Life begins at 51


@Teasel When a person comes out of an abusive situation, you can have years of being told how "useless", "incompetent", "worthless", "failure"etc. we are. I know there are times 20+ years after being divorced those negative messages of my ex can still grab hold and make me question everything I think I know about myself. Fortunately with therapy and time, those "times" are fewer in number, farther a part and less in duration.

You are starting this journey and my one goal, with my ex was, never to allow him to steal my peace after I broke free. When you are in your place of peace, confidence and safety, savor and enjoy each moment as this will reinforce the positives in your life. You did an amazing thing when you left and started over. That took a lot of courage and it was also your statement of hope for a better future.

Also, as you live more independently and develop new relationships, you'll find your confidence will increase and it will become less of an internal roller coaster where you find you are not questioning yourself so much. You are a bright, talented and amazing woman and too bad we are all so far apart as I would be honored to spend time with you as a friend.


Happens sometimes I lose muscle tone and a nerve in my lower back will get pinched and it's happened again. Gentle stretching, strengthening, and making a big effort to have good posture and hold myself up tall usually sort it out, so hopefully it will again this time.

Mood has been ok :)

Have had an increase in memory problems again, and been feeling unwell a bit, occasonally very unwell. My phone call to the dr didn't get anywhere as they say they have no record of me registering. Went to do it face to face today. Hopefully I can talk to someone about this soon.

Bought a book suggested by my art teacher, On not being able to paint by Marion Milner. A psychoanalyst who studied herself as she tried to learn how to paint.
Both ventures, the analytic as well as the creative one, seem to demand similar external and internal conditions. There is the same need for ‘circumstances in which it is safe to be absent-minded’ (i.e. for conscious logic and reason to be absent from one’s mind). There is the same unwillingness to transgress beyond the reassuring limits of the secondary process and ‘to accept chaos as a temporary stage’. There is the same fear of the ‘plunge into no-differentiation’ and the disbelief in the ‘spontaneous ordering forces’ which emerge, once the plunge is taken. There is, above all, the same terror of the unknown. Evidently, it demands as much courage from the beginning painter to look at objects in the external world and see them without clear and compact outlines, as it demands courage from the beginning analysand to look at his own inner world and suspend secondary elaboration. There are even the same faults committed. The painter interferes with the process of creation when, in the author’s words, he cannot bear the ‘uncertainty about what is emerging long enough, as if one had to turn the scribble into some recognisable whole when, in fact, the thought or mood seeking expression had not yet reached that stage’. Nothing can resemble more closely than this the attitude of haste and anxiety on the analyst’s or patient’s part which leads to premature interpretation, closes the road to the unconscious and puts a temporary stop to the spontaneous upsurge of the id-material. On the other hand, when anxieties and the resistances resulting from them are overcome, and the ‘sur-render of the planning conscious intention has been achieved’, both – painter and analysand – are rewarded by ‘a surprise, both in form and content’.

And, last night I drew a spirit animal card, got flamingo, talking bout being balance between the past and the future, or being in the in between.

Both had me think of what someone said to me many years ago anout me needing to take a leap of faith. And I think leaving Mr is defo part of that. But maybe there's more 🙂


Met another woman I think has the potential to be a friend. We find ourselves really talking to each other, I'm so excited lol 😆🥰

Like, we're both ADHD and Autistic, Audhders so to speak. Only she has the diagnosis of ADHD and suspects Autism too, whereas I've sought out an Autism diagnosis first and suspect ADHD too. So she's been hyper focusing on learning all about ADHD and I've been doing the same on Autism.

Coming across someone I just click with like that hasn't happened too many times in my life, it means a lot to me.


Thank you @Wendell_R the back pain is all but gone. Grateful 🙂

Art class today, and I am fine each week with the practise exercises, but each time we go to paint something properly I am lost. I don't think it's all my fault, i think the exercises are explained and demonstrated really well. The final pieces less so. Anyways I shall practise at home this week. See if I can get a bit better at it.


Had a moment. Realised in the last week or two I've done quite a few of the things I loved to do before I met him. Feels a bit miraculous. When I think for how many years I thought I'd never get away. I can't put into words how big of a deal it is.
Did you rename your diary today? I LOVE IT! Perfect! It is miraculous and you deserve every bit of a good life and happiness.


Been told I have to look for somewhere else to live. I'm so incredibly sad. I wish I could have had more time here, things being good, stable, safe.

I only just now started to feel like things are going good for me and to get the news the very next day that that will end is devastating.

Opening up this page to see the new title to my diary just did me in.

Life beginning at 51 can of course be awful, no guarantees of it being lovely.