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Relationship Long distance quasi-relationship I care for her deeply, love her, but also I'm in love (She has CPTSD) I will give some background about me

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Catontheroof

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Good morning from my country,

I'm a 32 y.o. man from a Latin American country. Last March I met online a girl (28 y.o) from an European country that is studying in Germany. I met her on a language exchange webpage, and I decided to message her because her profile seemed to be different (describing herself as overthinker, and just the way she wrote was very original) and of course she was very cute. I flirted with her, and she flirted back. We decided to exchange numbers and speak on whatsapp. A couple of days later in semi-joke form I said it would be nice to make a Skype call, and she immediately accepted which made me very happy.
One Saturday noon in my country, two months ago (it seems already like an eternity) we made our first Skype call. That day I was completely free but I thought this call would not last more than a couple of hours. In fact, it last over 7. I was a bit surprised by how revealing, dressed up and sexy she looked. I thought it was a little awkward in a sense, but alright, I did not have anything against it. For the first hour the chat was you know, completely formal. I asked the most respectful questions in a good way, serious way,that borders with boredome (like police officer questions I like to say). She was looking at me in a provocative, flirting way every once in a while, it was cute. After the first hour or so we opened further, the conversation became truly interesting and also funny, she speaks seven languages and she is really, a smart and creative woman. I had never met in my life someone that encompassed so many elements that I liked. Our understanding so many different aspects was just out of this world. She could describe a feeling, emotion, situation and I could relate. Same happened to her. After many hours of speaking she began turning increasingly into sexual topics, I went along with it. At one point we had a difference and I thought it was no big deal, but it turned out to be into sort of an issue, she was angry that my previous experiences regarding that had not been pleasant. I thought "ok, if she is disgusted I might as well leave" but when I said that it had been a pleasure to speak with her, she had a sudden reaction of not wanting me to leave, she was sad about it. So ok, I stayed. I did not stay only because she told me not to leave, but because I genuinely liked her and had enjoyed a lot talking with her that day.

She studies and holds two jobs, so we did not talk for a few days. Then, we began speaking almost every day. Video calls, audio calls of long duration. She began telling me and showing mer her inner world, she was not stingy with showing me her history of trauma (abused in childhood by someone close, and many other things, problems with relationships and a very cold marriage) she expessed her happiness about finding someone like me, because her environment has most often been that of people with high IQ but poor EQ, and that she wanted her life to be more humanistic oriented, we genuinely laughed when we spoke, it was pretty. And also intimacy began happening. And it might sound absurd, or just plain dumb to many people that do not consider long distance relations to be real at all, but this felt more alive than my experiences in person, completely different to self stimulation as well. It was brilliant. I also told her that I wanted this summer to visit the city where I studied in the past, which is very close to hers. She became joyful, she started saying that I should go and visit her. Days later it had become more about our meeting, than me going to the city where I studied. A few days later it had become almost exclusively about going to her, and just a couple of days to the city where I studied. She told me I would stay at her place, and we would do many things together. I was ecstasic about this.
Then one day, I decided just to practice some exercises that she would not need constant reassurance, I asked her if she wanted to practice this and she told me that it was great to get rid of reassurance. It went well for a while but then.... By our second audio conversation of the day somewhere, somewhen there was a trigger and she started having a panic attack. The fact that I could not see her in that moment, because we were only doing audio and not video led to further misunderstanding, I had to move a session I had scheduled with a student for 15 minutes later, I did not realise the extent of the trigger she was experiencing, I was not taking things personally, until one moment I could not handle it anymore and I told her "you are right, everything is over and I'm not going to you" she had a big crisis that night. She told me she was feeling better but actually she had to rely emotionally on her ex that night.

Next day on I began learning about CPTSD and talking to people that have experienced it. I spoke with her, and we agreed on being friends but she wanted the intimacy part. Then we resumed talking for about three hours daily if not more, some days with intimacy. She began persistingly asking me if I would go to her, that she wanted to understand why I would not. I told her that maybe in the future. I thought this was for the best as it would allow me to get to know better how not to make her suffer, and not suffer on my own, and also because if there is one thing that I have seen in her life, and maybe I miscalculated is the pressure she has in her.
After some few days she stopped mentioning that I should go. She would just mention that she loved me because I love her for what she is, but that because of that panic attack she had put an end to those feelings of being in love with me. That she felt guilty about it, but that is her behavior. Then I learnt that this can happen with CPTSD. I tried to be selfless and understand her, and say that was perfectly ok.
Nevertheless, she is experiencing loneliness and some weeks ago once again said that if I was there all her problems would be over. I told her I would go in August, but she said she no longer believed anything. That if I go good, we will see, but that is about it.

Some days she tells me if I have bought the ticket already, or if I am truly going on. I said I have not bought it but I'm going. But well... she told me she would not meet new people, but that this did not exclude dating people she knows from the past. Two weeks ago she met in her apartment a guy she has known over two years, That day they spent the evening together, and I felt affected by this. I tried telling her that it was better for us two to just be friends. But she said that nothing had happened and she did not want to lose.

Two weeks more passed of everything normal... Then on Friday she told me that this guy would return to her home. That is when I said, ok so from now on is better that we just remain friends and don't talk so often, there was drama and crying and she told me "had you told me you were coming here, were you already here I would not meet anyone" Anyway, we were not dating but I felt horribly about this, I stayed talking with her two hours until she went to sleep. During last Saturday we did not speak, but I did see her online well into the night, and also on the social network I had met her, which I found particularly weird. If she was with this guy why would she be there on this site? On Sunday the same. I imagined things, and told her "if you want to delete me from your life you can do it" to which she replied that she of course did not want, and that she wanted to speak on Skype. We spoke there, and she told me that this guy had been at her place, that he is very rich, intelligent, but that he is weird, and has some weird obsession with her. That they went to dine out, and they later returned to her home, it was very late so they stayed to sleep together. But that they did not have sex. That she had every right to have it because she is not in a relationship with anyone, but that he didn't commence anything. And that the reason she was on that social network is because he wanted to see from her perspective that account, and that she did not allow him to see our conversations. This video conversation lasted 4 hours. I told her that I did not believe her, but then she told me that if she wanted to lie about these things to me, she could perfectly lie completely and not half way. I don't know what to make of that.

Yesterday I asked her, that if I really went to her in August, if she would not date anyone. She was not able to say anything in that moment. So I guess that simply is the best confirmation that she doesn't want a thing. She was asking me: Do you really want me to decide on that on a Tuesday evening? we spoke once again about that Wednesday and she said in general she never recovered from it completely. She told me she is happy but miserable at the same time, I asked her: Is the foundation misery or happiness? she told me she is the former and that she has not felt this bad mentally in many years. I offered to pay her therapy, she said she could not accept this from me.

So please tell me what should I do?

The thing about manipulation is that many times it comes on an unconscious level. I know she has opened her world in a huge way with me, and she has trusted me. That I have sort of a friend role for her and that she is better when she talks to me. But she also wants intimacy with me, and right after that everything becomes twisted. This is manipulation I know. At the same time she tells me that I should leave her completely if I think it is no good for me.

People with experience, please tell me what is the best? should I cut completely with her? should I just simply begin turning off any romantic notions towards her and be there for her in another way?


Now for a bit of background about myself:

My psychological present is good. But the past had its sheer amount of trouble. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and he was completely absent from my life thereafter. My mom is an incredible human being and she simply decided to dedicate herself entirely to me. Last boyfriend she had was when I was around 9. And during that time of my childhood she only had two, and they were nice people. The trouble is that for big periods I did not only lived with her, but I also lived with my grand parents. My grand pa, an Urologist, was an amazing man, he truly loved me and so I did him. He was for me like my father, and I don't exaggerate when I say that I loved him as much as my mom. Problem lies in that his relationship to my grand mother was that of co-dependency or he simply made himself blind all his life. My grand mother's past had some turbulent episodes dating back even from early childhood. Her family were displaced due to the inner conflict of my country that was happening around those times (1930's) she later studied at with nuns, and whenever she spoke about them, she did with complete hatred. She was a believer of Virgin Mary, the Holy Trinity, but she detested going to a church, and completely abhorred ritualistic notions. She was very smart, but let's say that she more or less was very different to my grand father and he never stood his ground. They (grand parents, mom and aunt) moved to the US during the 1950's, were he finished his studies and had a very promising future ahead, but she threatened to leave if he didn't come back to my country (she never adapated there) so they came back. Then, he had good opportunities here, but she made him quarrel with many doctors of the society, and instead he kept a job position that while good, was below him (at one time he had been business partner to the founder of one of our most important hospitals). Her idea of friend circle was very different (traders, non-intellectuals) They had a third daugther here, and from what I have been told by my mom, childhood of them was not good. At some point my grand mother became alcoholic, she also had other behaviors like telling them that my grand pa had hit her, so she would lie to it through the art of make up, one day my aunt's and mom's cat disappeared from home (my grand mother later revealed that she payed a guy to take the cat out of this city, to the mountain) She was also very possessive and did not want my mom nor aunts to enjoy their teenage life (by calling them horrible adjectives and trying to control to the biggest extent)

As grand mother, she with me was peculiar. One day I would see her happy and generous (let's go for an ice cream and later to a film) the next day she wouldn't open the curtain of their room, she had my grand pa serve her food and bring it to bed, another day she would speak cruel and nasty things about others on the phone, and yet another she would play victim of life. And of course, when she was drunk she passed through many behaviors (generous and affectionate, sentimental, offensive, etc). In a direct way, what I badly received from her was constant attacks on my mom. I felt weird about this.... my mother was the black sheep of the family. Whatever went wrong, it was my mom's fault. I learnt to adapt to criticise my mom when I was with my grand mother, and if we were all present I would even act a bit in a betraying way to my mom, grand ma, she only liked receiving constant praise from me. I was her favorite grand son and she would not mind belittling my cousin (despite the fact that he is smart and in general never did anything wrong). There were constant fights between my mom and my grand mother. My grand pa loved both, but by this time he was 80+ and he could not do much. You could see the sadness in face, you could see the lack of hope and that he had surrendered to the ill of time.

When I was doing my college studies we simply moved away from living with them. I would still visit them every day (not during weekend), but my mother cut contact with him for about three years. This was around 2007, and by then my grand mother had become distant and increasingly incoherent day by day. Also, it was peculiar for me to see how my grand father had a transformation with me over the week. On Monday he would be cold and distant, by Friday he was a bleeding heart with me, next Monday... rinse and repeat...
With him we would speak about intellectual things, personal, and also enjoy watching football together a lot.

It was 2010 and I had decided I did not want to continue living here in my country. I was 21 years old and I knew that there was a part of me that wanted independence, a wilder and truly extroverted part that wanted to consume the world, to party, to experience what was out there. Also, I had this extreme and weird fascination with the center of Europe so I decided to continue my studies there. I did all the admission process, did my TOEFL exam, everything that was demanded. My grand parents and extended family did not known. They could not known. In this I agreed with my mother. We perfectly knew that if my grand mother knew about my plans, she would even go in person to the Embassy of this country and say the worst things possible, all just in order to not let me go. My idea was to reveal plans to them just 4 weeks before leaving, when everything was set up and I had my visa with me. I knew it would be a very emotional moment with my grand father, but this was the only way. What I did not know is that by these days of August he would end up hospitalised because of a terrible kidney infection, and that it was discovered he had a problem in a vein, that in any moment this could "burst" and he would die. They offered him surgery, but he said he was already 86 and did not want this. Weeks before his hospitalisation, I had gone with my grand parents and aunt's families (my mom the Black Sheep was not included) to the tropic. We have had short holidays, and during that time I saw her increasingly erratic. Also, there was this weird and crazy thing that one night there in the hotel I met a nice woman and was really into her, and we spent sometime talking, dancing and bowling, and when I returned to my room (that I was sharing with my grand parents) my grand pa was in panic telling me that my grand mother could not know in any way!

Ok, so well I revealed my plans while he was hospitalised. We both cried, and I told him I would be fine. He said he was proud about me and that everything would be good. Meanwhile my grand mother felt this had been a complete betrayal and said she would never ever forgive me. The day I left to Europe, both of my grand parents were completely cold, it was a miserable farewell. Especially when I remark that this was the last time I saw him in person. After I arrived to this European city to study and live, my grand pa spoke with me sometimes on Skype. He was back again to his emotional loving way. Last time I spoke with him, Christma's Eve, he died the very next day of a heart attack. I had this feeling for ages that I wish I could have spoken to him one last time and tell him so much more.

Life in this city was good, interpersonal relations were great, and except for falling in love with a theater actress that later cast me away (according to her for my own good because she had depression and was bipolar) all was good. Three months later in March 2011, I got sick out of nowhere of my kidneys. Started with a cold, and upon going to the doctor it was revealed I had complete kidney failure. I was hospitalised there for 6 days, and then when I was stable I came back to my country to continue treatment. All my European dreams, all my studies and life, shattered in one week! Then it comes my own history of trauma: Here during hospitalisation in a clinic, they lied about my diagnosis, they said I was recovering, they released me to go home after being hospitalised for 11 days! I spent two weeks at home feeling worse, and worse and worse. Until we went to another clinic and a doctor that reminded me of my grand pa decided to start hemodialysis immediately. Overall I spent almost 5 months on Hemo and 8 years on Peritoneal. At that point the alcoholism and madness of my grand mother had become worse, so we moved to be with her. What can I say? the first year and a half were a living nightmare. We would serve her lunch, take her to the room and then she would speak with someone on the phone and say (they haven't given me food in two days) moreover, my aunts did not want to hospitalise her at a psychiatric ward. Finally my mother took that decission by herself in December of 2012. She was diagnosed with Korsakov Dementia syndrome of late stage, and according to psychiatrists and many exams performed, she had over her life many other conditions most importantly narcissism and BPD.

After her diagnosis and drugs started, things began changing for good. We hired nurses for her and living became much better. All changes when you stop seeing someone from evil, as simply someone that has very heavy problems. Nevertheless, that first year and a half along with the kidney failure took a toll on my psyche, I had a very persistent and horrible OCD for over two years. I went for a short time period to therapy, and then started meditating. I'm glad that I was able to overcome it. I had fallen into a furnace of doubt where I could not escape my intellectual questioning about life itself. Finally it vanished. In 2019 I received my transplant, and ever since I have been fine :)
 
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Just because she is the one with PTSD does not mean she gets to act anyway she wants. She is still responsible for her behavior. She is gaslighting you and manipulating you. If you don’t immediately do what she wants, she runs to another man and tells you about it and blames you.

Give me a break.

it would allow me to get to know better how not to make her suffer,

You are NOT making her sufferer. If she is suffering, she’s doing it to herself. Not agreeing with her every demand is not abuse. Having valid feelings and reacting a is not abuse. You are not responsible for her mental health.

You need boundaries with her, because she is steamrolling you long-distance. Just think what she’d do in person.

I get it. I’ve been with my sufferer a decade. They lash out, they project, and they can make you feel like all their issues are because you’re toxic. Just because they say it does not mean it’s true. Just because it’s happening in your head does not mean it is reality. If you are not toxic or crazy, don’t let her make you THINK you’re toxic and crazy.

Boundaries are needed. You need hard, enforced boundaries if your partner has mental health issues.
 
Just re-read what @Sweetpea76 said, for “my” response. x10. Or as often as needed. Seriously. No way to say it better.

IMO?

Go to Deutscheland. Have fun.
Don’t go to Deutscheland. Have fun.

Either way? Speaking as someone who has PTSD, & loves those with PTSD, do. not. take. shit. Don’t be told what your motives “really” are, when you know that’s not what they are, at all. Be incrediably strong in who you are, what you are doing, & why.

It can be called having boundaries. Not taking shit. Having a spine. Having self respect. Having a burst of patience. Not co-signing bullshit. Fuerte/ el ñeque/ valíente. Strength. Courage. Bravery. Not accepting the blame for evils others do. Whatever you want to call it? When you’re dealing with someone who mixes up times & people? Who is living in 2 or more different times at the same time? It helps absolutely no one to agree with them that you’re not you, doing what you do for your own reasons, but actually someone else, from another time and another place. (By apologizing, bending over backwards to make things better, accepting responsibility for how they feel -as if you set out to hurt them- or are reacting to the present as if it’s the past, etc.).
 
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Thank you. What I try to mean, is that time she was indeed very enthusiastic that I would go there, and then in a sudden evening instead of saying let's talk, I simply said let's end everything. I know that for someone with CPTSD that can hurt a lot.

But I also know that then she found a way to steamroll me which is to make me feel jealous. Until that day, I had been feeling fine.

Do you think that many things of what she says are lies?

Just re-read what @Sweetpea76 said, for “my” response. x10. Or as often as needed. Seriously. No way to say it better.

IMO?

Go to Deutscheland. Have fun.
Don’t go to Deutscheland. Have fun.

Either way? Speaking as someone who has PTSD, & loves those with PTSD, do. not. take. shit. Don’t be told what your motives “really” are, when you know that’s not what they are, at all. Be incrediably strong in who you are, what you are doing, & why.

It can be called having boundaries. Not taking shit. Having a spine. Having self respect. Having a burst of patience. Not co-signing bullshit. Fuerte/ el ñeque/ valíente. Strength. Courage. Bravery. Not accepting the blame for evils others do. Whatever you want to call it? When you’re dealing with someone who mixes up times & people? Who is living in 2 or more different times at the same time? It helps absolutely no one to agree with them that you’re not you, doing what you do for your own reasons, but actually someone else, from another time and another place.
Thank you. I know it is a complex situation, and it makes it more complex the moment that being compassionate is seen as a way to enter and manipulate. I love these answers and I think is a good way to set myself boundaries, not start falling.
 
First off - you are a wonderful writer! You seem to have a strong sense of the situation, and I believe you know well what's happening here. The other answers are spot on.

She is using you. It's fairly clear from what you've said. This stuck out to me:

I had never met in my life someone that encompassed so many elements that I liked.

Did you know that this is classic narcissism and love bombing? Google it. She made herself into what she sensed you wanted and needed. And once she got you on the hook, she did whatever the hell she felt like doing (including cheating, it appears). Only when you moved to get away did she revert to asking you to stay and not leave her, guilted you into feeling that YOU are hurting HER.

You sound like an amazing person, and I'm certain this is hard - but I wouldn't go there in August. And honestly, I'd cut it off now and move on (easier said than done, I know, but at least you have the advantage of distance between you).

Even if she DOES have PTSD (and, really, who knows in this situation), she cannot use that as an excuse to be a shitty person. You can do better.
 
You are not making her sicker.

You are not in charge of managing her mental health by what you do or do not do.

I had to move a session I had scheduled with a student for 15 minutes later,

That is not OK. She is interfering in your livelihood.

I could not handle it anymore and I told her "you are right, everything is over and I'm not going to you" she had a big crisis that night.

That was probably after an exhausting conversation where her response to that trigger was “all your fault” and you dropped everything, including moving the session with your student.

Boundaries - I will not feel guilt or responsibility for your mental health.

I will not sacrifice my professional or academic career for your meltdown.

I will not be in a relationship where there is not mutual fidelity (just as an aside, picture her response if you sought comfort with an ex, or let another woman stay over with you).
 
First off - you are a wonderful writer! You seem to have a strong sense of the situation, and I believe you know well what's happening here. The other answers are spot on.

She is using you. It's fairly clear from what you've said. This stuck out to me:



Did you know that this is classic narcissism and love bombing? Google it. She made herself into what she sensed you wanted and needed. And once she got you on the hook, she did whatever the hell she felt like doing (including cheating, it appears). Only when you moved to get away did she revert to asking you to stay and not leave her, guilted you into feeling that YOU are hurting HER.

You sound like an amazing person, and I'm certain this is hard - but I wouldn't go there in August. And honestly, I'd cut it off now and move on (easier said than done, I know, but at least you have the advantage of distance between you).

Even if she DOES have PTSD (and, really, who knows in this situation), she cannot use that as an excuse to be a shitty person. You can do better.
It definitely sounds better on paper than done. I mean, it is not really like she molded herself as how I wanted her to be. When I say that we understand each other, I meant that even from the beginning, what she spoke regarding existence and her own mental angsts, resonates with me from the past. We have different music tastes, she tells me that she does not like films (I love films) and she likes reading (I don't read that many novels) . I was not even asking her yesterday, but she told me that she feels bad because she has points in the narcissistic score, but does not qualify for NPD. At one point I also thought she might have BPD as well, but after reading much it seems like CPTSD can be vastly similar.

Today she was saying her behavior from last week was despicable, and that she has decided to stop doing this. That she misses the feeling of being loved and of loving that she had with her previous boyfriend last year (that one went to another country). She was also married for seven years and stays friends with her ex. Today she was telling me that she needs therapy because she is suffering. Regarding the trauma that night, I do think it was not correct from my part to create her the idea that I would go there soon to be with her and then simply cancel it in the first argument we had. That definitely was not good from my part.
I spoke three hours on video today with her. I took the attitude of "go to Deutschland have fun, don't go have fun" I told her that I was taking things in a more relaxed way, and that if we get to meet then cool, if we don't then I wish her a lot of happiness.

Thank you by the way for your compliment! I love writing... just that I don't read enough novels haha.
 
You are not making her sicker.

You are not in charge of managing her mental health by what you do or do not do.



That is not OK. She is interfering in your livelihood.



That was probably after an exhausting conversation where her response to that trigger was “all your fault” and you dropped everything, including moving the session with your student.

Boundaries - I will not feel guilt or responsibility for your mental health.

I will not sacrifice my professional or academic career for your meltdown.

I will not be in a relationship where there is not mutual fidelity (just as an aside, picture her response if you sought comfort with an ex, or let another woman stay over with you).
I agree in all points. But she was not blaming me for all. From one of our first conversations she told me that she CPTSD, and that it could be very problematic and that if I was willing to take the risk on that. That day was going well, we spoke until late and she began having this panic attack, while I'm not responsible for that, I am for jumping from the boat the first misunderstanding we had.

I think it is also very important to set boundaries. Two persons in darkness can't help each other. So if one drags the other to that underworld then everything was just negative.

I hold no illusions over her. And there are indeed certain aspects that have happened (manipulation) But I also from my heart, know that she says many truths. This is the second day in a row that she tells me she needs therapy.
 
Two persons in darkness can't help each other. So if one drags the other to that underworld then everything was just negative.
This is exactly right, and a very useful thing for ALL relationships - but especially important when there's mental illness involved. There's a lot of awareness needed, on both sides. I think that taking things slow, seeing how they evolve, is a really great way to proceed.
 
Good evening from my country!
From what I said last time, do you think she really cheated? right I know, it is very difficult to believe that she would sleep with someone in the same bed and not have sex. She insists, and insists that she did not.

Two days ago I decided to take a more relaxed approach of, "do what is healthiest for you, if we meet and coincide in life, cool"

After that, yesterday she told me that her life was a mess because of suppressing the emotional part. And that she wanted once again to try with me to permit herself this emotional part.

Today all went ok, but at some moment she said something like "You won't like this, at some point I will have to meet with him in person to tell him I'm not interested". Am I reading too much into this? or is this some sort of warning already of what might happen?
 
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