Sexual Assault Lots of changes triggering flashbacks

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Hello all,

I just need a place to put this that is safe. I started my first big boy salaried position today. Excellent pay, fun work, stuff I love to do, great coworkers. I had a great first day and even when I logged off for the day I was ready for the next (it's remote too!! woohoo!!). I logged off around 5pm and something slowly, slowly started building where by 9pm I was having full body and sensory flashbacks of past rapes from my abusive ex boyfriend. I haven't really had flashbacks this bad in a while, maybe one day I'm sure is the anniversary date of the first time. This time was so bad tho, and I don't remember what happened, but just I feel like I'm remembering it and it's awful. From June-October I have multiple anniversary dates of rough trauma but most of them I don't actually remember until I'm having flashbacks (coercion through drugs/alcohol).

Don't really know what caused it or triggered to be honest at this point, I'm trying to trace it back to soothe myself but I've been losing it all night. I don't want to sleep in my bed either because even though it's a different bed, 990 miles from where my sexual abuses happened, it still feels like it's happening when I lay down. Luckily I can start a little later to work tomorrow if I want. I've just been doing things to make myself feel soothed to try to bring myself down but it's so, so hard. I'm proud of how I've handled it it just sucks because I wanted to celebrate and feel good about my first day of work work.


Policy Enforcement
I’m so sorry. I know there’s a phenomenon where as soon as life is “good” our brains are like hell no I don’t trust this and here’s why. I don’t remember if there’s a name for it but I know I’ve had it. Where as soon as it’s good I’m either remembering why it’s really not or sheer panic and must get out before it gets me.


Ugh. So sorry this is happening to you. I get the same type of flashbacks at random times. It can be a fantastic day and out of not where I will have body flashbacks. I hope you have someone who can help through this. I found therapy very useful. I still get flashbacks but I can manage them. For years I was able to cope the skills I gained in therapy.

you should be really proud of yourself new job. It isn’t fair to have your past mar this experience but you can do it. :)
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