Letting Go

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Ugh I don't know how to say this without feeling like ill be completely rejected. And if you don't get it--- please just go away! ⚔️

My cousin was a model and I was offered to be one. They told me I had enough scars and I would have to stop "playing rough" and stuff. No bruises or scrapes.

My big brother was always doing something cool and fun. He would protect me- "you're a girl I can't let you do this part" but I still got hurt a lot- maybe more than someone without a big brother.

I didn't stop playing to get my picture taken. My mom was a bit disappointed but she never pushed me to do it after I wasn't interested anymore. I just wanted the money I think.

Full disclaimer: I don't care about how I look. I had no say in it.

Whyyyyyyy say this crap? Because I got so much attention yesterday! I worked a long day, saw many people (touristy) and the guys I work with, we're a bit sweet on me all day. I gently let it roll away but the part I can't let go of is how NOT sweet the man I married is to me. Anger!!!!

One of the guys at work (A) is single. He told me that.
He's a 22yrs in the Navy veteran, which I think is sweet. He was sweet on me the whole time 🕰️bought me dinner (at work). Dead-serious insisted we get food I liked and they all would. not. Drop it. All I could think of was "spicy food" that led to the Thai place up the street. He wouldn't let me pay for my food.

After working for hours and dinner he said "first you take cbd at work (he likes mmj) and now you like spicy food? Who sent you here? I'm just wondering to myself who is this girl?"
😲

Big big sigh.

Also....I was dealing with people the entire day, and Im not used to that anymore. I also got a lot of male attention that way. It got annoying!!! Trust me it's not that cute. I don't like attention from strangers like that.

The guy who hired me R (I've known for a while as a friendly acquaintance) got very close to me. Sharing body heat. He's cute too. I used to be very annoyed by behaviors like this but now I feel single.

They appreciated me as an employee which is the best part because that's why I'm there and I work hard. They're glad I work there, and everyone there is a happy employee because the family running it and the organization inside the company is soo good. Still don't know if I'll keep the job. I don't need the job really.

Random:

(A) gave me some of the companies PR stuff. Tried to convince me to work all his shifts.
He's cute too.

When I was happily married I never liked the attention from men.

Now?! I feel so effed up in the head.

I hate myself. :/
Also during the police trauma I developed issues with self image. They all saw me mostly naked.

:( so I like the attention some I think. It's so strange how I feel about things anymore I hate it.

T said if I knew how everything in my life was going to work out, that would be a little crazy because there's just so much big stuff going on.

Im quite upset. :/ I just want life to be normal like before trauma. But it never will be. I'm not happy anymore and there's so much I can't do about it. All the other stuff I'm doing. (NOT saying there's no room for improvement, but normally T is cautioning me to rest and get off my own case).

I don't get what's going on in my life right now. 🌪️
 
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Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
T told me to think about the 90 day separation more. Go further steps in my head about it. I need to do that before I can get divorced.

Ever since the marriage T said what I'm looking for in the marriage is not too much...he has been acting weeeiirrrrddddddddddd I don't like it.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
They told me I had enough scars and I would have to stop "playing rough" and stuff. No bruises or scrapes.
I’m confused? Did you play sports? What is “playing rough”?

"you're a girl I can't let you do this part" but I still got hurt a lot- maybe more than someone without a big brother.
It’s nice to have someone looking out for you. What do you mean by “got hurt a lot”?

I didn't stop playing to get my picture taken.
What did you play?

the part I can't let go of is how NOT sweet the man I married is to me. Anger!!!!
You deserve someone to be sweet to you. I’d be angry, too.

After working for hours and dinner he said "first you take cbd at work (he likes mmj) and now you like spicy food? Who sent you here? I'm just wondering to myself who is this girl?"
😲

Big big sigh.
Sighing with you. Big sighs!

They're glad I work there, and everyone there is a happy employee because the family running it and the organization inside the company is soo good. Still don't know if I'll keep the job. I don't need the job really.
Do you think this job is overall a good thing for you? Especially during this transitionary time? It might actually be? Does that scare you?

When I was happily married I never liked the attention from men.

Now?! I feel so effed up in the head.
You aren’t effed up. Not in the slightest.

Hate myself. :/
Also during the police trauma I developed issues with self image. They all saw me mostly naked.
I’m sorry =( I can understand about this in my own way.

( so I like the attention some I think. It's so strange how I feel about things anymore I hate it.
It’s normal.

Im quite upset. :/ I just want life to be normal like before trauma. But it never will be. I'm not happy anymore and there's so much I can't do about it. All the other stuff I'm doing. (NOT saying there's no room for improvement, but normally T is cautioning me to rest and get off my own case).
Yeah, sometimes things just never will be like they are before. We can only move forward.

T said what I'm looking for in the marriage is not too much...he has been acting weeeiirrrrddddddddddd I don't like it.
It’s not too much, I’m certain. Do you think you are done for good? Is there any hope left?


Thanks for sharing this post. Don’t feel obligated to reply to anything I asked. I know it took a lot for you to share and it’s a vulnerable place for you. I feel like I really know you a lot more now. Sending all the love and support your way. Please just know I’m on your team on this journey and I’ve got your back no matter what.
 
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