But my distractions aren't working so well for me lately. I was trying to do one of those "Paint Along with Me" videos on Facebook but my thoughts just kept overwhelming me. Finally I just had to put it down. Last year I started attending online ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) meetings but got discouraged with feeling like once again I was in the wrong, and had to fix myself before I was loveable (something I greatly struggle with). Also, ACA relies heavily on Inner Child work, something which I just could not get into. I could not reach back and recognize my inner child. I barely remember my life before the age of 10, so trying to talk to the 8 year old me was challenging and ultimately seemed forced. A couple of days ago tho I rediscovered my inner teenager- my 16 year old self. A horrible time for me as I was extremely suicidal. I've started talking to her instead....which still seems really weird but at least it's doable. I had a therapist once ask if I heard voices (seemingly implying schizophrenia) because I was trying to explain the different 'sides' of myself. I was just trying to explain that there is a battle inside me, me trying to convince myself that I am a good person whereas that other 'voice' belittles the thought. I think I'm still a little paranoid that talking to my inner child would cause a similar question. Regardless, we just had a nice chat-- lol it still seems to strange to write that! I don't remember many details of my life regarding my family, which often leaves me feeling invalidated. Yet I do remember how I felt as a 16 year old, cutting and wanting to die. I don't think a 16 year old should feel like that, so maybe that's a good starting point. Maybe the why isn't so important.