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Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

Discussion in 'Supporter Relationships' started by Nicolette, Aug 13, 2011.

  1. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    After reading another introduction where a wife is struggling with her husband's lack of desire in the bedroom and intimacy I thought we should talk about it openly and frankly so there is a general thread to help others.

    My experience is that lack of sex drive is common with PTSD Sufferers; it seems more often or not it can be a side effect of medication but in my situation I know that is not always the case.

    From what I have learned in my time on the forum it seems easier for a person suffering PTSD to have sex with a stranger than a loved one as with a loved one is the increased stress of performance, two way satisfaction and the emotional involvement which is not required for a stranger.

    That being said there is the other side where a PTSD Suffer has been sexually violated in the past, in some instances causing their PTSD, which the stress of and flashbacks can cause issues for a normally healthy sexual relationship.

    The other issue is defining "normal and healthy". To me sex is the added bonus to a relationship, like the icing on the cake, but there are other components like friendship, compatibility and similar values which are the underpinning glue which hold a relationship together.

    I think a relationship without sex is hard and I have read on this forum that while some Sufferers struggle to get to that point, the release is also very beneficial for them and helps reduce stress.

    Forgoing sex and receiving intimacy such as touching, kissing and holding each other can, IMHO, compensate for lessened sex in the relationship.

    My experience is also that you need to "seize the moment" when there is sex on offer as a Sufferer can often shift from one feeling to another depending on what happens in a short amount of time.

    My relationship involves a lot of intimacy and enforcing of rules like kisses hello, goodbye and goodnight. (They are no longer rules but established minimums would be a better way to word it). Being sick recently has demonstrated to me that with more hugs and kisses my husband is coping better than he would have done in the past.

    I wonder this....... while some Supporters think it's about them being less attractive etc to cause the lack of interest..... have you considered that it is due to a Sufferer's diminished self worth having a mental illness and inability to function how they would like?
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  3. missd84

    missd84 Active Member

    I am a sufferer and not a supporter, so I hope you don't mind my comment here. I just had read in your thread about sometimes it's easier to have sex with a stranger than a loved one. While it's hard for me to have sex with anyone, because my trauma is sexually-related, I have found that the greater the emotional bond, the harder it is. I feel like I am letting that person down because I know they want that and deserve it but I can't give it to them fully. Just a thought and I'm glad someone pointed this out because I thought maybe I was the only one who was like this...
    Survivor2018, girlA, Mytime and 12 others like this.
  4. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    Thank you missd84. I get what you are saying and have heard it from my husband (when he spoke about his unmanaged PTSD time) along with others. You are definitely not alone and your view is welcomed. :)
    Mytime and Deaf Global Nomad like this.
  5. ClairBear226

    ClairBear226 Irony Consultant and Director of Chocolate Donated

    Okay, I'm mildly stunned. I'm glad you started this thread, Nicolette. Even when things are good, I haven't had squat for a sex drive as long as I've had PTSD (dx in 1993). I really hadn't thought it was related to the PTSD, though. Sorta never occured to me, really.
  6. Froggie

    Froggie When it seems impossible, the possible happens

    Great thread Nicolette, BTW, glad you're back after your medical problems, I know it's not over, but it is nice to see your name popping up.

    I have to admit that I've been a celibate since my PTSD. For the first years, I was completely terrified to let someone in my life ... just in case it was a pedophile. I would never have forgiven myself is that occured. Now I'm just hyper-vigilent ... Well it's not as bad as terrified :).

    I do have sex urges so it is on a manual basis ... ohhhh the dirty word - masturbation .... Well, yes guys / gals, we need it.

    I do miss the tenderness and attention, but the hyper-vigilency aspect keeps that away from me.

    Right now, there is a man who would do anything to be part of my life, but man he was just way tooooo fast for me that I had to put a stop. I told him yesterday that we needed to TALK ... we don't even know each other. I'm suspecting an affective dependancy on his part ... or is it my da** big boobs ... I already said it, I'm going to get them chopped. That was on my agenda this year but another priority came up so it will have to be later.
    Mytime, TreeHugger, Nicolette and 6 others like this.
  7. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    Froggie.....what to say to you?

    I think you can or at least try intimacy without having to jump into sex. With the right person working with you, whom you learn to trust, you my find a different outcome.

    In terms of your boobs, my thoughts are what is important is what you feel about you & not some ogling man. There will always be some so remember to evaluate persons that matter for the real reason they like you. Men are visual & are attracted by attributes like boobs but try to remember that you have to find someone who also wants to know & love you for who you are.
  8. Froggie

    Froggie When it seems impossible, the possible happens

    Nicolette, I know all that, and it's partly why this made me really mad. I feel fine with myself, but that extra weight from my breasts do cause back pain. It was starting to get important that I do something for me. For the rest, my breast have occasionned many mishaps with males in my life. What they didn't deal for was that I was a very strong person and could fight like a guy. So they learned that my "NO" was a real NO. Right now, with all that's been happening for the last 2 1/2 months the last thing on my mind is finding a mate. I'm thankful that I do not have affective dependancy problems. Your words just confirm that I am right. This guy is a good person, but I do believe he is in love with love and has an affective dependancy problem. I'm not going to pass my time running away from him, but will confront him this week about this problem so that he can at least respect my boundries.
  9. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    You seem to have your head screwed on very well Froggie and that is a huge compliment let alone what you are also dealing with which, if anything must make you feel vulnerable, if not uncertain of where your life is at.

    I have heard big breasts cause back pain, so if that is your reason for a reduction, and not 'hiding yourself' you have my support. To be honest you would still have my support if it were to hide if that is what you wanted (((hugs))).
  10. Froggie

    Froggie When it seems impossible, the possible happens

    Nicolette, with age, breast become gravity ladenned.... my shoulder blades and back bone would feel like they were on fire at least 60-70% of the time. But with all that is going on, I have had to postpone that project. I was looking forward to that surgery for ... let's say ... 90 % physical pain reasons and the rest was for I was getting tired of the looks.
    TreeHugger, BloomInWinter and wife of like this.
  11. LostBear325

    LostBear325 Active Member

    I am a sufferer, so i hope it is alright for me to post here.

    I just want to say it is nice to see that other people feel the same ways I do. My biggest problem is I just do not feel pretty or attractive anymore. I am in a relationship, but it gets very hard for us because it is very hard for me to get in to that sort of mood. She thinks it is because of her, and I have tried to explain it to her that its me not her. But it has still made things hard between us.

    Froggie, I definitely know how you feel as far as big boobs. Mine have always been big, and it makes me so self-conscious because I wonder whether people are talking to me or them, ya know? I did consider getting a reduction, but then I was like "no, they are me." I have had big boobs for as long as I can remember LOL. I shouldnt have to change because someone else cant control themselves.
  12. ISupportHer

    ISupportHer Supporter Member Premium Member

    I will just say that forcing sex can be bad too. I have hated when, even when I am assured it's "OK" and I say ahead of time that it's OK to stop at any time, when I find out later that there were flash backs and memories, and it was somehow suppressed at the time, dissociation or whatever. I feel terrible and after this happens several times, I am less inclined to believe it IS OK. I'd rather not do anything than to retraumatise. I understand that, given an abuse history and all the powerlessness that implies, it is hard to voice "stop". But it is very hurtful to me to find out after the fact that those feelings occured. And it's not that I am not trying to watch for any sign of a problem. Just TELL me! I DO NOT want mercy sex. I will not HAVE mercy sex.

    If, as a sufferer, you cannot do it, let me know. Don't just go along. You have the right to say NO. No matter HOW long we have been married. You can say NO

  13. vuduciel

    vuduciel New Member

    Nicollete, I should thanks u for starting the thread as its related to what am facing right now with my bf who is PTSD sufferer but I think I better save my comment since I am new to PTSD and still must learn a lot about it. I enjoy reading all comments tho and its helps me to understand better. ^-^
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