Letting Go


I thought I'd feel better when back in my own environment and I don't.

I feel myself opening up more to these emotions I have about things discussed, my reactions in church and I feel it feeding into more unhappiness because I don't want to feel this way. Sickening.

I know I can do this. Just kind of spinning. I had a small bit of coffee there that might have done it but truly I think it's way more that I cried most of church. Like a steady right left right left IV drip from my eyes. Couldn't turn it off.

I'm hungry and frustrated and feel like ill explode.

Breathing is helping a lot.


So many things trigger me. This was why I wanted to kill myself.

I felt and remember feeling completely hopeless for a quality future.

From celebrating new life/new beginnings, God, love and everything good, to wanting to die was a whole shock itself.

The message was amazing. The church is lovely. People, supportive.

This is just my life today. All the different truths together shut me down. All the different switches/triggers set off. Now I deal with the aftermath.

I was physically shaking for a while from emotional pain?

Im pissed off, shut down, consciously able to fight slipping completely off. Tired of the struggle. I know it strengthens each time. I have since stopped crying but the emotions are building up.

I want to cancel T tomorrow.

Theres some external stress/ pressure from distant family. Ive learned people's desires of me are always worth considering but saying no is healthy.

I'm full of anger. :( must feel, must relax as much as possible. The pain is what I'm resisting and it's getting worse. Maybe I'll cry again. Get stuff out.

Editing when reading that back I'm not even sure it's said right.