Sufferer Lost and confused - Over the past few months my life came to a screeching halt

notdoneyet

Learning
Hey everyone, after lurking and checking this place every now and then over the past few months my life came to a screeching halt and I finally decided to make an account.

I've been struggling with anxiety, my adhd and my trauma basically my whole life, I had my fair share of trauma starting in early childhood but I thought I was finally getting better.

I'm 30 now and things seemed like they were starting to make sense, but boy was I wrong.

So yeah.

Everything just fell apart during the last few days.

I got news that the trauma therapy (my 5th attempt to get one in the last 2 years) that I was waiting on for quite a long time didn't accept me, I learned that someone I trusted (and I don't trust many people) and was really close with (to the point of calling them my best friend) lied to me and betrayed me and shared extremely personal things about me.

That person hurt me before, but I always forgave them because they had a lot of problems themselves but what I found out now just left me completely shattered and I am just so done.

I can't use my usual coping mechanisms or things to calm myself because we shared so many interests that a lot of my favorite music, books, poetry, shows and interests in general now feel tainted and make me feel appalled and scared.

I was doing so well before all that happened, even felt like getting back into dating, but now?

So yeah, here I am, taking anxiety meds that don't really help and feeling like nothing makes sense anymore.

I don't really know what I'm expecting of this, I just feel so damn alone in this world rn, but I know there's at least people here who understand that this isn't "just a setback" and how much things like this can fk with the healing you're trying to do.
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry to hear about how much you are struggling right now. I definitely know what it's like to lose a trusted friend, I have had this happen to me recently as well and it was a devastating blow. I had come to believe we were like family && found out that she was making fun of me behind my back & deliberately trying to hurt my feelings. Unfortunately we cannot control the way other people behave, we can only control how we respond. For me, trust is like probability. It's not all-or-nothing, it's just the likelihood-of someone to do/say a specific thing, or not.
 

notdoneyet

Learning
Sorry to hear about how much you are struggling right now. I definitely know what it's like to lose a trusted friend, I have had this happen to me recently as well and it was a devastating blow. I had come to believe we were like family && found out that she was making fun of me behind my back & deliberately trying to hurt my feelings. Unfortunately we cannot control the way other people behave, we can only control how we respond. For me, trust is like probability. It's not all-or-nothing, it's just the likelihood-of someone to do/say a specific thing, or not.
Ugh sorry to hear that, I feel that "like family" part, it's really a heavy punch in the guts when you realize you got it wrong.

Interesting view on trust, I tried to heal my trust in general but that's one of the hardest things I've been trying to learn ngl, feels like it's either I don't trust farther than I can throw or I trust blindly when it feels someone "proved" themselves to me.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Welcome to the forum!

'Setbacks' and stressors can be devastating with ptsd on board. The PTSD Cup is such a helpful way of understanding why one bad experience can seem to destroy everything. Hope this place helps get things back on track for you.
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
Interesting view on trust, I tried to heal my trust in general but that's one of the hardest things I've been trying to learn ngl, feels like it's either I don't trust farther than I can throw or I trust blindly when it feels someone "proved" themselves to me.

Yeah, it's been helpful to me to view it as rather than an "all-or-nothing" thing, to simply observe a person's responses and gauge based on probability how "likely" they are to respond in a certain way to a certain thing. The more consistent they are, across the axis of time -> the more probable it is they are habituated to their reactions && more likely to react in ways you can anticipate. This can be applied to all human beings regardless of if they are close to you, or even those who are harmful to you. If you judge that a person is most likely going to dismiss you or hurt you, then you can trust that probability as well.
 

notdoneyet

Learning
Yeah, it's been helpful to me to view it as rather than an "all-or-nothing" thing, to simply observe a person's responses and gauge based on probability how "likely" they are to respond in a certain way to a certain thing. The more consistent they are, across the axis of time -> the more probable it is they are habituated to their reactions && more likely to react in ways you can anticipate. This can be applied to all human beings regardless of if they are close to you, or even those who are harmful to you. If you judge that a person is most likely going to dismiss you or hurt you, then you can trust that probability as well.
Actually makes a lot of sense to me, I usually observe people's behavior a lot and try to make sense of it, but I think I still have a hard time putting certain behaviors, expressions, tone of voice etc in the right category (I think I forgot to mention I'm also on the autistic spectrum, so maybe that has something to do with it too idek)

On top of that I think I let the want or need to actually trust someone sometimes blur my observations more than I like to admit.
 
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