I'm ending therapy after five years. It's not.... a happy, success story ending. It's gotten too upsetting to go week after week and I can't take the strain anymore, the ups and downs, the disconnects, but I love my therapist. She's been unbelievably welcoming, we've gotten so close over the years, even from the start. I began therapy on an intense schedule, several hours a week and even today we chat online most weekdays and then have our weekly phone session (she lives far away). This woman is like the world to me in terms of female relationships. (I'm estranged from my mother and don't have any other real strong older female relationships like that, and I've worked from home for the last 12 years so I don't have in person friends. Just started a new job a few months ago, but it's odd hours and I'm still newish.) I've gotten to calling her GEM as a nickname, "good enough mother" from a therapy concept we talked about a long time ago. I'm in such grief it's just such a lonely feeling. I honestly thought she'd be my therapist for life, that we'd have some partnership relationship indefinitely, that was the plan. But I feel like we're never well attuned enough and it's been very stressful. The last little "straw" was yesterday when I wrote the day before I wanted to do a relaxation exercise and then I lost track of time and didn't mention it again til the end of session and it was too late, so once again going out in the world feeling raw, upset, frustrated. Been a long week you see, serious-seeming troubles at home and no good sleep this week, sick dog and the normal stressors, the new job challenges and fights at home and working too many hours, two jobs, and I'm so tired. Now I'm tired and sad because I couldn't deal with the intensity of therapy anymore, I just needed a place to help me feel better, but it helped me feel worse. I don't even know how to explain it all, I'm just sitting here crying and a full workday ahead, but so tired. It wasn't just yesterday, I've said I've had enough or gotten upset and said I wanted to end this several times over the last six or more months. We got into disagreement about how to work with my daughter, serious one, a tough rupture, so there was that, and then, it's just.... too many difficulties on a recurring basis. I just wish.... it didn't have to be such a tough choice, an all or nothing. To lose someone so important because it's going too wrong, too intense instead of calming and empowering and positive more.