Lonely and don’t know how else to exist.

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Hi All. Thanks for being here.
This is hard to say in words as I’m really good at silver linings and tying things up in bows. Sharing after a good cry and with a pizza in front of me…

I’m an observer who likes being an observer. I’ve been lucky and grateful in that I’ve been connected to peers since childhood. Very rare and I don’t take for granted.

However, since “I understand”, I’ve also neglected my own needs/desires, despite actually looking like I’m not.

I live in a great city, have two amazing cats, and do not connect with anyone outside of my remote job. When I do have an active in person job, I tend to over relate to coworkers because it’s my source.

I’ve gotten to the point of addressing more core wounds that I no longer want to project onto others.

I’ve been un-seen because of incapable (yet amazing & loving) people closest to me, and still learning how to remain in my body while also, giving up unhealthy forms of doing so (heavy drinking, watching tv with emotional characters).

I’ve also learned I am indeed an extreme empath who can get extreme paranoia / social anxiety just by being present.

I told myself for years I wasn’t lonely and a few month’s ago heard from a fellow enneagram 5 (a label that’s been super helpful) “sometimes the feeling we don’t feel has been driving the ship”.

I used to not understand when folks said they were people pleasers because I felt all fancy & independent. I’m now realizing we have more in common because I’m legit overwhelmed by the thought of being intimate with anyone, due to how foreign it is.

If this resonates with anyone, please let me know (if you feel comfortable). Please don’t offer any advice, because that’s a trigger in it self and just knowing I’m heard is enough. ❤️

Sending love 💕 to all my peers. We are in this together and I know that to be true, it’s been keeping me going since my “big T” 30 years ago.
 
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