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Living with a monster - Did anybody else have a borderline mother?

Did anybody else have a borderline mother?

That shit is next level. She would go on these rampages, she became this monster that would yell and scream all night long.

She didn't leave the house very much, but when she did it was a nice relief but it never lasted long. She'd be gone for hours and I'd be in a state of panic waiting and wondering when she's come back. If I heard a car door close outside, or a car drove past the house, any noise really, I'd run to the front and look out the window to see if it was her. I was in constant anxiety not knowing when she would come home. Safety was never guaranteed.

This is something I've noticed has still stuck with me. Whenever I'm home alone, and someone in my house hold goes out and I'm not sure when they will be back, I go into a similar state of panic. It's not as intense as before and I'm not afraid, but if I hear the sound of cars I'll run to the front to see if they're home. It's strange to me.
I had a mother prone to daily rages, it was mostly in the morning before school which was a great way to start the day 🙄

It sounds like your body is still in fight or flight mode when you are waiting for someone to come back home.
Your mind remembers that this situation wasn't safe in the past, and waiting for somebody (your mother) to come home resulted in abuse and a need to protect yourself.

I have a great psychologist and she helped me this way-- you probably didn't have a mother that soothed you when you were upset, so what if you become that person for yourself?
Calmly remind yourself that the person you're waiting to arrive isn't going to hurt you, yes it happened in the past, and your brain is trying to protect you now like it tried to back then, but you don't need it now. Things are better 🙂
It can be that you picture yourself at the age this happened to you and imagine yourself hugging that girl and saying it's ok, you didn't deserve that but you are safe now. We don't have people that hurt us around now ❤️
Hi there. Yes, I did. She tried to murder my father with a huge knife, a fight to the death in horrific rages. This was often. The physical assaults to me. The nasty, just mean attitude towards me. BUT then, hello, such a charming well put together woman. So stylish, such an orderly home, so well decorated. So many friends in the neighborhood and community. So good with rescuing animals. If I was ill, I was taken care of. Which mother was it gonna be? The hateful, murderous, jealous envious witch in the movie Snow White? Or will it be Snow White herself?

She'd fly into these rages and threaten to divorce my dad and leave, and I'd wish so hard that would happen! Nope. It was just some kind of manipulative mind trick.

She is 89 now, and still just as manipulative, nasty, & expects to be served hand and foot. If she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it the way she wants it, everyone has got to know about. Like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, "off with their heads!"
Yes I had a borderline mother. And here I am on a PTSD forum. LOL.

And now I feel really, really guilty for typing this all here for anyone to read, feeling like something bad will probably happen as a result. Perhaps God is not happy with me saying these negative things about her, even on an anonymous site. None of it is easy really even after all these decades.