Letting Go
- Thread starter Defaultxlove
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #2,139
Defaultxlove
MyPTSD Pro
Being here is helping. You all are the best.What can you do? That sounds bad
I need to take Aleve for pain.
I want to cry more maybe I will later.
I want to say all the things I'm thinking and feeling and upset about but I feel mute!! Ughhhhhhh stupid crap. I hate it.
Thank you for sharing @Defaultxlove, just talk in small doses, as much as you can manage 
Renly
MyPTSD Pro
Sitting with you today @Defaultxlove 
Lumos
MyPTSD Pro
Survivor3
MyPTSD Pro
Yes me too, thinking of you ā¤ 
elephant
MyPTSD Pro
- Thread starter
- #2,145
Defaultxlove
MyPTSD Pro
Ugh I don't know how to say this without feeling like ill be completely rejected. And if you don't get it--- please just go away! 
My cousin was a model and I was offered to be one. They told me I had enough scars and I would have to stop "playing rough" and stuff. No bruises or scrapes.
My big brother was always doing something cool and fun. He would protect me- "you're a girl I can't let you do this part" but I still got hurt a lot- maybe more than someone without a big brother.
I didn't stop playing to get my picture taken. My mom was a bit disappointed but she never pushed me to do it after I wasn't interested anymore. I just wanted the money I think.
Full disclaimer: I don't care about how I look. I had no say in it.
Whyyyyyyy say this crap? Because I got so much attention yesterday! I worked a long day, saw many people (touristy) and the guys I work with, we're a bit sweet on me all day. I gently let it roll away but the part I can't let go of is how NOT sweet the man I married is to me. Anger!!!!
One of the guys at work (A) is single. He told me that.
He's a 22yrs in the Navy veteran, which I think is sweet. He was sweet on me the whole time
bought me dinner (at work). Dead-serious insisted we get food I liked and they all would. not. Drop it. All I could think of was "spicy food" that led to the Thai place up the street. He wouldn't let me pay for my food.
After working for hours and dinner he said "first you take cbd at work (he likes mmj) and now you like spicy food? Who sent you here? I'm just wondering to myself who is this girl?"
Big big sigh.
Also....I was dealing with people the entire day, and Im not used to that anymore. I also got a lot of male attention that way. It got annoying!!! Trust me it's not that cute. I don't like attention from strangers like that.
The guy who hired me R (I've known for a while as a friendly acquaintance) got very close to me. Sharing body heat. He's cute too. I used to be very annoyed by behaviors like this but now I feel single.
They appreciated me as an employee which is the best part because that's why I'm there and I work hard. They're glad I work there, and everyone there is a happy employee because the family running it and the organization inside the company is soo good. Still don't know if I'll keep the job. I don't need the job really.
Random:
(A) gave me some of the companies PR stuff. Tried to convince me to work all his shifts.
He's cute too.
When I was happily married I never liked the attention from men.
Now?! I feel so effed up in the head.
I hate myself. :/
Also during the police trauma I developed issues with self image. They all saw me mostly naked.
:( so I like the attention some I think. It's so strange how I feel about things anymore I hate it.
T said if I knew how everything in my life was going to work out, that would be a little crazy because there's just so much big stuff going on.
Im quite upset. :/ I just want life to be normal like before trauma. But it never will be. I'm not happy anymore and there's so much I can't do about it. All the other stuff I'm doing. (NOT saying there's no room for improvement, but normally T is cautioning me to rest and get off my own case).
I don't get what's going on in my life right now.
My cousin was a model and I was offered to be one. They told me I had enough scars and I would have to stop "playing rough" and stuff. No bruises or scrapes.
My big brother was always doing something cool and fun. He would protect me- "you're a girl I can't let you do this part" but I still got hurt a lot- maybe more than someone without a big brother.
I didn't stop playing to get my picture taken. My mom was a bit disappointed but she never pushed me to do it after I wasn't interested anymore. I just wanted the money I think.
Full disclaimer: I don't care about how I look. I had no say in it.
Whyyyyyyy say this crap? Because I got so much attention yesterday! I worked a long day, saw many people (touristy) and the guys I work with, we're a bit sweet on me all day. I gently let it roll away but the part I can't let go of is how NOT sweet the man I married is to me. Anger!!!!
One of the guys at work (A) is single. He told me that.
He's a 22yrs in the Navy veteran, which I think is sweet. He was sweet on me the whole time
bought me dinner (at work). Dead-serious insisted we get food I liked and they all would. not. Drop it. All I could think of was "spicy food" that led to the Thai place up the street. He wouldn't let me pay for my food.After working for hours and dinner he said "first you take cbd at work (he likes mmj) and now you like spicy food? Who sent you here? I'm just wondering to myself who is this girl?"
Big big sigh.
Also....I was dealing with people the entire day, and Im not used to that anymore. I also got a lot of male attention that way. It got annoying!!! Trust me it's not that cute. I don't like attention from strangers like that.
The guy who hired me R (I've known for a while as a friendly acquaintance) got very close to me. Sharing body heat. He's cute too. I used to be very annoyed by behaviors like this but now I feel single.
They appreciated me as an employee which is the best part because that's why I'm there and I work hard. They're glad I work there, and everyone there is a happy employee because the family running it and the organization inside the company is soo good. Still don't know if I'll keep the job. I don't need the job really.
Random:
(A) gave me some of the companies PR stuff. Tried to convince me to work all his shifts.
He's cute too.
When I was happily married I never liked the attention from men.
Now?! I feel so effed up in the head.
I hate myself. :/
Also during the police trauma I developed issues with self image. They all saw me mostly naked.
:( so I like the attention some I think. It's so strange how I feel about things anymore I hate it.
T said if I knew how everything in my life was going to work out, that would be a little crazy because there's just so much big stuff going on.
Im quite upset. :/ I just want life to be normal like before trauma. But it never will be. I'm not happy anymore and there's so much I can't do about it. All the other stuff I'm doing. (NOT saying there's no room for improvement, but normally T is cautioning me to rest and get off my own case).
I don't get what's going on in my life right now.
Last edited:
- Thread starter
- #2,146
Defaultxlove
MyPTSD Pro
T told me to think about the 90 day separation more. Go further steps in my head about it. I need to do that before I can get divorced.
Ever since the marriage T said what I'm looking for in the marriage is not too much...he has been acting weeeiirrrrddddddddddd I don't like it.
Ever since the marriage T said what I'm looking for in the marriage is not too much...he has been acting weeeiirrrrddddddddddd I don't like it.
- Thread starter
- #2,147
Defaultxlove
MyPTSD Pro
I hung out with A today...her and I talked so much. I feel good from that.
I'm home now. Very distracted, a bit disoriented. Super annoyed.
I'm home now. Very distracted, a bit disoriented. Super annoyed.
Renly
MyPTSD Pro
Iām confused? Did you play sports? What is āplaying roughā?
Itās nice to have someone looking out for you. What do you mean by āgot hurt a lotā?
What did you play?
You deserve someone to be sweet to you. Iād be angry, too.
Sighing with you. Big sighs!After working for hours and dinner he said "first you take cbd at work (he likes mmj) and now you like spicy food? Who sent you here? I'm just wondering to myself who is this girl?"
Big big sigh.
Do you think this job is overall a good thing for you? Especially during this transitionary time? It might actually be? Does that scare you?
You arenāt effed up. Not in the slightest.
Iām sorry =( I can understand about this in my own way.
Itās normal.
Yeah, sometimes things just never will be like they are before. We can only move forward.
Itās not too much, Iām certain. Do you think you are done for good? Is there any hope left?
Thanks for sharing this post. Donāt feel obligated to reply to anything I asked. I know it took a lot for you to share and itās a vulnerable place for you. I feel like I really know you a lot more now. Sending all the love and support your way. Please just know Iām on your team on this journey and Iāve got your back no matter what.
