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Looking for help, afraid i won't talk to doctor - chronic medical problem from sexual assault

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by littleoc, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    Hey there... this is a post I've been working on posting since... 2011. I remember because I was 16 and I was so frustrated that I was worried about THIS so much that I couldn't even learn how to drive. Made an account in 2014. Still haven't asked this question. Not even anonymously.


    I am finally writing this because I am having serious medical problems and I don't know if it's related to this or not...? And I go mute when trying to tell doctors. I have not been treated for this.

    I don't think all my symptoms are related to this but I can't talk about them anyway because they are "of that area" and I'm filled with shame and terror. The only person who knows is my ex. And I really, really regret that. It is not something I would normally have shared with her.

    Um... Background:

    • "Kidnapped" (therapist says so) at age 10. Raped for a year.
    • Having a very, very hard time describing where. But, where I couldn't be impregnated. Is that good enough for others to understand?
    • Hemorrhoids?

    I have severe problems going to the bathroom but it is no longer flashback inducing unless I have pain.

    Well, for the past two years or so? Lots and lots of pain, all the time. I ignored it.

    Started getting worse and worse. Assumed it would heal.

    Also, most my problems weren't diagnosable in the past so I'm not wanting to go get checked out because I will be distressed for nothing, or they will say none of the big stuff is wrong with me after expensive tests -- i already have high medical bills.

    It's getting so bad lately, though, that eating wasn't possible for a week recently and now that I am able to again, it hurts. Badly. And isn't right in any way, but I don't know how to get myself to tell the doctor.

    I know that can't be related to the kidnapping thing entirely but am still afraid to voice it.

    It's also upsetting to me that I'm not strong enough to just get over it. Every stab of pain frightens me so much.

    If you have been assaulted.... there (not oral or vaginal) can you tell me how long symptoms are supposed to last?

    I know on some level it's healed physically by now. I may not even be that scarred? But it's bothering me so much.

    I am very sorry if I have a hard time responding but I appreciate any input very much
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  3. Finchlet2

    Finchlet2 Active Member

    I am crying so much reading your post because I understand what it's like to sustain prolonged damage in a captive position and then years later be suffering such a confusing mixture of phhycological trauma and physical long term and in my case permanent injuries. The line where one starts and the other ends? And the conundrum that is currently interrupting my daily life as I feel like my lungs are constantly filling with that water filled with my own blood. They just keep throwing antidepressants at me. Some things gotta give. I wish I could offer you advice as to what's average physical healing time there specifically but I really haven't had the courage to ask anyone either. I really hope you find your answers I just wanted to let you know your not alone feeling like this. It's shit.
    Lionheart777, ladee, Freida and 4 others like this.
  4. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated



    Thank you for speaking up. It's nice to not be alone, in a way, though i wish it happened to no one
    ladee, Freida, Swift and 3 others like this.
  5. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    Oh man this is a post I needed to read.

    I -soooooo- get you on all of this. And I -soooooo- feel you on all of this.

    If it bothers you that it might be related to your trauma, realize this - it doesn't even matter if it was, in that, you are perfectly -valid- in feeling triggered for having any body part examined, especially one that has had direct sexual assault happen to it.

    I hope you are okay with me saying this but: I would not be surprised if it was related to your trauma. My problems with that body part are. Never had any issues with it, until after horrible things were done to it.

    I had to also deal with objects (in addition to body parts) going in there that were FAR too big, so, maybe that has something to do with it.

    He liked seeing the pain.

    Once that body part gets uhh... injured the right way, it kind of makes it more prone to injury and hurty things in the future, IMO.
    It's been longer for you than it has for me, though.
    But, I have "healed up" since the end of my trauma, and had problems come back up.
    I think we just have to be extra careful about that body part, e.g. never -forcing- anything out of it, only -very- gently pushing at the most.
    I know it's hard as hell to talk to a doc about this sort of stuff. Would you be able to have it written down on a piece of paper, beforehand, and hand it to them, maybe?

    It's perfectly okay, that you're feeling this way about all of this. Perfectly okay. You are not weak for having difficulty with this. Having difficulty with this is -perfectly normal- especially if you've had horrible trauma happen to that body part. There are even people with no trauma, who have a hard time mentioning it, so, it's not like you're talking about your elbow, you know? Don't feel bad for having difficulty with it.

    I have barely even talked about this stuff on here so - wow! You are strong for being able to say all of that!
    Sietz, DharmaGirl, ladee and 7 others like this.
  6. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    ladee, Swift, littleoc and 2 others like this.
  7. Sideways

    Sideways I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Short term relief? Laxatives. So that you can eat without the terror of the pain.

    Then? Aim to see a doctor. Most likely? Is what you suspect it is, and piles are reeeeeally common (most people have them at some point), and so so treatable. A lot of people? Don’t get them treated, because even without the trauma history, a big chunk of the population is too embarrassed to speak to their doctor about the issue. They suffer in silence.

    The hard part? It potentially started as an issue from your trauma? May be completely unrelated. At your first consult? The doctor doesn’t need to know any of that to treat piles if that’s what it is.

    So, planning the appointment? My suggestion is to write it down. It’s hard to talk about (like, pretty much impossible). And since you don’t need to? Don’t. Make a short note: these are my symptoms, I think it’s...., but I have ptsd and can’t talk about this out loud. Doctors will actually be used to a patient presenting like that. Take someone with you if that will help.

    On a second peice of paper, just in case there’s any kind of question that the doctor needs to know, something super generic, like: I was abused as a child, and I can’t go into detail. Keep that second peice of paper handy, but it’s just back up. Most likely you won’t need it, but it basically answers any questions you’re not ready to handle.

    It’s okay. It’s scary, but it’s actually really common. It’s the level of distress which sets us trauma survivors apart. Stuff like this? Is so much more difficult for us to handle.

    One thing for sure? Is you can absolutely handle this. You’re at a point in your recovery where you’re ready. You’ve proved that by posting. 9 times out of 10 these types of appointments are so much more distressing in our minds than how they actually play out. Because doctors know that no one wants to have this conversation.

    Getting this sorted out is going to take away levels of distress that you probably aren’t even aware you’ve been carrying around. Because even when you’re confronted with food, it’s there in the back of your mind, right? And getting flashbacks in the loo? That’s how it was for me. Because yeah, I’ve been there too. And you know what, it was hard. But I got through it, and no question is my life better now that I’ve dealt with it.

    If you think you can’t handle this? You’re wrong. You’ve already survived far worse. Now? Is you taking care of yourself. This is you healing yourself. And you absolutely have that in you, and you deserve for this to not be an issue anymore.
    zombycat, DharmaGirl, ladee and 8 others like this.
  8. Sideways

    Sideways I'm a VIP Premium Member

    This is, unfortunately, true.

    The good news? Is that even people having healthy, consensual sex? Injure this area sometimes. The abuse details do not have to feature as part of the consult with a doctor to get the issue fixed.
    DharmaGirl, ladee, Freida and 3 others like this.
  9. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

    Maybe a week. Anything longer is serious injury or infection.

    If it makes you feel any better about talking with a doctor?

    1. Pregnancy can -and often does- cause both vaginal & anal prolapse (ie your insides fall out). Hemmoroids times a zillion. Giving birth & episiotomies often cause severe degree tearing where you literally split from vagina to rectum both externally and internally. >>> Point of this being? Super severe injuries are reeeeeeally common, and completely NOT trauma related. Meaning, when you see a doctor? They’ll have seen rape victims, and they’ll have seen people injured from consensual sex, and they’ll have seen a whooooooole lot of new moms (as well as older moms who couldn’t afford to be repaired until long after the kids were born). So it’s not a given that when you see a doctor that you’ll be wearing a neon sign that tells them what happened, and in no way whatsoever will you be unique.

    2. Rape crisis/advocacy/support groups usually have a short list of doctors who are used to -and very very good with- trauma victims.

    1+2= Common problem, seen to by doctors who get it.
    DharmaGirl, ladee, LuckiLee and 6 others like this.
  10. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    Guess I made it through serious injury or infection with no medical treatment then...
    ladee, Freida and littleoc like this.
  11. brokenEMT

    brokenEMT Well-Known Member

    do you know if your doctor is familiar with sensitively treating SA and/or ptsd patients? And if your doctor is not, can they refer you to a doctor who is?

    Once you have a doctor, could you write down generally that you experienced SA in an area of your body as a child, and are having pain when using the toilet?

    Just from a medical point of view, the SA wasn't "recent", so pain not related to body memory or known scarring is concerning. The fact that you significantly changed your diet to lessen the pain, is a red flag that it's time to not ignore the pain (easier said than done).

    And you are strong. Having difficulty bringing all this up doesn't make you weak.

    DharmaGirl, ladee, Freida and 4 others like this.
  12. bellbird

    bellbird Active Member Donated

    Oh @littleoc you never cease to amaze me with your courage.
    I definitely suggest writing it down if you are afraid you will go mute. That way you can write it before the appointment in a safe space and take the time you need to get the words on paper. I've done that before with things I couldn't say.
    Sending gentle hugs:hug:
    Sietz, DharmaGirl, ladee and 6 others like this.
  13. Still Standing

    Still Standing I'm a VIP

    Hey, littleoc, I know this is very hard and upsetting for you because it involves such intense emotional responses. But....I have a suggestion for you when you do decide it is time to have your problem investigated. Forgive me if it sounds too stupid. I would print off your initial post, from here, and take it with you to the doc appt....any type of note that would explain the reason for your concern. Let her/him read it. Better yet, if it was me, I would make an appt and then inform the office that you are going to send a note to the physician so that it can be read before you are seen. I would even go another step further. I would ask my psych doc if he would be willing to contact the doc, giving him permission to explain my PTSD and fear of being examined, in support of me. This way, I would not have to talk more than needed at the visit. Regardless, it will still be hard, I know. But, IF your symptoms are more than somatic in nature, you really need to be checked out. You should not be hurting so badly. But, if you have scar tissue, it can tighten and cause all kinds of pain. My last abdominal surgery was in '96 and I now have bouts of terrible pain because the scar tissue inside gets inflamed and tightens, too. Don't let your fear and denial prevent you from getting the care you need.
    ladee, LuckiLee, Freida and 2 others like this.
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