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Death Loss. My story

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Hello everyone,

I lost my beloved best friend to suicide, we went to school together we did everything together. He was struggling with his mental health and so was I. We was there for each other, I was there until the end.

he passed away May 26th of this year. He sadly took his own life at the age of 21. We both wore fake smiles throughout our childhood, we both pretended to be okay when actually we was struggling. I can always remember the day I found out.

we both became close ( as friends ) in year 4 when our maths teacher put us in a pair, we grew up together. I wish he was here to celebrate my 21st birthday in December. But I’m glad I was able to celebrate his.

I suffer with depression, anxiety and psychosis. I also have an eating disorder too. I am on medication for it, and I do see a therapist which I’m thankful for. I do hear voices which do affect me in many ways then one.

When I was younger my dad passed away in a Motorcycle crash, which left my mother on her own. We had a tough childhood and that’s when my mental health started appearing. I ever first harmed myself at the age of 9 when I was being bullied. Through out my school years I was bullied and hurt mentally and physically.

Now 21 years old, I am trying to build my life back up. I’ve seen death too many times but I’m glad I’m still here to this day. It is tricky and like today I feel suicidal but I’m trying to think of the positives to why I’m still here.

The loss of my two favourite people has left me with severe anxiety. I’m scared I’ll loose my mum. Even thinking about it causes me to have a panic attack.

Im sorry for the rambling,

Courtney x
Hi Courtneyy,
There is no need to apologize, you weren’t rambling, you were sharing.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had such significant losses and that you struggled through your childhood. It can be so hard to find ways to cope with such difficult circumstances, and maybe even more difficult to find ways to cope that don’t hurt us more. I hope that your therapist can help you find ways to cope without hurting yourself further. Keep taking it one step at a time! Keep sharing and don’t apologize for it. Sending a hug if it’s welcome today.
apology NOT accepted for the rambling, courtney. getting these griefs and heartaches into words and sharing those words helps mightily in healing psychic wounds. in my own case, it takes ALLOT of rambling to find the right words for ^it^ in the healing context. i take great comfort in knowing there are places, such as this very space, where rambling is both allowed and welcome.

steadying support while you walk your healing path.
hope healing happens here.
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