LIVING is too painful

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I feel a heavy rock on my chest. Constantly. I’ve had anxiety my whole life but this is worse.

My employer/doctor/father figure just suddenly died.
I wasn’t doing well before this happened but now??? I just can’t.

Totally stopped eating. Brain is mush. Each morning I wake up makes me feel so indescribably sad.

I don’t know that there’s a way out of this shitty hole that’s called my “life”.

May partially be depression talking but if you k re my life you’d agree… silently and on your head.

Damn!!!!!
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of someone you love. I felt the same way as you shared when my son committed suicide last year. Nothing made sense and I questioned every breath I took and how damned unfair life can be at times.

It's not like we've had an easy life to begin with or we wouldn't be here on this forum. I see you've been a member for a long time. Hope you have some old friends here who remember you. If not, now is a good time to make new friends. So many of us here understand how you feel and just not wanting to do this anymore. But somehow we do. One minute at a time some days.

It doesn't stay hopeless and horrible forever. Glad you shared. Let us know how you are doing and feeling. We are here to listen and let you know you aren't alone.
 

Renly

Confident
I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with Ladee…no matter how things feel right now, the bad emotions won’t last forever. Hang in there. It’s okay to grieve and normal to feel this way after such a tough loss.
 

Friday

Moderator
May partially be depression talking
Depression may rain or flood… but? Grief is an ocean.

There will come a time when thinking on this man fills you with joy, smiles, and laughter… lifting you up. Rather than thinking on him crushing you, filled with pain, rage, despair, heartbreak, loss.

That’s the promise of grief : getting through all the pain means you get them back at the end of it. What they meant to you, and who they were to you, how they felt to you, who you were with them; rather than the brutality of their loss overtaking all.

Grief is the most powerful thing I know.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Remarkable post @Friday , it really is. Thank you. I guess grief, and love.

So sorry for you @Smile . My heart goes out to you 😥, but I am glad from what you said he surely knew how well loved he was/ is.
 
I feel a heavy rock on my chest. Constantly. I’ve had anxiety my whole life but this is worse.

My employer/doctor/father figure just suddenly died.
I wasn’t doing well before this happened but now??? I just can’t.

Totally stopped eating. Brain is mush. Each morning I wake up makes me feel so indescribably sad.

I don’t know that there’s a way out of this shitty hole that’s called my “life”.

May partially be depression talking but if you k re my life you’d agree… silently and on your head.

Damn!!!!!

The recent bereavement has taken a toll on you. The various negative emotions you are experiencing are only natural. There's a lot going on in your life plus the ongoing culmination of problems leading up to this.

The un-resolved acknowledgement from your father relating to his sexual abuse haunts you. His passing left a void without closure, leaving you to continually re-live the past without resolve. You have written that you don't want to confront your father if there was an afterlife. Yet somehow there seems to be an unresolved desire to do just that.

When your father was alive, you never got the chance to confront him. Understandably. It will have been a confrontation that you will certainly have not wanted at the time. That is something that will always be on your mind and a cause of some personal conflict. There will never be that chance to confront, challenge and finally find peace. Your father still has a hold over your life and you are forever wanting to set yourself free.

The suicidal thoughts may come and go at different intervals. However. Those thoughts are always there, hidden away inside and always ready to reveal themselves when you are having those days when you feel depressed.

In one of your recent posts, you say that you didn't mean to mention any suicidal ideas/intentions. Yet they do appear to be very real and related to this ongoing, unresolved conflict with your father. Whatever path you follow in life, there will always be that shadow of your father by your side.

It's now time to look at how you are going to take some positive action in order to move forward with your life.

Although in your previous posts, you have mentioned more than one sexual abuser, it appears that your father is the foundation for your depression. Meeting your father again to vent out that anger will enable you to off-load that burden. Off-load that burden, you'll find yourself feeling better.

How do you do that? Focus your therapy around this conflict with your father. Although you are dealing with many issues in your life, it is your father that appears central to your problems. Depending on how much therapy you've received in the past, it's likely that you will have tried to discuss as much about your issues as possible. Rather the same way as you have written loads of stuff in your posts.

It's about finding a starting point and working from there in order to piece everything together and make sense of it all.

It's going back to the central point and working outwards.

Making unresolved issues with your father the basis of your therapy could provide a way for you to move forward towards dealing with your other issues.

How things are for you at present and the physical aspects of what you are describing in your latest post are the result of a combination of all your mixed emotions. This is the depression taking hold over you. Your recent bereavement was a father figure in your life and may have represented to you what having a true father in your life should have been. This will have been a great loss to you. The mourning of losing a genuine role model in your life will follow on with the grieving, feeling depressed and then thinking about your horrible experiences with your own father.

It's hard....Life can be cruel....

Confronting your father will always be a longing that you are unlikely to ever achieve. However....Confronting the effects and emotions sustained by the sexual abuse your father had inflicted will help you to psychologically gain strength, heal and move forward.
 
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