- Thread starter
- #121
wisteria
Confident
I'm feeling pretty good, ready to take on the day. Still anxious for me appt in just over an hour, but that's normal.
i visited my old place of work this weekend, even talked to 2 employees- one accidently, one on purpose. The accidental one said my position hasn't been filled since I left. That made me feel good, like I'm irreplaceable (not true, it's an easy job, but it felt good anyway). The purpose one gave me the run down on another dept, and I shared a little bit about my sister. It felt good to be 'real' and not my usual happy kathy. I even considered taking my old job back. But that would be a mistake. I need a different environment.
I worked as a vendor in a big box store. I wasn't an employee of the big box store, so I always felt like the perpetual outsider. I didn't feel like anyone had my back. I worked alone and I rarely ever heard from my supervisor. When I could feel myself slipping into a 'mood' (hello Emily!) I would try to talk to someone. I would walk around the store desperate to talk to someone. Not about anything serious. Talking about the weather would be just fine. I just needed someone to acknowledge my existence, to recognize me as a worthwhile human. And I could not find anyone. In a retail environment filled with customers and employees, I could not find anyone to spend 5 minutes chatting with. It might not sound like much, but it makes me anxious and tense just to write this. Totally triggered my feelings of rejection and as much as I tried to control it, I soon spiraled into Emily. And it's such a simple little thing, isn't it? Just wanting to CHAT with someone!
And then of course I kick myself for needing anyone at all, like I'm seeking their validation, and I shouldn't be seeking their validation. I should be all that I need.
Anyway, that's why I'm not going back.
i visited my old place of work this weekend, even talked to 2 employees- one accidently, one on purpose. The accidental one said my position hasn't been filled since I left. That made me feel good, like I'm irreplaceable (not true, it's an easy job, but it felt good anyway). The purpose one gave me the run down on another dept, and I shared a little bit about my sister. It felt good to be 'real' and not my usual happy kathy. I even considered taking my old job back. But that would be a mistake. I need a different environment.
I worked as a vendor in a big box store. I wasn't an employee of the big box store, so I always felt like the perpetual outsider. I didn't feel like anyone had my back. I worked alone and I rarely ever heard from my supervisor. When I could feel myself slipping into a 'mood' (hello Emily!) I would try to talk to someone. I would walk around the store desperate to talk to someone. Not about anything serious. Talking about the weather would be just fine. I just needed someone to acknowledge my existence, to recognize me as a worthwhile human. And I could not find anyone. In a retail environment filled with customers and employees, I could not find anyone to spend 5 minutes chatting with. It might not sound like much, but it makes me anxious and tense just to write this. Totally triggered my feelings of rejection and as much as I tried to control it, I soon spiraled into Emily. And it's such a simple little thing, isn't it? Just wanting to CHAT with someone!
And then of course I kick myself for needing anyone at all, like I'm seeking their validation, and I shouldn't be seeking their validation. I should be all that I need.
Anyway, that's why I'm not going back.