Childhood Looking for opinions, brainstorming

So basically I will give a background of my experiences. I am very traumatized, severe trust issues and cpstd from a childhood of being misunderstood and punished for what could have possibly been a learning disability or symptoms from abuse that were punished with more abuse. My grandma died when i was in grade 1 and i did not ever get talked to about it, she died and i was lost, school locked me in seclusion rooms for afternoons on end and parents and the school throughout elementary through high school "teamed up" against me to solve the issues they didn't realize they caused. I say teamed in quotes because obviously it was a vicious circle that neither side was aware of.

Now more recently I have become aware of some vague, abstract, possibly fragmented memory of sexual abuse. I remember another student in my kindergarten class stripping for the whole class which was absolutely ridiculous and disturbing, but i cannot remember if that was teacher approved or if she was abused herself and just did that when the teacher left the room. We all sat in a circle and sometimes she would do that. That never occured to be as abuse but ive recently become more aware of ANY sexual thing for children being traumatizing.

THAT being said thats a side note, the real concern for me is the vague memories of perhaps my mother touching me and a vague memory of her telling me to suck her nipple because "i used to do it" I must have been like 10 or something. I cant even remember if that memory is real and i have been gaslighting myself.

but there is more, I am in my late 20s so I am a early 90s baby, around 2008 or so everyone my age had "MSN messenger" and basically the entire neighbourhood would be on that, kids of all age groups on this chat and in group chats instant messaging. I was always a person on there that would try to be friendly and encouraging and I cannot remember but at some point I was persuaded to show my penis online to a person who did not have a cam on. There were moments where another kid my age would be on the camera and i view that as normal still because you can imagine kids in playgrounds "ill show you mine if you show me yours" throughout the years being a normal thing happening. but the thought of the camless people being adult has recently haunted me. Not only that, but i continued to do this until I was 19 years old because I simply did not know better.

When i was 15 or 16 a group of my friends were talking on messenger to this girl from another city and she showed them her "tits" and I felt left out, so naturally (at the time) I figured I would "show her mine if she showed me hers" so basically we were on cam (both cams on) and she was not showing me while we were chatting so I decided I would put my hand in my pants and see if that enticed her. It was at this time that she went offline and one of my friends messaged me asking me if it sucks that she blocked me, clearly triangulating me and now embarassing and shaming me. I have been traumatized by that and even if the friend was my age I view him as a co-molester for doing that but also i have become paranoid in everyday life because the reach this old friend group has in my life is still pervasive enough that I have pushed away from all relationship potential and friendships explode due to my lack of trust.

That combined with the camless people and vague memories of earlier that may have possibly led to the cam thing has come to my attention during the past year or so. I still know this guy over 10 years later and he is a complete douche bag. I am wondering now how wide ranging this abuse is as in the 2000s the internet was probably a gold mine for predators and nobody really knew what was going on. I am also looking for validation or acceptance that this guy, even though he was my age, molested me online. I can get over the camless people somewhat, shove it down a bit, but i cannot get over this idiot joining my video game lobbies and invading my privacy on a semi regular basis.

Please let me know what you think I really appreciate any ideas.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I am also looking for validation or acceptance that this guy, even though he was my age, molested me online.
From someone who has been molested for real? Don't do that.

Get a therapist- much of childhood in the digital age can be very distressing, and disturbing particular with the benefit of hindsight. Get a therapist to help you with that.
 
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whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
From someone who has been molested for real?
This sounds really disregarding of the OP to me.

@ConfusedandQuestioni - Sorry you are struggling with this. I agree with @Sideways that it would be beneficial for you to seek out a therapist. Have you ever seen anyone to help with the abuse you suffered as a child? Sometimes, when we deal with difficulties and traumas when we are young, it's harder to cope as we get older.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
It was at this time that she went offline and one of my friends messaged me asking me if it sucks that she blocked me, clearly triangulating me and now embarassing and shaming me. I have been traumatized by that and even if the friend was my age I view him as a co-molester for doing that
I am having a hard time reading how anyone in this particular event molested you. I can see how it would have been a very upsetting experience, and clearly it has stuck with you and is affecting you in your everyday life.

I am also looking for validation or acceptance that this guy, even though he was my age, molested me online.
I don't think age has anything to do with it - but from the story, this person did not ask you to do anything at all.

My advice would be to shift your focus, here. Like @whiteraven said -
Have you ever seen anyone to help with the abuse you suffered as a child? Sometimes, when we deal with difficulties and traumas when we are young, it's harder to cope as we get older.
None of us are capable of diagnosing anyone - but does it sound possible to you that you could be projecting feelings from earlier events onto this one person that you're still in contact with?

You would definitely benefit from being able to work with a therapist on how these events are still affecting you, in your day-to-day life.
 

anthony

Founder
I am very traumatized, severe trust issues and cpstd from a childhood of being misunderstood and punished for what could have possibly been a learning disability or symptoms from abuse that were punished with more abuse.
Your feelings are your feelings, neither right nor wrong, they are yours and yours to decide what is valid or not.

Now more recently I have become aware of some vague, abstract, possibly fragmented memory of sexual abuse. I remember another student in my kindergarten class stripping for the whole class which was absolutely ridiculous and disturbing, but i cannot remember if that was teacher approved or if she was abused herself and just did that when the teacher left the room. We all sat in a circle and sometimes she would do that. That never occured to be as abuse but ive recently become more aware of ANY sexual thing for children being traumatizing.
Not sure I would toss that into an abuse category. Who was being abused exactly if you're of the same / similar age and she stripped off her clothes only? Being naked by itself is not grounds for sexual abuse.

the real concern for me is the vague memories of perhaps my mother touching me and a vague memory of her telling me to suck her nipple because "i used to do it" I must have been like 10 or something. I cant even remember if that memory is real and i have been gaslighting myself.
A lot of vague in there. The mind can do a lot of good and a lot of bad to ourselves. If you can't validate it with some factual significance, I would place it aside until such time you can substantiate it.

I was persuaded to show my penis online to a person who did not have a cam on. There were moments where another kid my age would be on the camera and i view that as normal still because you can imagine kids in playgrounds "ill show you mine if you show me yours" throughout the years being a normal thing happening. but the thought of the camless people being adult has recently haunted me.
Fair thoughts... kids do stupid shit, and it is kids being kids to a certain level. When we're kids we don't have the maturity or knowledge towards sexual rights and wrongs. When things stay within the same age groups, it is more considered normal exploration. When one is much older, that is where the older knows better and its abuse.

Not only that, but i continued to do this until I was 19 years old because I simply did not know better.
I know plenty of people who did this in the Army... no shortage of dick pics from adults being very immature. Don't beat yourself up over it. Growing pains and stupid shit we all do growing up.

When i was 15 or 16.... ...I have been traumatized by that and even if the friend was my age I view him as a co-molester for doing that but also i have become paranoid in everyday life because the reach this old friend group has in my life is still pervasive enough that I have pushed away from all relationship potential and friendships explode due to my lack of trust.
I don't see either person molesting you in this example, other than you molesting yourself. Yes, the stigma and embarrassment afterwards from someone involved who then weaponises the event and makes it public for shaming, that is a different matter, and that is all them being abusive towards you.

I still know this guy over 10 years later and he is a complete douche bag.
I would probably STOP knowing this person and remove them from your life. You are who you surround yourself with.

I am wondering now how wide ranging this abuse is as in the 2000s the internet was probably a gold mine for predators and nobody really knew what was going on. I am also looking for validation or acceptance that this guy, even though he was my age, molested me online. I can get over the camless people somewhat, shove it down a bit, but i cannot get over this idiot joining my video game lobbies and invading my privacy on a semi regular basis.
I think the early internet had a lot of abuse happening. Shit, its a massive problem today, let alone when it was pretty much unregulated compared to nowadays the monitoring that is happening by Governments and ISP's.

I don't personally see yet how this guy you keep mentioning molested you as to validate anything. How did he molest you? You showing your dick online is your doing, your choices. It is one thing if an adult is hiding behind pretending to be someone else, age or such, convincing a young person to expose themselves or start masturbating, but kids and friends being online choosing to show themselves to their friends, is just teenage normal stupidity. Parents today are banging their heads against a wall trying to stop their kids doing exactly this, trying to get through their idiot heads that this shit stays there forever, can be shared widely amongst friends as a weapon, and they're failing because its happening on an epic level.

Teenagers think looking sexy or such online is amazing for self esteem... when its all BS and a house of cards waiting to fall on their head. Kids are killing themselves as a result of these acts.

Its a serious topic, but you own what you own, you don't own what you can't validate, and you chalk up a whole bunch of teenage stupidity to just that, being immature and doing idiotic stupid shit. Looking back and calling it trauma is a bit much though, because we know better as we get older. Don't get me wrong, legit traumatic events are just that, but retrospect to teen events is not always factual a decade later.

Be kind to yourself.
 
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