows them everywhere. The more successful & established someone is? The more identities they tend to work out of.

There’s freedom in choices.

Insurance is one of those things that turns nearly everyone into “the truly desperate” because there is only a single identity allowed/involved, and it’s in use by hundreds of people, determining aspects of your life utterly out of your control, with very little recourse. It drives the most relaxed of people to pulling out their hair, shouting and waving their arms around; to vexation, desperation, paranoia, & violence. Because it’s sooooo important. Yet so ethereal. As it’s in everyone else’s purview, but least of all our own.

Not. A. Big. Shock. that someone dealing with PTSD, trust issues, helplessness, etc. is going to have the same kind of reaction that someone WITHOUT trauma, trust issues, etc. has.... Nor that the reaction could get even bigger and spiral out of control, especially if it ties into trauma land.



A therapist I trusted used me to game the system for financial and personal gain. i.e. Various layers of fraud. (It's been reported.) That's all that needs to be explained for this thread.

Someone stole your identity.

Silver lining?

It will happen again. Whether it’s someone double billing, or stealing your bank information, or SSN, credit rating, etc. It’s the world we live in. The little bits of pocket trash that tell us who we are (legal name, birthday, credit rating, insurance info, etc.) are sold by batches of millions online, and misused in countless ways by unethical assholes.

Because identity theft has become common practice... it’s an easy thing to explain to people that you have to deal with, in the future. Doesn’t make you see crazy, or paranoid, or telling an unbelievable tale of woe. Any of this blows back on you with current/future providers or insurance? It’s just the ....sigh... “Yeah. Someone stole my identity, awhile back. It’s amazing how long this goes on for, right?” And the other person becomes immediately sympathetic, even if it still means paperwork hoops to jump through; they’re far more inclined to both help you with them, and to make the process as easy as possible. Because it’s probably already happened to them, will happen to them, again. And it is a monumental pain in the ass. Even for people without PTSD.

***
So my person 2.02 is that it’s less about trusting that people you give your personal info WON’T misuse it, and more about trusting yourself to handle it if/when they do. You’ve got this. & Believing that.
 
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