Looking For Quotes

[sun seeker]

I am having a conflict with my therapist that is seriously messing up what is otherwise a wonderful relationship. It's about how often he doesn't follow through on what he says he is going to do, and takes it as just how he is and something I have to learn to live with. For someone with trust issues as big as mine, that is next to impossible.

I am looking for information to forward him about how important consistency is when working with survivors of early abuse with trust issues. Any ideas?

 

[Mim28]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Would it be better to just use your own words rather a quote, which will make it impersonal. I'm sorry, I don't know the details and I've never had a therapist do this, as mine has mostly just listened to me.
I do understand having trust issues. It takes us so long to find someone to finally open up to and we rely on them to be true to their word.
Sorry I can't be of more help..

 

[Powder]

Can you think of and describe an example of the main things he is not doing that he says he will do?

 

[watundah]

I have had a few problems over the years with my therapist and have found a full on purge via email works best for me. No way could I clear it all face to face. I have a hard enough time talking about me and by writing I can diplomatically word pick, review, and develop clear concise thoughts and examples. If I avoid getting too emotional, it's more like, "here's the facts ma'm, you did this, this and this." I suspect she hates my organized and factual approach. :)

I think if your therapist knows trauma, he knows how failure of follow through can be hurtful and create a break in your relationship. I have had my therapist use the same language, and at first I felt the "I'm not perfect" statement was a cop out. Then I realized perhaps I was being unreasonable in my expectations but she has obviously started trying harder in some respects, so that means a lot, too that it was a little me and a little her.

I think they may forget things if they promise things and have many clients, but is it right that it creates a backlash for us? Nope. I agree it would feel better if he would commit to trying harder. It doesn't mean you expect perfection, just better.

Good luck. I hope he is willing to agree that he could try harder.

 

[sun seeker]

Would it be better to just use your own words rather a quote, which will make it impersonal.

Oh, I have. I'm looking for back-up.

n example of the main things he is not doing that he says he will do

Changing appointment times a lot, for reasons I would consider unnecessary. Arriving/calling very late so I am triggered before we even start. Saying he will talk to someone on my behalf and not following through.

 

[sun seeker]

Then I realized perhaps I was being unreasonable in my expectations

The thing is, when we start out we will be unreasonable, because we are redoing the parts of childhood that were done wrong the first time around. Children tend to be unreasonable. We grow in the capacity for flexibility and understanding once we have a secure base.

I long so much for that secure base. But it keeps moving under my feet as soon as I start to relax. This is retraumatizing me instead of just bringing up stuff to work on.

I think if your therapist knows trauma, he knows how failure of follow through can be hurtful and create a break in your relationship

I think he does, but he doesn't follow that with action. I don't get it. Maybe due to his poor memory, he needs a mobile app to remind him of all the things he said he would do? Maybe as soon as he says he will do ANYTHING for me, I get him to add it to his mobile?

This time though? It just stood to reason what he would do, but he took me by surprise. He called me very late for an appointment I've been holding out for for weeks, then said he had only a short time because he was taking off on another holiday activity. While I went through hell. It wouldn't have occurred to me to tell him to remind himself that making a commitment means following through on it. I don't know how to explain the obvious.

I think they may forget things if they promise things and have many clients

He forgets things, I get that part. It's the disregard for how it affects people when he changes plans on short notice so frequently that really gets to me.

 

[watundah]

Gotcha
Mine was taking a LOT of vacation time and it took a bit of bashing to get my point across that it was triggering my abandonment issues. It sounds like you have many credible complaints and he is being inconsiderate. I would tell him that.

 

[Mim28]

Oh, I have. I'm looking for back-up.


Changing appointment times a lot, for reasons I would consid...

That's not good at all. You need someone you can rely on. If my therapist was doing that It would definitely trigger me. Some days its all I can do just to get to the appointment. I really am sorry this is happening to you. Perhaps your Therapist is going through something personal, but then they need to be up front about their availability. If mine was doing that, I'd be happy to video chat if that could count as a session. Anything. Sometimes just a phone call. I hope this situation improves quickly, for your sake. Hugs!

 

[sun seeker]

Sometimes just a phone call.

This was a phone call. Almost an hour late, then cut to half an hour, during which I spent most of the time screaming and writhing on the floor in a trauma reaction.

 

[sun seeker]

you have many credible complaints and he is being inconsiderate. I would tell him that.

I have. Repeatedly and graphically. He just hasn't done anything about it as far as I can see.

 

[Friday]

he says he is going to do, and takes it as just how he is and something I have to learn to live with.

I'm getting a bit of 'tilting at windmills' vibe, here. ((Or, alternatively, something I used to tell my son when he was little "It doesn't matter how many times you ask. The answer is still 'No.' "))

It sounds like you've already spoken with him about this, he's told you that this is how he is & that won't be changing, but you think that having someone else say something -that's not you- means he would change? Why?

I get that low self esteem might drive the "he'll listen to someone else" bit, but while you say you trust him, it sounds like you don't trust him enough to know his own mind? Nor to know which of his habits are things he is willing or able to change, and which are here to stay.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't trust him. Not anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore, period. I don't trust. Not people, not God, not life. I will never recover from this.