Losing Friends/support

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Really sad and hurt right now. I had a friend that has now completely tossed me aside. They were my sole support other than my T. A little over a week ago she really hurt me by sharing very personal and private stuff about me with a mutual friend. I voiced that it wasn't ok that she did that without first asking permission, she ended up getting mad at me saying I wouldn't let people care about me unless it was on my terms and the way I wanted. I ended the conversation by stating that I wasn't going to continue discussing the topic, which for me is huge. Normally when I feel wronged or betrayed I will go into attack mode, I was really proud of myself for being respectful and only stating why it wasn't ok, that it took away my right to privacy, and then I let the subject drop. I was angry so I took time away from further communicating so that it allowed me to cool down.

Last night I noticed she had deleted and blocked me on Facebook. I messaged her husband and said I was confused as to why she did, that I wasn't sure what I said to make her mad because I hadn't said anything since our conversation over a week ago. She had even congratulated me on my acceptance into school, so this was a surprise. I ended up texting her as per her husbands suggestion and got back a surprising response. She said she felt like I used her and the things she and her husband did for me were unappreciated. That she's trying to help me but she can't. And that this was it, good luck with life. The unappreciated comment isn't the first time she's brought it up, we sat down every time and talked about it and about how I DO appreciate everything they do for me and the support they offer. I constantly said thank you, asked what I could do to help out when I was over at their house, cleaned while I was there, anything I could think of to show and say appreciation. I told her that I wasn't going to send a lengthy response about her feeling used and unappreciated because it had been talked about many times before and didn't feel like I could say anything different to reassure her that I did in fact appreciate the help. I also told her she couldn't save me, that I needed to save myself, all I needed from her was a friend.

She shot that down really quick. So now I have my answer. I've been tossed aside, she's done with me, I will not hear from her again. It hurts, a lot. Like a hole has been punched through my chest. T is all I've got now, T knows this because I've talked to her about it after this friend got mad at me for telling her she crossed a boundary. But T doesn't know that it's definitely done now, this conversation was just had today. I don't know what to do, I can't fix this, clearly it's not worth fixing if she constantly feels unappreciated no matter how hard I try to show her I do. It hurts, it just hurts.
 

WillyKat

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like a classic case of someone (your friend, and I use that term deliberately) that cares about you but doesn't know exactly how to care for you and gets frustrated.

She's probably frightened that she's unable to reach you. And I'm sure you know that she meant well when she violated your wishes. By unfriending you, she's trying to protect herself from being hurt further.

Having been on the other side, its hard when you try to reach someone, help someone, and you try so hard that you screw it up. A great many friendships have collapsed this way.

It's your call, obviously, but my advice is to consider that she cares and her main fault is trying too hard. That said, she needs to know how much it hurts you when she doesn't respect boundaries, that she doesn't accept the fact that you need to do the work.

Hope that helps (I kind of rambled).
 

Glenn R.

Learning
mytai I hear you loud and clear. In fact, I can identify with you and have experienced the identical situation over and over again. This is the way my parents treated me as an adult.

From what you described, your former friend sounds very codependent. It sounds like she is trying to "fix" you rather than help you. And it sounds as if it is her -- not you -- that demands the manner in which she does so. In my book, this is clearly-defined Narcissism at its worst.

With Narcissists, everything is always about them. When they help others, their motive is generally acclaim. And by the way, they will never let you forget any help they provide either and expect reciprocation. Unfortunately, my parents cut off relations with me several times under the same circumstances, and eventually, I had to cut them out of my life. They were just too toxic for me to handle.

Mytai: This is your life, and no one else has a vote in it unless you say so. You have a right to set boundaries. In fact, there isn't a therapist in America that wouldn't agree how essential and healthy that practice is. I have observed that those that don't respect yours generally have skewed ones themselves.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
That sucks! It sounds like you handled your end of it well. I'm not sure what she wanted. Other than for you not to express your concerns about your privacy. (And those seem like valid concerns to me.)

Glad to hear you were accepted into school! Maybe new friends are just around the corner. Meanwhile, I know it's not the same, but you have us! (?)
 

garden

MyPTSD Pro
A little over a week ago she really hurt me by sharing very personal and private stuff about me with a mutual friend. I voiced that it wasn't ok that she did that without first asking permission, she ended up getting mad at me saying I wouldn't let people care about me unless it was on my terms and the way I wanted.

If she is responding this way than I would have to agree with @Glenn R. She is not hearing you, nor does it sound like she's interested in hearing you. Her response was to turn around and place blame on you.

I voiced that it wasn't ok that she did that without first asking permission, she ended up getting mad at me saying I wouldn't let people care about me unless it was on my terms and the way I wanted.

You are hurt because a boundary was crossed, and you have every right to bring it up and express how it affected you. Instead of taking responsibilty for her own actions she responded by turning it around and back on you, when you did nothing but try to assert yourself. You have every right to assert your boundaries. Somone who does not respect your boundaries does not deserve one hair on your head...let alone your precious friendship.

As your friend, she should want to guard your personal and private things...what motivated her to speak about them instead? Did she have a good reason? Did she share this with your well being in mind? Was sharing this going to somehow benefit you? Was the mutual person someone that wanted to help you too? Her motivation for sharing your private stuff would be very revealing. If it was simply gossip, then you probably don't want her as a friend anyways, you'll never be able to trust her with your private matters. If she shared your private stuff because she wanted to brag about how much she does for you, then you don't want someone like that in your life either (narcissist). There may be other reasons, but if she's not even willing to take responsibility for her own actions, she does not have it in her to admit why she may have done it...you'll never know. You deserve more.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
It sounds like she is trying to "fix" you rather than help you.
Yes she was trying to fix me, she didn't understand that letting go is not something instantaneous but rather a process that I have to work through. Especially with 20 years of abuse.

You have a right to set boundaries. In fact, there isn't a therapist in America that wouldn't agree how essential and healthy that practice is. I have observed that those that don't respect yours generally have skewed ones themselves.
Funny, this is something I worked on really in-depth with T in the form of a group therapy workshop that was held over a weekend. I was actually putting to use everything I learned.

Meanwhile, I know it's not the same, but you have us! (?)
You guys are all awesome. I love that I have you.

Did she have a good reason? Did she share this with your well being in mind? Was sharing this going to somehow benefit you? Was the mutual person someone that wanted to help you too?
I know she feels her reason was good, that much is evident. She didn't have time or energy to be a support that night (which I was already aware of prior to that day), so she decided that she would contact this mutual friend and get them to support me. But rather than say "Hey mytai had a really crappy day, I think she needs a friend to support her tonight" she divulged specific details which was not necessary, or right. On top of that I was only given permission from the crown to talk to her (this friend) and my T until things were finalized. Yes the mutual friend wanted to help to, but I had not shared any of what was going on with this assault, going to trial, anything of the sorts with this person at all. I didn't want everyone knowing, I needed and wanted it kept private.
 

Glenn R.

Learning
mytai I have struggled for years with so-called friends insistent on fixing me: Read this book; try this alternative therapy; take this medication. You name it, they tried it! I found it to be a complete exercise in futility, not to mention extremely frustrating, trying to explain PTSD can't be "fixed" with a single remedy, and especially overnight! Those people ended up getting real frustrated with me, and I would immediately stop trusting them with my heart.

I can't help but believe they wouldn't have reacted to me the same way had my pain involved any other organ other than the brain!
 

Rumors

MyPTSD Pro
@mytai
Just another perspective, however you never know what someone else may be going through in their own world either. Your friend may have lots of personal issues right now that make it hard for her to fully be there. Or, she may be practicing self care because of things going on in her life.
Sometimes I think the best remedy is a little time. Perhaps you could send her a note? If she is important to you then I would make an effort to be in touch. Perhaps she feels overwhelmed by the knowledge you shared and doesn't know how to help and it scares her? What if she knows something and then you attemt suicide? It sounds pretty complicated with a lot of emotion being thrown in the mix. I am not saying she handled everything correctly, however perhaps you didn't either ??? No one is perfect. Your friend may be better as a friend but maybe not a sounding board. She may not be able to handle what has been said. Although fixing you is not her job, it is sweet she cared enough to try.
Hang in there mytai. You are a pretty cool gal. Be kind to yourself. You deserve more peace than you have. Sending you good thoughts and strength.
 
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