Sufferer Looking to be heard, PTSD from childhood abuse

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hey there,

been lurking on the website here for a bit. but even writing this is difficult.

My childhood was so bad I blocked most of it out. I actually went psychologically blind once due to all the f*cked up stuff that went on. Most of my remaining memories aren't very visual, but since I didn't remember(and still don't) it doesn't actively effect me, well it does, certainly, but I could have been okay. PTSD from childhood abuse certainly, but I was me. and I am Autistic, and I like that about myself. I use to be incredibly creative and so book smart! Articulate, gaining praise for my talents which are very much based in positive Autistic qualities. I try to surround myself with folks who embrace the plethora of fascinating neurotypes that are on this planet. I view myself as an equal to the other types, but the others don't always view me as theirs. Dating a sociopath was a bad idea, in retrospect...

I've had several part time jobs in the past, getting heaped praise on how skilled I am at it, but then I grow more comfortable around my coworkers and in conversation might mention I'm Autistic, suddenly the job I was so good at I'm told I'm really lousy at and I'm either fired or just end up quitting. I decided that having a boss wasn't for me so I started trying to figure out how to start my own business. But, I live on government benefits and they put a lot of blocks in disabled people's lives to prevent us from gaining independence. There are so many things we can't do or risk losing our monthly check, like get married, or have a savings account large enough to make a "grown up" purchase(like starting a business.) But I was going through the hoops and trying to get into every program I can to try and better myself, financially, spiritually. . . I got really into Buddhism and became a pantheist and was actually going in a really good direction.

But then I had to get reassessed so that I could continue receiving money from the government. It was that trauma that has destroyed me. I was alone, trapped in a room with a sadistic psychologist and he tortured me. and added on top the threat that even after I escaped the room he could take away all my government benefits by telling them that I'm not disabled "enough" to receive them. I am currently still receiving them so I guess he didn't..

Afterwards I became completely non-verbal, which had never happened to me before. I'm the type of Autistic that talks too much, too flowery of vocabulary and too many words in a sentence. but I couldn't speak, at all, for days. My boyfriend carried me to the bed when we got home and I stayed there completely immobile, paralyzed, unable to move except for the fact that I kept stress vomiting, for hours and hours at a time for a few days. I thought I was dying but I didn't care. I'd have killed myself If I could have moved.

I went for help asap, but the people I told didn't understand and I was told that it wasn't abuse unless I was naked or physically injured. Obviously this isn't true and others since have agreed that what he did was worthy of being considered a crime, but that I can't prove it.

So now instead of a clever, blunt, honest, articulate Autistic human I am a terrified, hesitant, emotionally distant but also incredibly angry broken new damaged neurotype that is so disorganized I can't speak while sober. Nothing I said stopped him! Nothing I said mattered! Nothing I say means anything. Cannabis is an amazing medicine, I started using it originally to treat fibromyalgia and insomnia. For medicinal or rec use I'm a fan but I know that my current use is far beyond what it should be. I can't deal with being sober, my brain can't deal with what happened when its not swimming in a pool of THC.

I continue going to meetings, trying to do all the stuff as before to get my life in order so that I can be financially independent, but because I am disabled I have to answer to someone else for so many things and I have a right to services and accommodations but I have to argue, negotiate, TALK for everything! Self advocate. People don't have the patience for non-verbal communication.

I'm gonna stop there for now. That's why I joined this site.
Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.
Are you going to therapy at all. I see you have had a bad experience with a therapist. I hope you can see that the sadistic therapist wasn’t their for you or to treat you, but to work for the system. Finding your own therapist with experience in trauma and PTSD, who is there for you and only you will be a different experience then the one you just had. We are all here to support you. You have a voice, you deserve and have a right to use it.
Thanks for sharing, I relate to feeling like my trauma wasn’t enough because it was more emotional than physical.
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