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Let’s talk about shame!

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Suzetig

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Shame. It’s sticky stuff. I’ve been working on my own feelings of shame for years and realised today that I’m still in it. Not even feeling shame about abuse or trauma - it’s not a feeling attached to a particular event. It’s all consuming, free floating, every area of my life shame.

Logically I know I’ve nothing to feel shameful about - I’ve worked hard on myself, on my recovery, I have a lovely marriage, children, a nice home, I’m successful in my chosen profession, I have good nurturing friendships and my family is a close as I want them to be. But oh my goodness, the shame.

On any given day I can feel shameful about how I look, my body shape, what I wear, the feelings I have, my reaction to people or places - I mean feeling absolute burning shame for no logical reason.

At the moment specifically I’m feeling shame about feeling anxious about a very triggering medical test I need. I feel shameful about needing the test, my anticipated anxiety and reaction to the test being done (it’s part of a national screening programme so something everyone does at a certain point in life - nothing “personal” in it for me to feel shame about). I feel shameful about the particular trigger it touches, which is abuse related and by definition not something that was my choice.

I’m currently working through ending with my T, I feel shameful that she’s had to retire to get rid of me (which isn’t at all what’s happening, but...), and I feel shame that I’m finding it hard going.

I’ve got some choices to make about my career - in a very good way in that I have a number of positive choices I could make. I feel shame that I’ve got choices and other people don’t, despite working my arse off to get to this point. The list goes on.

So, I’m not sure what this thread is for other than I know I’m not alone in my shame. So bring it on - what are you feeling shameful for, let’s name and shame our shame.

The only thing I’d ask is not to bring trite self help bullshit of the Brene Brown variety, please. I know some folk find it helpful but I just think if it was as easy as she makes out, no one would struggle with shame. I don’t think I can stand being shamed for feeling shame by a faux-shameful self help guru.
 
I don't know that I have any answers. I'm struggling with similar issues, only I don't think I'm as successful as yourself, in worldly terms, other than having a large family and some unique artistic skills. Nothing that much to show for myself.
I wish I knew how to tackle the shame thing. I think surrounding myself with compassionate people who respect and like me, helps, as does putting in boundaries around those that exacerbate the feelings in an unhealthy way. That's my 2 cents.
 
Ahhh now I’m finally understanding why people don’t like Brené! I haven’t read her stuff on shame, so perhaps I’ll avoid that topic of hers unless I’m feeling super strong.

My shame comes out when I start having ideas about everyone hating me. In my head everyone has a different reason for hating me, but it all leads back to shame over having PTSD symptoms and not being “normal” aka not mentally ill, or shame over doing nothing with any of my degrees and not having some sort of rockstar career, or shame over.....well, any area of my life where I feel I don’t measure up.

Thank you for starting this post as it’s helping me put together the pieces of my puzzle of shame.

:hug:
 
only I don't think I'm as successful as yourself, in worldly terms, other than having a large family and some unique artistic skills.
That’s the thing though - I honestly don’t think success or otherwise makes a difference when it comes to shame. Shame is there for me, all pervasive and ever present - I can even feel shameful about “success”. It’s a bloody nonsense but it’s there, sticky and stuck.

And yes @EveHarrington Brene Brown is not your friend unless you feel super able to rise above shame in a bold act of vulnerablity (while proclaiming how crippled by shame you are). It might work for common or garden “I feel bad about myself” shame, but not nuclear grade, PTSD shame.
 
It might work for common or garden “I feel bad about myself” shame, but not nuclear grade, PTSD shame.
Thank you!!!! I get so sick of people telling me that if I would just be vulnerable I wouldn't feel shame! What a bunch of crap. If I'm vulnerable it just means someone else knows about my "bad" things that caused all the shame and will use it against me at a future date.

I'm really self confident --- and also (so I've learned) carry a lot of shame with me for the things I've done to live. And I have no idea how those two things can co-exist. I think the self confidence comes from not caring what people think? Like me or don't - I don't need your approval? Or is it a cover story since I know they won't like me if they figure out who I am and what I've done. So I go the don't care route?

Ugh...need to think on this But @Suzetig -- thanks for starting this!
 
I am struggling with my shame a lot, and since the vulnerability came up with the shame, I have basically shut down over the last three weeks. The shame is overwhelming. My shame links in with my corrosive self doubt. I am immobilised by it at this point in time.

I cannot be in my body whilst other people are in the room. I certainly can't be in the room whilst my shame is present. I can't be vulnerable around other people, to think of doing that to potentially be vulnerable with another person, well I came home and just went to bed.

MY shame was activated yesterday and my suicidal ideation returned for half an hour or so, so that level of shame has abated, most of the time, except when I feel shame, but that shame is still all there.

Thank you for starting this @Suzetig, as I am felled by this at the moment.
 
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I'm really self confident --- and also (so I've learned) carry a lot of shame with me for the things I've done to live
This is be. Literally no one who knew me on a professional level, or a casual friends basis would think I was remotely shameful. I am generally super confident- the confidence that comes with working hard to be good at what I do. But under that I can be stopped in my tracks with shame. It’s been around a lot for me over the past few weeks - I’m sorry folk are in it too, but I’m glad I’m not alone.
 
Ugh, let's not talk about shame.

I have felt shame ever since the nuns told me I was personally responsible for murdering Jesus. Then puberty brought on a brand new and even more crippling kind of shame. I have often said that I walk in shame, bathe in shame, every day. It is my whole being. I cannot imagine what living without shame feels like.

And this kind of shame is what led me to being easily led by others and eventually abused. So whatever Brene says, long-term shame leads to vulnerability - the bad kind, not the hippy-dippy "healing" kind of vulnerability. The kind predators look for.
 
most recently, I think my shame is less CD/CB & more well deserved.

I’ve lost everything. Twice, in the past 4 years.

The first time I lost everything I had worked hard for, and built, over the past 15 years... including the life I wanted for my child, and any shred of self respect I may have once had.

Crushingly, it took me 2 long years to scrape together a fresh start, and then I had to go and blow it by getting sick. 2 more years later and while my physical health is mostly better, my physical fitness is a joke, and my life is still... well I don’t have a life.

On the upside, there wasn’t much to lose the second time around.

Still, some pretty profound shame about not being able to protect my child, or sort my life, or mens sana in copore sano ... it’s less the losing and more the not being strong enough, fast enough, smart enough, adaptive enough to prevent or recover from normal life stuff. And that’s on no one but me. My responsibility, my fault, my failure.
 
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Anyone else have shame linked to vulnerability?
Like, I can't seem to have one without the other. I don't want to be vulnerable, because all the bad feelings are vulnerable ones. Vulnerability has never served me well.
Like, I'd rather swear and joke and carry on than share my actual feelings, because feelings other than "being a badass" are shameful?
Has anyone got any strategies for helping with shame?
I dunno who Brene Brown is, but that might be a good thing.
 
Shame is a huge issue for me. I feel immense shame about the abuse I allowed to happen. In my mind it’s my fault for allowing it and so I deserved it. I’ll have to work on that..

Abuse aside I’m ashamed I can’t follow through on the goals I set for myself. I should weigh less than I do, be in better physical shape than I am.

Mostly I’m ashamed of not being a stronger person and for letting, what I see as mild and deserved abuse, affect me so much. I should be stronger and more resilient than I am.
 
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