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Lost trust in boyfriend/ no means no

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Hi. I am dating a man from beyond my dreams and have been for nearly two years now. He is kind, patient, thoughtful, dedicated, and my other half. Today when we were walking somewhere together, I was very irritable. He asked me if I wanted him to read something to me on his phone about our lease. I said no. He started reading anyway. I said, "I said no." He then pesters me about getting the full e-mail exchange. In an angry tone, I said, "no! I am hot, dizzy, and irritable. I need to lie down, we can talk about this later when I feel better." At first I felt guilty for getting angry at him, but then I realized he didn't respect my no, and I've lost a huge amount of trust for him.

I've dealt with so many people in my life that start off nice and turn out to be abusive. I learned all about red flags before I started dating and this is the only one I've seen in all of our two years. I don't even feel safe being in the same room as him. I can't tell if I'm overreacting. I don't even want to talk to him about how I don't trust him. I don't know how to rebuild trust after something like that, or even if it's possible. We live together! Any advice on this would be helpful.
 
So you've been with this guy two years.

Everything has been great.

He makes one mistake.....one mistake in two years, mind you.....and now he is abusive scum.

CBT would tell you that you are catastrophising and using black and white thinking (for starters).

Take a deep breath.

Sleep on it.

Rationally think this through in the morning.

Because yes, you are indeed overreacting.
 
After 2 years he reads something to you when you're pissed off & you lash out and equate it to rape/abuse in your head & heart.

Yeah, hon. You're overreacting.

I'd go so far as to say most likely triggered level of overreacting. Reading something out loud & Rape are whole universes apart. What's connecting them is the word no. I'd also like to suggest that the huge loss of trust // how to rebuild is at the level of if he'd beat you or raped you... Not was annoying you, by reading out loud/asking you a question & not listening to the answer, when you were already annoyed.

***

- If this was a pattern with him, where he regularly didn't take no for an answer, that would be one thing. Definite red flags, although that's not causal. Some of the nicest people who would never hurt a fly -much less someone they loved- have some pretty lousy attention skills, or communication skills to out the window when they're excited, or sleepy. OR the other way around, they're fiercely determined to get their way, but never by way of hurting someone else. The pattern = Hallmark of Character, just not necessarily bad character. The trick here would be looking at what they're ignoring, when, & how.. And deciding if that's something that you can live with, or not. Even if not abusive, and "just" obnoxious? Doesn't matter. You can break up over obnoxious. Just because you don't want it in your life. And that's fair.

- If this was early days in a relationship, it would bear watching, although I wouldn't equate it to a red flag... Yet. Yellow flag, perhaps. Same as the above, might just be part of their personality (in a completely non abusive way*); or the below, a fairly rare occurrence that never happens over anything major. Or it could be the first in the death of 10,000 cuts thing abusers do. Where each individual one may seem harmless, but added up its part of a systematic pattern of abuse.

- After 2 years this is the first time in memory it's happened? Congrats! You're dating a human who made a fairly minor** mistake. :D Maybe he was tired, or excited, or heard what he expected to hear, and then kept on for any of a hundred reasons... An accident of timing/circumstance, rather than hallmark of character, or intentional disrespect or lack of regard.

* While abusers tend to not take no for an answer? So do a lot of other perfectly awesome to harmlessly obnoxious people. It's one of those squares and rectangles kinds of things.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from a lawyer friend of mine who worked human rights cases (trafficking, torture, slavery, abduction, war crimes, all sorts of really lighthearted things) and needed a break so she got a job waitressing for a spell. During her interview apparently she blew everyone away and she's just sitting there looking at me afterward like :O_o: "I convince people find guilty or not guilty in death penalty cases... I THINK I can sell the fish!" She's one of those people for whom not taking no for an answer is hallmark of character... But not bad character. Everyone who is a fixture in her life? Is very well acquainted with the word "No." Because we have to use it a lot. When she wants something? Whether it's to save a life or go out strawberry picking 4 hours before the rest of us want to get up... She is incrediably persistent, persuasive, and will go to great lengths to achieve what she wants. In a demeaning, degrading, disrespectful, cruel, or abusive way? Nope. Never. Known her over 20 years. She'll give eloquent arguments, or hang onto your arm and bounce up and down saying please-please-please-please :D (no-no-no-no-no-no), she'll go ahead and BOOK the 4am trip and show up with coffee (I love you. Go away.)... And everything in between, but she'll never deliberately hurt someone. She will go to great lengths to get people to do what she wants them to do. It's just who she is. She's ALSO one of the kindest and most compassionate people on the planet.
 
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I agree with @EveHarrington When I read the title of this thread I assumed this was about sex. There are a lot of non sexual things this could apply to as well, where not respecting your no could cause a violation of trust. Your situation wouldn't make most people feel like there was a violation of trust. Now, with a background of past abuse, I can understand why you would feel that way, but I don't agree that it is a major violation nor is it a red flag.

Sometimes there are things that have to be discussed even when the other person doesn't want to discuss it. Sometimes those discussions can't wait. Finances are something that causes my husband to have anxiety. (I am the PTSD sufferer in the relationship btw) I empathize a lot with that anxiety and handle most of it my self and only bring it up when I absolutely have to and when I do I try to choose the best times. Sometimes, it just can't wait and if I respected my husbands nos regarding financial discussions every time he said he didn't want to talk about it, it could repercussions that could cause him more anxiety in the long run. Does that make me an abuser?

Your boyfriend may have felt that this was something that couldn't wait. He may not have been fully aware of your physical condition. He may have been afraid he would forget to tell you later. Ask him what his motivations were and what he was thinking at the time. It probably had less to do with him not respecting your know and more of a feeling that it was something important to discuss at that point in time.
 
You mentioned you were already feeling irritable when this happened. I fully understand that being ignored when you’ve said No is a potential trigger, but it could also be a stress cup thing. You were already on edge, and this tipped things over for you.

So, to work back from that, bringing the stress levels back down with some self care and self soothing activities may be helpful. And maybe take a look at what was going on for you that had you right on the edge before this happens? Is there something else going on that maybe needs addressing?

By the way you’ve described him, he sounds like a good egg. Maybe plan to talk about what it was that happened for you when he ignored your No? That might help prevent this happening again, and it may also help with your feeling safe with him again if you can talk it through.
 
Thanks for your replies. I know it may seem like a crazy reaction. My last relationship was with a guy for about two years as well, and he was kind and loving to me the whole time. Then, in the span of a few months he got a little too aggressive during sex, raged in a way that scared me, broke up with me, and when I asked him a month later if there was anything I did wrong so that I don't make the same mistake in my future relationships, he threatened to hit me while driving me home from a group hangout. My first sexual assualter/rapist gave zero warning signs the whole time I knew him, but didn't respect my no that I repeated 8 times, and raped me. My second sexual assault I should have seen coming. I'm so sensitive to the slightest changes because someone I knew very well transformed very quickly; it felt like the reaction was there for a reason.

You're right that my stress cup was full. My birthday was yesterday, and my abusive father found a way to contact me first thing in the morning. Then, in my discussion class there was a lot of talk about the rape depicted in the book.

I told my boyfriend when I was scared that I loved him and felt guilty for being scared, and that I was just triggered and didn't know what to do. In the morning, once my amygdala stopped freaking out I did see I overreacted and apologized a ton. I told him even if I feel scared, I'm willing to take a risk. He's still really depressed, and he gets silent when he's depressed. I'm feeling a lot of self-hatred, guilt, and shame. Oh well. Thanks a ton for helping me reality-check as much as is possible here. I probably just have to acknowledge that those events were beyond my control.
 
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