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Relationship Losing hope and faith...does it ever balance out

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Hey everyone,

I am new here. I just found this site about a week a ago, which probably should have been a year ago or maybe even 10 years or more ago. This will be a fairly long post to give you a background but maybe for me to vent as well. My husband and I will be married 19 years later this month. As of about 9 months ago my husband has been diagnosed with having PTSD.

We met, had a child and were married all within a year of being together. Our first year of marriage was rough. Our second year he had an affair and another child from that affair. We both decided to try and work things out. Needless to say one way he began to cope with life was drinking. He was an alcoholic for many years and that was rough. I am happy to say that he has been clean now for 5 years but it seems this episode he is having he is not coming out of like he has in the past. Throughout the years we have always gone through this push pull thing everyone describes but they were subtle, not anything like they are now. For the past year things have been very difficult and hard for us. About a year ago he stopped telling me loved me, would not come home, or come home late and not say anything. He told me he was going to therapy but than many months later he tells me stopped going, didn't feel it was helping and that he goes to a PTSD support group. When he texts me it is random things, like its cold outside or something like that. There are days when I feel like he is coming around and than wham he is gone again. Last week he was sending me messages of how he remembers when we first met and the things we used to do before we had the kids. Than today, or should I say last night, he never came home and never said anything about not coming home. Would you consider this acceptable behavior? When he is not going to his AAA meeting or his support group meeting he is working late. And than on the weekends, if he is not working he is looking for an excuse to leave. He will say he has a friends house he needs to go to help with something or he is going away for the weekend with friends. Always has a reason or excuse to leave. There has been no intimacy between us for the last year. This is not the man I have been with for the last 20 years. I miss that man that would smile, give me love and affection, love being with his family and not running away. My heart aches, I feel so unloved at times it is hard. He recently in an argument said he wanted a legal separation. A year ago, it was he wanted a divorce. He told me in the past he had a friend who has PTSD and he and his wife had been married for a very long time and went through the same thing and did a separation and ended up back together. He feels that this could work for us. I just don't agree. It may have worked for them but I just don't see it working for us. Does this push/pull ever get better? It did in the past but this seems so different I feel like he is just not coming out of it this time. Like I said it has been about a year now. I am beginning to feel like I have lost myself and who I am. It is so hard to not get wrapped up in this and begin to lose hope and faith. I love this man, he has been my world. I miss the man he was. It is hard for me to not take any of this personal. Has anyone here been married as long as we have and made it through. It seems the breaking up/divorce rate seems greater than the making it through.
 
It's possible to make PTSD relationships work. There are some people around here that have been married for a long time. It can be hard work though.

Is he getting any kind of treatment for his PTSD right now?
 
That's the rub... if you have a partner with a mental illness it only works if they're healthy and functioning enough for a relationship.

At least he is getting some kind of support. Is he a vet?
 
Yes it can work, but it takes work on both sides. Are you in therapy?
@Mytime, no I am currently not in therapy but was actually looking into it yesterday. In a sense through all this I feel like I have lost myself and its been noted so I think its time to take care of myself to be a better person for him.
 
I think that would be a good start. I know it can sound crazy when you hear take care of yourself first. Your thinking, how am I supposed to think of myself when my marriage and life are falling apart. Well,

1- you can’ t support him, if you can’t support yourself.
2- It’s easier to set boundaries
3- If things don’t work out, your in a better place for you and your kids.

When I started therapy I had lost myself. I learned how to keep his emotions his and how to deal with mine.
When we started couples counseling I went to learn how to co-parent. I already expected he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. He went to shut me up. But once we were able to talk and he could hear me past his anger and his numbness. things started to get better. We were in counseling for over a year. We have been together for
28 years and married for 22 this year. But I don’t think we would be where we are if I didn’t start therapy myself. I understand your hurt and confusion. Just know your not alone. Sending hugs if you expect :hug:
 
Hubby and I have been together for 23 years and I haven't always made it easy. We've done marriage counseling a couple times along the way but I finally had to commit to getting help if we were going to make it to 24
 
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