Relationship Lost and Broken

I recently reconnected with a man I went to high school with. He lives out of state but we talked pretty much every day sometimes all day long. He told me about his ptsd, but didn’t go into a lot of detail. I told him I didn’t know much about his condition and because he seemed like he was handling things really well I didn’t do much research. He came into visit me about a month or so later. We had an amazing time, we talked and really connected with each other. A week later he told me he tried to trust me but he couldn’t, we weren’t a match and then he deleted me. I waited a week or so and contacted him. He seemed fine, he said he still liked me and enjoyed talking to me. We agreed to keep it as friends because he was having a hard time with being in a relationship. I was fine with that. We talked for several more days and then he vanished again. This has been going on for months. 10 to be exact. He will be completely into me one minute, sweet, compassionate and then will start saying off the wall things and vanish. He always seemed down on himself. He thought he was this horrible person and said I deserved better because he wasn’t “that”. I would reassure him that he didn’t need to be anything for me and I never asked him to be more than a friend. It seemed to stress him out if we talked as if we were dating, so I was careful not to talk like we were. Fast forward to a month ago. I reached out to him to see how he was , after talking for a while he told me it was safe to think he was still interested, and he was making plans to come for a visit. Next day he started saying off the wall things again and then blocked me. Several weeks went by and I sent him an email to his work because I don’t know how else to reach him. No reply.. I waited a week and decided to give him a call at his work. I told him I was worried about him. I apologized for things I “could’ve” said wrong in the past. I have no idea who I was talking to because it wasn’t him. He was so mad and cold to me. He said that sending him an email and then calling him was over the top and I was being pushy. Pushy?? we’ve been talking for the past 10 months, and a couple weeks before that he told me he was still interested. Ugh!! I apologized for calling and told him I didn’t mean to stress him out. I also told him how much I cared about him, and was confused by his actions. He said we both needed to move on and then hung up on me. No goodbye or have a wonderful life, just hung up. I’ve spent the last year proving to him that I am who I say I am, showing him love and support and treats me like I’m a stranger. I haven’t heard from him since. I’m very worried and heartbroken. I have feelings for him and I don’t know what to do. Could someone please give me some advice?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi. Welcome to the site. Why have feelings for someone when it's not reciprocated and they treat you like shit? What benefit is this toxic relationship bringing to your life? You deserve better so move on if I were you.

Having PTSD isn't an excuse to be an asshole.
 
I had no intentions of having feelings for him. But how can someone be a huge part of your life for so long and not develop something? I honestly thought there wasn’t something there between us. He asked me to be patient with him in the beginning, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I know he’s struggling and I have always shown him love and compassion. When he started acting weird I did research to learn more about this. Everything I’ve read has said they isolate and sometimes vanish but to not give up on them. That’s why I’ve kept trying. The problem is I don’t know what’s him and what’s PTSD. Why would he tell me he still liked me and was interested if there want something there? I don’t want to give up on him, because so many have in the past. He’s always came back but this time seems different. I’ve also read that they think differently than someone without ptsd. Is this normal behavior? Did I push him too far?
 
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Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
He said you both need to move on and then hung up on you! How much more of a direct closure is there!!! I'm sorry, it's upsetting and painful but he made it really clear. There is nothing to salvage in that relationship.
 
Thank you for your responses. Yes it’s painful to hear but something I needed. He has told me to move on in the past, but it’s usually when he gets overwhelmed. When he’s in a good place he’s the sweetest person ever. I know he hasn’t purposely hurt me, but I do feel like a fool. I guess that’s what I get for showing him compassion and understanding.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I hope things work out for you. Maybe you can find someone that doesn't have those complications. like I said, you deserve better. 😊
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a sufferer and I know I can feel totally comfortable and close to a person, then don't want them around the next day. Sadly this is the illness. It's nothing you said or didn't say, nothing you did or didn't do. It is the illness. You could have your interactions scripted and be perfect, it would still happen. It's like a diabetic binging on cake and then having high blood sugars. It will happen despite anyone's intentions. The hard part is realizing that wonderful person who was there is not really there, the illness has taken over. This doesn't excuse any behavior, it just explains it.
 
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a sufferer and I know I can feel totally comfortable and close to a person, then don't want them around the next day. Sadly this is the illness. It's nothing you said or didn't say, nothing you did or didn't do. It is the illness. You could have your interactions scripted and be perfect, it would still happen. It's like a diabetic binging on cake and then having high blood sugars. It will happen despite anyone's intentions. The hard part is realizing that wonderful person who was there is not really there, the illness has taken over. This doesn't excuse any behavior, it just explains it.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve beat myself up over and over for calling him. I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him. I sent him one last email yesterday and told him I believed in him and I was here if he needed to talk. He didn’t reply. It’s hard for me to understand what’s going on his brain. I still don’t understand why he seemed so normal the first month or so. He acted like he was really interested in me/us, and now he won’t speak to me. I’ve always tried to give him his space and reassure him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Part of me feels like he was lying to me the whole time and this other part of me prays he will come back. I’m heartbroken.
 

Friday

Moderator
Everything I’ve read has said they isolate and sometimes vanish but to not give up on them.
However, people with PTSD also end friendships and break up with people.

Speaking for my own self.... if someone I’m dating or friends with comes & goes? No worries. (To whatever degree I’m comfy with. If I’m not comfortable with it, *I* end the friendship or break up with them). However, I also don’t f*ck around. If they end the friendship or break up with me? That’s it. Done. Finis. I’m not going to play the “do they really mean it?” game. Stalking ain’t my thing, nor are bullshit emotional games / breakin up every time they want 2 minutes to themselves & getting back together whenever they snap their fingers. I’m going to take someone at their word, that if we’re done, we’re done.
 
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However, people with PTSD also end friendships and break up with people.

Speaking for my own self.... if someone I’m dating or friends with comes & goes? No worries. (To whatever degree I’m comfy with. If I’m not comfortable with it, *I* end the friendship or break up with them). However, I also don’t f*ck around. If they end the friendship or break up with me? That’s it. Done. Finis. I’m not going to play the “do they really mean it?” game. Stalking ain’t my thing, nor are bullshit emotional games / breakin up every time they want 2 minutes to themselves & getting back together whenever they snap their fingers. I’m going to take someone at their word, that if we’re done, we’re done.
I’ve never been one to let someone run over me. I’ve always stood up for myself or walked away when I knew it was over or even before. I took his actions as being “not him”. I saw the person he was in the beginning and held onto that. I’ve been very forgiving. I suffer with depression and this has really taken its toll on me as well. I’ve lost myself in this mess. Thank you for your response and everyone who has replied. It’s put things into perspective.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know if this has been said or not but it's really about him. You can't date someone that is going to want you one week and not the other. Sure, it may be a PTSD trait but he just can't handle a relationship ( period) sounds like. If he can't handle a relationship in the beginning, no amount of him wanting one and sticking to it is going to work.
 
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm a sufferer and I know I can feel totally comfortable and close to a person, then don't want them around the next day. Sadly this is the illness. It's nothing you said or didn't say, nothing you did or didn't do. It is the illness. You could have your interactions scripted and be perfect, it would still happen. It's like a diabetic binging on cake and then having high blood sugars. It will happen despite anyone's intentions. The hard part is realizing that wonderful person who was there is not really there, the illness has taken over. This doesn't excuse any behavior, it just explains it.
I’m just curious, have you had moments where you lash out at your partner or a friend? If so do you feel bad about it afterwards? He has said things in the past that have made zero sense, and rarely ever acknowledges later, almost like it never happened.
 
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