Sufferer lifelong abuse sufferer still trying to figure out what "normal" is

badb

New Here
hello everyone. i was diagnosed with ptsd almost a year ago now.

my therapist recently suggested that maybe group therapy would be good for me to look in to, but considering the pandemic my options in that direction are... limited! of course a forum isn't the same thing as therapy—but i thought maybe some feeling of community and speaking with others who may understand some of what's going on with me would be better than none at all. plus what could it hurt?

in january of last year i packed everything i could fit in two suitcases and moved in with some friends i managed to make half way across the country. i won't dig too deeply into specifics, but up until that point my life was more or less constant abuse. all encompassing abuse. what my parents put me through shaped my reality so much that i had completely given up on having a life.

this puts me in a strange place now, here, trying to navigate adult life and healthy relationships and so many things that should feel "better" or "normal". i logically know that i'm safe now, that it's ok, that i've got help and can move on, but i still find myself ruled by the same terror and self loathing i've always had since i was a child. hard as i try i still can't work, and the only way i manage to function in the day to day is by allowing myself to just... dissociate through things. don't look too close.

last fall and winter i suffered from insomnia so severe that i got on average 12 hours of sleep a week, plus an entire week where i just didn't sleep at all. luckily my therapist was able to guide me in the direction of trying medication, which now controls the insomnia very well, but doesn't help much with everything else.

i can't say that i know WHAT to do, but i do know that i can't keep going on like this. i'm not willing to give up again.

so!! that's me. i hope you all are doing well, and thank you for letting me share this with you.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
Hi and welcome @badb.?You've been having a really rough time. I hope things ease up for you.

Lots of us find the exposure therapy of journally here, really helpful. And the peer support is invaluable.

Also, starting threads around anything you'd like input from other's, who get it, could be a good way to troubleshoot problems.

I hope you find this site safe and supportive, you are certainly among peers here.
 

fern

Confident
Welcome, @badb
Keep hanging in there. I know the pandemic has thrown a wrench in everyone's plans, to say the least, and we all owe ourselves some more compassion as we survive this, along with all our other shit.
I'm glad the medication helps with sleep. If you are still wanting to pursue therapy, I know that a LOT of therapist offer therapy over video chat. There may also be group therapy over video chat, depending on where you live (I live in a big city where there are lots of resources, thankfully).
Also there are tons of support groups over zoom.
Often the most useful and most painfully difficult part of my recovery is connection with others.
I'm glad you found these forums, and I hope you are safe and well.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome. Sorry you have the need to be here but glad you found a place that is like no other with support, validation and feedback if needed.

Asking for help is a huge step, and leaving your abusive environment was also a huge step in finding how to live.

'Normal', uh, I can't say that I know what that is. Our brains do not work like others so as you grow and heal you will find your own definition of normal. And right now, just because you are out of the environment doesn't mean all the feelings were left behind. Those are the things we can help with while you are working at finding a therapist or group. Many options for online help if you can do that too.

Glad you found us. Hope we can help.
 

Sues

Confident
Welcome, @badb This is a special place where you will find a lot of support and resources. It was very helpful to me many years ago (I took a very long break from here) and it's nice to be able to come back as well. I just wanted to say how brave and strong and inspiring you are to pack up and move and do what is best for you!

There are many therapy options online now. I hope you're able to find what you need. Therapy has helped me so much, I hope it can help you and guide you as well.
 

Still Standing

MyPTSD Pro
Hi badb!
You have found a great place to be, even without a pandemic going on. There are so many, here, who can relate to your confusion as to what "normal" is. Having had a childhood into adulthood of abuse from my parents had me searching for a safe place to live and finding surrogate parents figures to care for me in my younger years, too. It is a journey of learning what and who are safe, how to trust, how to even communicate and act in the general public. You are fortunate to have a therapist who can help you navigate this "new" world you are in. Having support and listening ears is a big help. You will find that here, too. Just remember that you are not so "damaged" that you cannot fit into the world around you. You are, in a sense, starting your life all over. You get to choose and learn what is right for you, now. And your therapist will help you with tools in which to use in moments of emotional turmoil that do hit and threaten to over take, at times. There is tons of information here to use and lots of personal stories and questions to read and consider. It is a place to share, ask questions, receive encouragement and to extend the same to others. Glad you found us.
 
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