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Loneliness after a trauma anniversary

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Eliza

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Hi folks.

I wasn’t quite sure which room to put this in, so I went for general.

A few days ago, it was the anniversary of the terrorist attack I survived. We had a nice memorial event, and there were a few people who had survived other attacks there and I made some fantastic connections.

The problem is, I got home, and everyone I have tried to tell about these events has looked utterly horrified and then changed the subject at the first given moment. And it’s not like I’ve gone particularly emotional about it - in fact, some of the things were relatively nice anecdotes. But my friends seem to want to change the subject at the first possible moment.

I don’t want to force the subject on them, as it’s not like this is a counselling session. But I just kind of find it sad that I can’t even talk about the nice parts of the anniversary event without my friends looking at me like I’m about to burst out crying (which I’m not).

Does anyone else find this? And if so, is there a better way to approach it? Because I currently feel like I’m about to explode from having to keep everything about the attack and the anniversaries inside!
 
We had a nice memorial event, and there were a few people who had survived other attacks there and I made some fantastic connections.
You might find it really rewarding to cultivate these relationships.

The truth is - people are often uncomfortable hearing about trauma. They don't want to say something wrong, they don't know what to say, they feel responsible for somehow being helpful...whether you're looking for help, or not.

Does anyone else find this? And if so, is there a better way to approach it? Because I currently feel like I’m about to explode from having to keep everything about the attack and the anniversaries inside!
It can help to give friends some framework - letting them know what you'd like from them. Often, we want an interested listener, or we want to share these parts of ourselves with people we care about. Telling them, "I know this can be upsetting to hear about, but I'd like you to know upfront that I'm OK - I want to share this story with you because you're my friend, not because I need or want help."

Something along those lines.

I've found that people will relax if they know that you're in an OK place, and that you're not asking for support - just some listening and validation.
 
You might find it really rewarding to cultivate these relationships.

The truth is - people are often uncomfortable hearing about trauma. They don't want to say something wrong, they don't know what to say, they feel responsible for somehow being helpful...whether you're looking for help, or not.


It can help to give friends some framework - letting them know what you'd like from them. Often, we want an interested listener, or we want to share these parts of ourselves with people we care about. Telling them, "I know this can be upsetting to hear about, but I'd like you to know upfront that I'm OK - I want to share this story with you because you're my friend, not because I need or want help."

Something along those lines.

I've found that people will relax if they know that you're in an OK place, and that you're not asking for support - just some listening and validation.

I think you’re right. I think because I was so heavily traumatised for a long time (and I still am for an extent), and they saw me go through a lot of that, they probably thought like I might still be on the edge! I’m genuinely in a good place at the moment, but I suppose they didn’t know that, and probably didn’t want to ruin a good evening by having me potentially having a panic attack/bursting into tears. I probably should have told them it’s all good at the moment, and that it’s nice to talk about it, but I didnt’t think to do that, which I guess is totally my bad! Thank you for putting it that way!

I think I will take your advice forwards & hopefully be able to talk about it in future with that framework, because I really wanted to share the good points of the anniversary with them, but didn’t feel like I could because every time I mentioned it, they swiftly changed the subject, which kind of felt like a snub, but also was probably their way of not wanting to ruin a night with my trauma, which I guess is understandable!
 
I probably should have told them it’s all good at the moment, and that it’s nice to talk about it, but I didnt’t think to do that, which I guess is totally my bad! Thank you for putting it that way!
Happy to help - and don't get down on yourself about it. Really, this is something I think a lot of us have to remember to do. When there are people in your life who know you've struggled, but they haven't been there for every step of your recovery - they don't have a context for where you're at, now. And for us - letting ourselves talk about these things in a present-tense way? Is an important part of the bigger picture of recovery.

So, it'll be good for you, and for them. I really hope you do try again. And also, it's great to read your story about the memorial - I know this has been a long and difficult journey for you, it's nice to catch up with how you're doing.
 
Happy to help - and don't get down on yourself about it. Really, this is something I think a lot of us have to remember to do. When there are people in your life who know you've struggled, but they haven't been there for every step of your recovery - they don't have a context for where you're at, now. And for us - letting ourselves talk about these things in a present-tense way? Is an important part of the bigger picture of recovery.

So, it'll be good for you, and for them. I really hope you do try again. And also, it's great to read your story about the memorial - I know this has been a long and difficult journey for you, it's nice to catch up with how you're doing.
Thank you so much! Yes, it’s been the most long and difficult journey of my life, and I guess, whilst it’s a group of close friends who have known me since childhood, they haven’t seen me in my relatively recovered state since the attack. In fact, it’s probably the first time since the event that they’ve actually heard me talk about anything even closely related to it. Which is probably why they were a bit freaked out.

I will definitely try again though! I actually felt relatively good about it when I spoke to them (before the subject changes). I just kind of wanted to reinforce the good things in my head before the bad took over. And I don’t know whether I might have been being selfish and trying to bring it up too often, but I definitely got an awkward vibe if I brought it up.
 
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