legal trouble

samanthavad

New Here
I am(was) in a toxic relationship. I lost myself trying to keep him on the right track and out of trouble. He lied and manipulated me into needing him or relying on him. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough so I started being more like him and doing the things he liked, hoping he would like me more. The worst part is it took me over a year to see it and realize it. I wish I could have seen it from the beginning and stopped myself or even saw it when people were trying to point it out to me.

I am facing a felony. I deserve it, I commited the crime but I was so brainwashed and under his control that I never really thought about the consequences. I know that sounds crazy but I didn’t. I never thought about saying no, I never thought about getting caught, I never thought about the consequences and aftermath. I just did what he asked me to do because I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make his life in jail a little easier. I don’t make bad choices like that when im not under the spell of a toxic person. I literally feel like I don’t make my own choices. Like he has mind control over me. I’ve known for MONTHS hes toxic for me but I could never allow myself to actually see it and accept it. I was living in this tiny world where everything worked out in the end, he came home from jail and we had everything we ever talked about having together. I was safe and comfortable there, didn’t want or need anyone else. But that tiny world turned into a deep depression. Anyways now that I know and can clearly see I was in an unhealthy relationship, I am disgusted in who I became and the choices I “made”. I haven’t even been sentenced yet and I already learned my lesson. I broke up with him, moved away. So I guess I am writing this to see if anyone has ever gotten into trouble with and or for their toxic partner. I want to use my domestic violence background to help me.. at least get out of a felony.


I was in a physically abusive relationship for years. When i left him, he kidnapped me, held me hostage for 10 hours and then killed himself. He died on my lap. That was 6 years ago.
 
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joeylittle

Administrator
So I guess I am writing this to see if anyone has ever gotten into trouble with and or for their toxic partner. I want to use my domestic violence background to help me.. at least get out of a felony.
Have you been able to speak with your lawyer yet?
And are you working with a doctor on your PTSD? I would imagine that might help with the legal situation.

Really sorry to read what you're going through.
 

samanthavad

New Here
Yes I have talked with my lawyer and given him copies of my police report and statement from previous abuse and yes I am working with a counselor. They don't really seem to care. My lawyer said something about how he can control me and make me so something from jail. CLEARLY you've never been abused
 

samanthavad

New Here
So, your counselor doesn't care and your lawyer is also abusive? Am I reading that right?


...because I asked you for more info?
what? no my lawyer doesn't care about my past abuse and is super unprofessional and judgmental. The courts don't seem to care about my past, if my lawyer even told them)
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I am facing a felony. I deserve it, I commited the crime but I was so brainwashed and under his control that I never really thought about the consequences.
I'm not a lawyer - but you're probably being advised to plead guilty, and then bring up your background at sentencing.

So I guess I am writing this to see if anyone has ever gotten into trouble with and or for their toxic partner. I want to use my domestic violence background to help me.. at least get out of a felony.
You'll need your lawyer to be on-board with arguing that you weren't responsible for your actions, which may be difficult to prove. Hopefully, someone else with more direct experience will weigh in.
 

Friday

Moderator
The courts don't seem to care about my past, if my lawyer even told them)
It’s par for the course. More than half of female prisoners report prior abuse & sexual assault (about 10% of men do) https://www.washingtonpost.com/arch...r-abuse/9797338b-5d3b-491f-a065-e7f43752f54f/ (has a brief synopsis) ... but that’s reported abuse. Similar to how actual rape numbers are higher than reported rapes. Other studies find roughly 80-90% of prisoners had violent or neglectful childhoods or were in a violent or otherwise abusive relationship (or both), and amongst violent crime convictions? It’s not quite 100% but it’s durn close.

It’s far more common for courts to care about no history of violence, both because it’s rare, and there’s a lot lower recidivism rate.

Going to most criminal courts splashing out an abuse history -especially a voluntary* abuse history, like DV- is tantamount to saying you’ll just go out and do it again, or worse, if they release you.

Courts like to see what you’re doing to change (counseling, rehab, etc.) the patterns that brought you to the courts attention to begin with; whilst making excuses (yep, you and every other person I’ve seen this week/month/year) counts against you faaaar more often than not. Juries can be swayed by sob stories, sometimes, but judges and prosecutors have heard the same story 100 times already this week, thousands of not tens of thousands of times, in the course of their career. And no matter what someone’s story is? They’ve heard worse.

If you want your story taken into consideration? Be in domestic violence counseling, drug counseling, parenting classes, whatever it is... tick every box... and have affidavits from those groups and counselors showing real commitment to change. Or most criminal courts really aren’t going to care. Even then? It only sometimes helps. Your attorney knows the judge and the way they tend to rule. Some judges just see more empty promises, a show put on to impress them that will get dropped the moment the person walks out of the courtroom, or too little too late, and it has the opposite effect... so it’s better to keep mum that you’re already doing what the courts would order you to do, so they don’t add on more. There’s never any kind of guarantee (that’s not already in writing!) when you go to court. Generally speaking, however, excuses work against you and demonstrable commitment to change works in your favor.

* Voluntary meaning you weren’t being trafficked, or under duress (like your kids being held, or credible threats made against your family), etc... but were choosing to be in the relationship. ((The “why” people choose to be in abusive relationships? Counts AGAINST, remember. Because that just highlights how likely someone is to hook up with another abuser and commit more crimes for them.))
 
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