Loving mother who triggers me daily, How to address?

I learned a few years ago I have C-PTSD from an unlikely situation. My mom is a very loving gentle person, who (I can only assume) has unresolved trauma that caused hallucinations in my childhood. To the extent of speaking openly about them to crowded rooms, starting in my toddler years. The rest of my family also apparently saw spirits and I decided to leave my body, and intellectualize & avoid life. Later, I had a “big T”, which complicated things more.

Long story short-ish… I had to own I was trying to soothe my mom and also via female friends of mine over the years. I’m grateful I knew to not literally have a “savior complex” (my big T includes survivor guilt) and it has shown as anger towards women who seemingly don’t take my well being into account, due to walls built by trauma. I say this as a woman who did this to men for many years without realizing it, and now exploring my queer-ness later in life.

The problem I’m running into is, my mom sends me very long daily texts that don’t leave the door open for me. I’ve had a conversation in the past with her and I could tell she tried to add a “and how are you?” But I legit think she’s just not there in her own recovery, which is fine.

What is an issue is I’m Re traumatized daily and leave my body every time I see the text, feel guilty for not reading and honestly, sometimes the texts include things that I legit need to know, so not reading them also feels like not an option.

This is probably a strange scenario (or maybe know as I know many others have mother wounds & intergenerational trauma) and also curious what/if any tips people have when they are triggered by folks they love in this way?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i've heard the tale many times in my own healing circles. it seems to be a pretty common trait of family dysfunction cycles my mother was not available to me, so my own rendition was on the other extreme of living with the black hole where parents **should** have been. that scenario, too, is pretty common. i don't care to do the research, but i often wonder if the 2 scenarios run 50/50 in that insidious family dysfunction cycle. may the circle one day be broken.

i often wonder if it is a similar phenom to receive these kinds of texts from middle aged sons. yes, dear, i know i am "toxic mom" personified. you missed a spot in your polishing of my toxic mom throne. maybe i **deserve** this treatment for my sins of parenting with mental illness, but it still hurts like a daddy f*ck. sonny f*ck?

i lean heavily on my therapy support network to manage the results of these harshly judgmental texts. i love you, too, my sons.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know if I'm bringing too much of my own stuff into my reply, so do ignore if it feels or comes across like I am.
Your post made me think about where you fit in this and what you want, as it sounds like you are a carer for your mum and that is too much for you?
Do you really need to know stuff in those texts, or do you feel responsible for her and that responsibility is making you put her needs before your own?
Daily long texts sound overwhelming.

Wonder if there is a way of allowing yourself to block the texts and only read them once a week or twice a week at time that works for you? Rather than seeing them when they come in and it triggering you?
 
Hi All — I’ve since asked the mods to delete my post because I was able to understand it was more about me being neurodivergent & not sure how to share my needs with my mom between that & the baggage. Luckily, I was able to gather my thoughts and share in “I statement” ways that the texts hinder my healing. It helped that we had the convo before and I was able to share more openly this time. Happy to say it turned out very well and my mom understood & agreed to not texting. I also let her know I know she loves me and just knowing that replaces the texts. It’s both true & something that I think helped ease any pain involved.
 
I don't know if I'm bringing too much of my own stuff into my reply, so do ignore if it feels or comes across like I am.
Your post made me think about where you fit in this and what you want, as it sounds like you are a carer for your mum and that is too much for you?
Do you really need to know stuff in those texts, or do you feel responsible for her and that responsibility is making you put her needs before your own?
Daily long texts sound overwhelming.

Wonder if there is a way of allowing yourself to block the texts and only read them once a week or twice a week at time that works for you? Rather than seeing them when they come in and it triggering you?
@Movingforward10 Thank you for this, too. I shared a “silver lining” follow up and your feedback was very validating because there is still a sense of caring for her needs more than my own. It was hard to navigate sharing my feelings delicately in that respect and being able to connect with peers around that very real feeling is appreciated. ❤️🙏🏻💫
 
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