Lost and Hopeless

This is very difficult for me to post but I don’t know who else to talk to. I have been struggling with debt since college - I am 34 now. I find it so embarrassing. I haven’t told a single soul how much I actually owe. I’ve experienced dissociation since 2012 and ever since I’ve been wasting money on self help books, therapy and workshops that could potentially give me some peace and understanding of what I am going through. I feel like I am a child inside my body. The world around me doesn’t make sense. I can’t drive anymore becaue everything seems so chaotic. How do people drive? It’s a miracle to me. The moment I sit in the passenger seat I get this knot in my gut. Fearing that something bad is about to happen. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself so much for being weak. I have been binge eating. Gained over 100 pounds since college and honestly have nothing to show for my life.

I do however have a daughter. She is not 1 yet and it breaks my heart when I look into her eyes. She does not deserve someone like me as a mother. I lost my job during covid, got pregnant and haven’t been able to find a new job yet. I am looking for remote jobs. And I am not dumb I am smart. I have been one of the best employees regardless of where I’ve worked. Everyone thought I’d have a promising future. But now I feel like me not being here would be such a relief to the people around me. It feels like my life means nothing and yet people who talk to me tell me no one understands them better than me. People I used to tutor in college are successful professionals. I am a broke overweight mother with no career becaue I was looking to do something to help

Make a positive change in the society. I hate myself for being so naive. I hate myself for thinking my duty was to make a difference and not to take care of my basic necessities. It’s too late now. It’s been two days I have been contemplating about bankruptcy. I don’t know why I never thought about this before. But I have been contemplating and it’s scary. I don’t know if it makes sense I don’t know if it will ruin my life and my family’s life even further. I don’t own a house. Don’t own anything. I don’t know what I am looking for. I just wanted to tell someone how helpless and weak I feel. I just want to tell someone how angry and stupid I feel for always thinking that my healing was tied to another self help book it another workshop or this new therapist. I don’t want my child to pay for my mistakes. I wish I could just zoom out of this world so that my existence didn’t burden anyone anymore.

Have you experienced with something like this? Are there people like me? Have you filed bankruptcy? Please share your thoughts and recommendations. 🙏
 
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Friday

Moderator
My ex husbands CEO & highers up took him out for steak & scotch & a “First Bankruptcy Party” back when we first filed… they were so blown away that someone so smart had somehow been so stupid as to get to the level of business he was in without having filed at least once, yet.

Well, they were all Fortune 500, London school of economics, startup million & billionaires, serious-serious “business” people… meanwhile my ex wasn’t “in” business, he was “just” a tech genius. And (apparently! 🤣) it just blows business leaders minds how smart people (or anyone for that matter) doesn’t periodically “restructure” their lives, the same way a business should peridocdially be restructured to put (both) on the strongest footing possible. But instead? Struggle and drown, feeling terrible… when their outlook? Is that we should feel terrible about NOT filing… not only to save a business, but to make it stronger.

To them? It was common sense, but they’d spent decades in the best schools, with the most successful careers, up to their eyeballs with the best teams of lawyers and accountants money could buy. “Common sense” has a wildly different definition there …than the scholarshipping & student loan carrying, cash-only struggling to buy groceries/pay rent, middle class kids who have been raised to think of themselves as different than the data point in an algorithm that credit/banks/laws are written to account for. Rather than to build a “life” (or lives; with LLCs, board membership, & other extensions of one’s “self”, for different credit & tax & risk purposes) in the same way businesses are built. Because the data point in the algorithm that “you” or “I” are? Is not WHO we are. It’s just the avatar in play in whatever system’s program that’s running, according to whatever laws are en vogue this month.

After rubbing elbows with people who feel that personal lives are AS important as corporate “entities”? With the same laws applying to both?i Feel stupid about not doing it sooner, or when the rates are the most advantages, or by not limiting my liability in XYZ or ABC ways, or in only having 1 avatar, or, or, or… is what I feel badly about. I do NOT feel badly about doing something that’s not only completely legal, but highly advantageous to both individuals and corporations. And, IMO, individuals are worth “more” than corporations, so damn straight… should have the same ability under the law to restructure and come out stronger… that any petrol station or clam shack or zillion dollar industry has. And we do. It would be like refusing to drive a car, because companies drive cars, and I’m “just” a person who “should” be walking uphill in the snow, both ways. It doesn’t parse. Not when looked at logically. Oh. Right. It’s totally legal for me to drive. Maybe I should drive when it makes sense to drive, and walk when it makes sense to walk; rather than say driving is for businessses and walking is for people?
 
My ex husbands CEO & highers up took him out for steak & scotch & a “First Bankruptcy Party” back when we first filed… they were so blown away that someone so smart had somehow been so stupid as to get to the level of business he was in without having filed at least once, yet.

Well, they were all Fortune 500, London school of economics, startup million & billionaires, serious-serious “business” people… meanwhile my ex wasn’t “in” business, he was “just” a tech genius. And (apparently! 🤣) it just blows business leaders minds how smart people (or anyone for that matter) doesn’t periodically “restructure” their lives, the same way a business should peridocdially be restructured to put (both) on the strongest footing possible. But instead? Struggle and drown, feeling terrible… when their outlook? Is that we should feel terrible about NOT filing… not only to save a business, but to make it stronger.

To them? It was common sense, but they’d spent decades in the best schools, with the most successful careers, up to their eyeballs with the best teams of lawyers and accountants money could buy. “Common sense” has a wildly different definition there …than the scholarshipping & student loan carrying, cash-only struggling to buy groceries/pay rent, middle class kids who have been raised to think of themselves as different than the data point in an algorithm that credit/banks/laws are written to account for. Rather than to build a “life” (or lives; with LLCs, board membership, & other extensions of one’s “self”, for different credit & tax & risk purposes) in the same way businesses are built. Because the data point in the algorithm that “you” or “I” are? Is not WHO we are. It’s just the avatar in play in whatever system’s program that’s running, according to whatever laws are en vogue this month.

After rubbing elbows with people who feel that personal lives are AS important as corporate “entities”? With the same laws applying to both?i Feel stupid about not doing it sooner, or when the rates are the most advantages, or by not limiting my liability in XYZ or ABC ways, or in only having 1 avatar, or, or, or… is what I feel badly about. I do NOT feel badly about doing something that’s not only completely legal, but highly advantageous to both individuals and corporations. And, IMO, individuals are worth “more” than corporations, so damn straight… should have the same ability under the law to restructure and come out stronger… that any petrol station or clam shack or zillion dollar industry has. And we do. It would be like refusing to drive a car, because companies drive cars, and I’m “just” a person who “should” be walking uphill in the snow, both ways. It doesn’t parse. Not when looked at logically. Oh. Right. It’s totally legal for me to drive. Maybe I should drive when it makes sense to drive, and walk when it makes sense to walk; rather than say driving is for businessses and walking is for people?
Thank you for this 💗 how does one deal with it being on your credit for over 7 years? It feels like such a long time
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
you put my 67 year old nickers in a twist when you declared 34 too late to start over, whereis. insert yogi berra here. "it ain't over till it's over," especially when the next generation is already entering the game. mothers are irreplaceable. just ask the 3 orphans i inherited when my son and his wife died together in a car wreck in september, 2019. please don't give up on that baby's mother. she needs mama.

more than one of my 67 years has been mathematically inexplicable. i shouldn't have been able to make ends meet during those years, but somehow i did. here with my 20/20 hindsight, my greatest regret is that i spent more time agonizing over money than appreciating the precious gift of those babies i was trying to support.

steadying support while you find your way through, whereis. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
 
you put my 67 year old nickers in a twist when you declared 34 too late to start over, whereis. insert yogi berra here. "it ain't over till it's over," especially when the next generation is already entering the game. mothers are irreplaceable. just ask the 3 orphans i inherited when my son and his wife died together in a car wreck in september, 2019. please don't give up on that baby's mother. she needs mama.

more than one of my 67 years has been mathematically inexplicable. i shouldn't have been able to make ends meet during those years, but somehow i did. here with my 20/20 hindsight, my greatest regret is that i spent more time agonizing over money than appreciating the precious gift of those babies i was trying to support.

steadying support while you find your way through, whereis. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
My God. I am SO sorry for your son and his wife’s death. I can’t even imagine the pain you must endure. It breaks my heart to know that your grandchildren lost their parents. I wish I could hug them 💔💔💔 I am sending so much love and prayers yours and your grandchildren’s way.

Thank you so much for replying. It really gives me a different perspective. Sometimes it feels like there is so way out but it’s clear that for someone outside looking in, I am not hopelessly broken.. And that gives me something to contemplate.
 
how does one deal with it being on your credit for over 7 years?
So I never filed for bankruptcy, but I got into some shit with my credit cards to the point that I couldn't use one for 7 years. You get very good at using cash and debit cards and watching your bank account like a hawk. It's not impossible, and in fact it was a very good lesson for me on how to live within my very small means. In fact it was one fewer thing I had to worry about in my life. Now that I can use credit cards again. I pay them off every single month.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I filed bankruptcy 3 years ago. Like SRG said, you get good at watching your finances like a hawk. You adjust. But the burden of now having that crushing debt makes it worthwhile. Not sure where you live but there are a lot of resources out there. Debt counseling and stuff. Just make sure you go with a legitimate when, run the a non-profit or government.

Keep talking and reaching out for support. You can get through this
 

Sideways

Moderator
Personally, I'd be starting here:
I haven’t told a single soul how much I actually owe.
Financial advisors exist precisely because of this. A whole industry of perfectly legitimate workers, who exist to help people in financial hard times. There is no shame in being in the financial position you're in: it happened to you, and it happens to millions of other people every single year.

If you can, make the decisions about what to do with the rational part of your brain (financial problem - get financial advice), rather than the emotional part of your brain (this is making me feel incredibly ashamed so I can't talk about it). Talking to a financial adviser doesn't mean you get branded with a tattoo on your forehead that says "Failure". The only people to know? Are you, and the person who trained and decided to build there career in helping people in your position.

I don't know about the US, but there are a number of not-for-profit organisations here in Australia that do financial advice for free.

If this is what is driving the emotional state you're in? Get some professional help to get out from under the immense shame monster that has you trapped. Because your daughter does deserve a mother like you. And if you end up going down the path of bankruptcy? She's still in elementary school when your slate is wiped completely clean. It won't be a thing for her, and it definitely doesn't need to be bringing you down the way that it is.

You got this. It's gonna be okay. Reach out for help:)
 
So I never filed for bankruptcy, but I got into some shit with my credit cards to the point that I couldn't use one for 7 years. You get very good at using cash and debit cards and watching your bank account like a hawk. It's not impossible, and in fact it was a very good lesson for me on how to live within my very small means. In fact it was one fewer thing I had to worry about in my life. Now that I can use credit cards again. I pay them off every single month.
Thank you for this
 
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