Life is a series of distractions.

wisteria

Confident
But my distractions aren't working so well for me lately. I was trying to do one of those "Paint Along with Me" videos on Facebook but my thoughts just kept overwhelming me. Finally I just had to put it down. Last year I started attending online ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) meetings but got discouraged with feeling like once again I was in the wrong, and had to fix myself before I was loveable (something I greatly struggle with). Also, ACA relies heavily on Inner Child work, something which I just could not get into. I could not reach back and recognize my inner child. I barely remember my life before the age of 10, so trying to talk to the 8 year old me was challenging and ultimately seemed forced. A couple of days ago tho I rediscovered my inner teenager- my 16 year old self. A horrible time for me as I was extremely suicidal. I've started talking to her instead....which still seems really weird but at least it's doable. I had a therapist once ask if I heard voices (seemingly implying schizophrenia) because I was trying to explain the different 'sides' of myself. I was just trying to explain that there is a battle inside me, me trying to convince myself that I am a good person whereas that other 'voice' belittles the thought. I think I'm still a little paranoid that talking to my inner child would cause a similar question. Regardless, we just had a nice chat-- lol it still seems to strange to write that! I don't remember many details of my life regarding my family, which often leaves me feeling invalidated. Yet I do remember how I felt as a 16 year old, cutting and wanting to die. I don't think a 16 year old should feel like that, so maybe that's a good starting point. Maybe the why isn't so important.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
in my own case, the why became more evident as i developed the dialogue with my own inner teen. quite allot of those repressed memories from my earlier childhood started resurfacing, as well. can you tell i am a big believer in inner child work these days? like you, i started out as a skeptic, but have seen the light. yea, it felt seriously weird at first, but healing happened as i stretched my comfort zone. i recently let my inner 2 year old throw a tantrum in a tax office and received some delightful results. the brats may be on to something. . .

for what its worth
i am a long time alanon member, adult child. i have found the adult child groups to be a bit limited in their focus. i have the adult child issues and i have benefitted from the ACA meetings, but i the mama now and i need a broader focus. life seldom specializes.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
I could not reach back and recognize my inner child.
This is also so strange for me. It’s like, first off it’s weird…and secondly, my brain kind of rejects child-me. Like something is wrong with child-me.
A couple of days ago tho I rediscovered my inner teenager- my 16 year old self. A horrible time for me as I was extremely suicidal. I've started talking to her instead....which still seems really weird but at least it's doable.
I can more easily connect with teenage me as well. It’s still uncomfortable, but more doable. My T wants to revisit child-me at some point, but we’ve got enough to sort through at the moment without adding in child work, too.
I was just trying to explain that there is a battle inside me, me trying to convince myself that I am a good person whereas that other 'voice' belittles the thought.
Do you currently have a trauma therapist? I’ve got lots of “parts” inside my head (not DID) - my T and I are doing EMDR and IFS (internal family systems). EMDR is helping me process my trauma. IFS is helping me identify my parts, describe how I experience them (especially when triggered), and learn how to get “everyone” to cooperate and (most important for me) to quiet down in there lol. It’s loud in my head and I have a lot of parts in conflict.

A lot of people have said IFS is weird or encourages the parts to become more split, but for me it felt very natural and has actually made me feel more “whole”. I know all my parts are ME, but I have a number of them that are a bit out of control and I couldn’t understand why I was engaging in behaviors that felt like “not me”. Recognizing my parts, learning the WHY behind their behaviors, and giving them what they need is helping me heal and learn new skills.

But my distractions aren't working so well for me lately.
Story of my life!! I was so good at distracting myself for so many years…until I wasn’t anymore. Through therapy, I realized the distractions were actually hindering real healing.
 

wisteria

Confident
i recently let my inner 2 year old throw a tantrum in a tax office and received some delightful results. the brats may be on to something. . .
LOL!!! Also was going to say in regards to online ACA mtgs I think it's challenging to get a sponsor, and I think I might've had more 'success' with a sponsor? but who knows, maybe I'm making excuses. idk if IRL meetings would be different cuz I've never been.
 

wisteria

Confident
Do you currently have a trauma therapist? I’ve got lots of “parts” inside my head (not DID) - my T and I are doing EMDR and IFS (internal family systems). EMDR is helping me process my trauma. IFS is helping me identify my parts, describe how I experience them (especially when triggered), and learn how to get “everyone” to cooperate and (most important for me) to quiet down in there lol. It’s loud in my head and I have a lot of parts in conflict.
Okay, this might sound awful, but I don't know if my therapist is 'certified' in trauma or whatever. This is my fourth one in 3 years. It is so hard to research good therapists! My first came highly recommended for EMDR.........except her plan was to start EMDR on the second visit. Apparently you do not need to trust a therapist before you start EMDR, according to research anyway. According to me, you DO need to trust them first! It did not go well. My second therapist wanted to do EMDR but I felt like she didn't know what to do with me, so let's do EMDR (admittedly, after the first I had a very negative opinion of EMDR). I made certain that my 3rd therapist was trauma-certified, but we sure as heck didn't click either. At that point I threw all certifications and licenses to the wind and blindly picked someone. That'll guarantee a good therapist, right? LOL. Ok, it wasn't that absent-minded but close to it, so cross your fingers for me.

I am intrigued about the 'parts' cuz I definitely feel like I've got parts but I know I don't have DID, so I never really looked into it further. I'll have to check out IFS.
 

wisteria

Confident
I watched a video today about self-hate and shame. It said something along the lines of the "child invalidates the parents identity just be existing." WTH does that mean? Anyway it went on to say that we turn to self-hate as a way to cope, and I get that, more or less. So I decided to have a conversation with myself/parts (also watched a video on fragmentation) to try to get to the bottom of it. I've got this Part (nicknamed P, so creative of me) that is hellbent on killing me. K (the other part, again, not very creative since it's the first letter of my name) is much more rational and reasonable, but P just wants me dead. I really don't understand how P is protecting me. I'm afraid P will kill me and overall I don't know what to do about it. Talking to him reasonably isn't working. Yelling at him to shut up isn't working. Ignoring him sure as hell doesn't work? Now what?
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
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Hi again...when I feel in a bunch of pieces it helps me to actively journal as if it were a school paper or something. Get all set up in a clean work space, vomit thoughts on paper (no organization just free flow) have an additional piece of paper to draw a mind map on.
 

wisteria

Confident
Great day of distractions! Maybe I shouldn't be happy about that, but after yesterday and Monday I really needed a break. I found myself just starting into space, absolutely lacking in any motivation to do anything, that I finally just went to bed at a ridiculous hour (I don't think it was even 6). Then of course I just proceeded to lie there thinking too much, sleeping little. Maybe distractions aren't the answer but OMG, I can't take living in my head all the time either. So today I went on a couple of good hikes, spent a couple of hours mowing the lawn, and then some time dusting (I hate dusting and have been putting it off forever, which is not good when you heat your house with a wood stove). The house looks better at least.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
I can't take living in my head all the time either. So today I went on a couple of good hikes, spent a couple of hours mowing the lawn, and then some time dusting (I hate dusting and have been putting it off forever, which is not good when you heat your house with a wood stove). The house looks better at least.
Ditto…it’s often scary, noisy, and uncomfortable in my head 😂😂😂 Sounds like you spent the day doing really positive things. Kudos to you!
 

wisteria

Confident
Yesterday I listened to an 11 hour long audiobook in one day, it was that good. It's called We Were Never Here and actually gets pretty lousy reviews on Amazon, LOL, but I think I liked it cuz it was so darn relatable, making it both triggering and validating. The main character was a master gaslighter, much like my ex, and near the end I was getting nearly panicky, the book was just so convincingly accurate. I felt like I was losing my mind, that I was the sick twisted one....ugh I got so caught up in it. Very disturbing. Apparently it's being made into a movie.....but how many books are successfully made into a movie?

This morning I sent my spit off to be tested for my 2nd hereditary cancer DNA test. I paid for the first test out of pocket because I couldn't stand to wait 4 months to go through insurance, but insurance is paying for this one. Might as well double check it, right? I'm fairly confident that the results from the first test were accurate (ie that I don't have the BRCA2 gene) but I can't help but be a little anxious. If anything, it's reassuring that I'm still terrified of dying, since lately I've gotten a bit too complacent with that thought.
 

wisteria

Confident
I am so fricken tired, I can't think straight. My T appt is an hour later today. Not sure why we can't set up a consistent schedule for appointments. Last Friday I had a moment of confidence and signed up to volunteer for Meals on Wheels. The moment was fleeting and now I want to cancel out of it. The coordinator is going to call later so I need to decide what to do. I hate to make the commitment when I should instead be looking for a job. It would be a good distraction tho. Are distractions really the answer? Maybe I'll try some of your vomit journaling @Defaultxlove LOL I guess that's not exactly what you called it
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
I am so fricken tired, I can't think straight. My T appt is an hour later today. Not sure why we can't set up a consistent schedule for appointments. Last Friday I had a moment of confidence and signed up to volunteer for Meals on Wheels. The moment was fleeting and now I want to cancel out of it. The coordinator is going to call later so I need to decide what to do. I hate to make the commitment when I should instead be looking for a job. It would be a good distraction tho. Are distractions really the answer? Maybe I'll try some of your vomit journaling @Defaultxlove LOL I guess that's not exactly what you called it
Vomit journaling. I'm fine with it. Are you having the jitters about going somewhere social? Or too anxious to be helpful as a volunteer? Or something in between ?
 
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