Loving Sex And Flashbacks / Intrusive Thoughts

[mightsurvive]

Hmmm - im so frustrated.

I love hubby so much and ever since my amnesia went away about my trauma i always thought that r**e and sex with my husband werent the same thing and couldnt even be compared so i never had any flash backs or intrusive thoughts during love making.

But that is starting to change now and i dont know why. All i can think of is "i dont want this" But its not sex with my hubby that i dont want - its the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts during it. Does that make sense? Does to me anyway. But i dont want to stop having sex with hubby because i love him and know he loves me even if he does think im a nutter. I'm scared of losing him though if i let this take over my life - which it already is doing - but especially when making love.

I guess the only way to stop me from wanting to avoid sex with hubby and therefore the flash backs / intrusive thoughts is to deal with things but its never going to happen quick enough for it to prevent me from losing hubby. And i cant cope without him. I wouldnt be in this world if it wasnt for him. So right not i just feel despairing at any thoughts for the future. Either i have to put up with the flash backs during sex or i will lose him. Either way im the loser agian.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry just had to get that out.

 

[morgan]

Do you think maybe that you might be jumping to conclusions about losing him? Is your whole relationship based on sex? Sometimes communication is very helpful. Does he know about what happened to you? Perhaps he would be patient, understanding and compassionate if you asked him to.
These are just my thoughts on the matter. I don't know your husband or situation.
As you get better at grounding yourself, your sex life might improve. I hope so anyway.
Good luck to you and take care, Morgan

 

[Marlene]

I had the same problem with my husband and making love. It took me days to work up the courage to tell him what was going on with me. He told me he knew something was wrong, but didn't know exactly what. Being honest with him about what I was feeling and going through was the best thing. We were able to work things out where if I was feeling 'off' or if memories were pushing through I could tell him and we could stop until I felt better. And also he knew that certain things he did triggered this and stopped doing them.

Like Morgan said, there's more to your relationship with your partner than just sex. If you need to stop being intimate for a while until you're in a better place, be honest with your husband and let him know. Talk, be open and honest. It's the way to get through all of this. And just because being intimate is the last thing you want at the moment doesn't mean you're going to lose your husband. You're looking at the worst and making it your reality.

Lisa

 

[mightsurvive]

Thanks for both of your posts.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been through this too Lisa but glad to know that he was understanding.

He does know about what happened to me but cant understand why im letting it bother me. Easy for him to say i guess.

I was honest with him about something else yesterday and had to face rejection so i just cant face being honest with him again at the moment because im worried hell react the same again.

And i suppose i am only looking at what could go wrong - again maybe because it did yesterday. I guess i just have to either get used to the flash backs or work up the courage to tell him. The last thing i want him to think is that he reminds me of what happened though. I want to protect him from that.

Yes, you are right, our relationship is not just about sex, thank goodness but i get paranoid and start thinking that he wont love me if things arent ok. Paranoia is a big part of how i feel most of the time. Its not just the sex that isnt the same though - im spending more time on trying to write my diary, posting on here etc to try and get myself better than i am with him and that sadens me. But its something i have to do. It just means that hes not used to me spending so little time with him and i just think that theres only so much of this he can take. I dont know. I guess soemtimes its easier to assume the worst becasue then you dont get dissappointed.

But maybe one day i will try to talk to him about it. Going to ask the counsellor to help me learn to ground myself better and see if that helps.

Thank you both for your replies. It does help.
Tanke care

 

[madjon]

best advice i can give on that one is talk be honest and there may be some hurt feelings and you both may find it difficult to do, but talking and honesty are the best way forward, hiding things and not communicating means neither of you know whats up and you have a lot more confusion and stuff then.

 

[WorkingThruIt]

I wish I had some advice for you, but I am also in a similar situation. I can't deal with anyone touching me sometimes, especially when I feel stressed or if I think they may be mad at me. My girlfriend is trying to understand, but finds it all very frustrating. We had the argument about it last night because I didn't want to have sex (again!). I wish there was a better way to explain it without hurting her feelings. There is not really a nice way to tell her that touching me makes my brain scream "No! No! Danger!".

 

[yaya17]

I'm in the same boat. I almost feel like I'm being unfaithful to my boyfriend when those awful flashbacks come back. And I feel guilty for having the flashbacks during sex...I feel "dirty" and "sick" and it's really hard to fight...after, I scold myself for having had the thoughts even though I don't want them....

I'm glad we're not alone in this, at least.

 

[mightsurvive]

TRue madjon. So true. I know you are right. Just have to think about how i might find the courage to do that. Might take a while lol. I hate dishonesty so point take.
Take care

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Workingthoughit

I'm so sorry you are having problems with this too. I guess its an issue for a lot of us. If i work out how to tell my hubby and i have any success then ill let you know.

My new counsellor has said that it might be useful to bring hubby to a session so that he can see how and why this affects me. I think it would laso help to have hubby hear it come from someone else so that he knows its not normal. Maybe that is an option for you. I dont know. It isnt for me as i only ahve 6 sessions with her and thats not going to be enough to get me better as it is let alone help our sex life.

Hope things get better for you
Take care

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya yaya17

Those feelings are so familiar Glad to know im not alone in that but at the same time i wish noone to feel like that if you know what i mean. A member of this site told me about EMDR that aparently helps big time with the flash backs. So im going to ask my new counsellor about it. Maybe that will help.

Take care

 

[dljwhitewolf]

Like I've said before, when I'm feeling like just a physical receptical, I stop immediately.
Yes, I discuss my problem, and things have worked out, or if it didn't, I quickly put on my walking shoes.
Single again in NC, and that's just fine with me....lol
Donna-Lynne

 

[Don]

coping while recovering

..... i never had any flash backs or intrusive thoughts during love making.

But that is starting to change now and i dont know why. All i can think of is "i dont want this" But its not sex with my hubby that i dont want - its the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts during it. ........ I'm scared of losing him though if i let this take over my life - which it already is doing - but especially when making love.

I guess the only way to stop me from wanting to avoid sex with hubby and therefore the flash backs / intrusive thoughts is to deal with things but its never going to happen quick enough for it to prevent me from losing hubby.

And, worrying about it as an issue may be worsening the problem.

So I'm wondering if a couple of steps might help matters:

One would be to improve communications, perhaps by keeping open diaries about each of your perspectives on this issue; and/or having a weekly review / open talk session scheduled, just about this issue [it's tiring to have something that's ongoing and irregular, scheduling a discussion for a definite time is more orderly and can be far less wearing on both of you].

Two might be to have some sort of clear 'warning system' or 'safety valve' that would give you advance notice of when he's seeing this as disturbing enough that it's really getting to him. It's the "not knowing" that tends to get to us, and we tend to worry too much, perhaps figuring that's safer than worrying too little.

Hmm, I don't know, maybe this sounds ridiculous, but perhaps a relationship scoring system by both of you, perhaps just jotted on a calendar, as to how either of you feel the relationship as a whole is doing from time to time, perhaps scored between 1 to 100, with say, '70' being a solid pass.

You're right in that if he doesn't manage regular enough sexual release with you, eventually (months? years?) that'll end up being a huge deal that could well contribute largely to his leaving. And yes, 'progress' in your recovery is likely to stir up sensitivities (hopefully transient), that will interfere with you two.

Perhaps there's an alternative activity the two of you could practice in the meantime that would suffice to ride over this rough patch, like heavy petting or activities just not quite so close to the earlier trauma.

For the male, sexual release is simpler, and just ejaculating in a fun fashion might soon enough suffice and be perceived as 80-90% as good as the real thing, (or not -- it would help if he understood the reasoning, and that it's an interim approach). It would be a major switch, but what helps here with us is that a novel approach has merit and can be exciting for it's own sake, which helps to transition such an approach. What the heck, you might even combine it with some 'novelties' (like a wig or a French maid outfit and perhaps 'toys'). Worth a try, imo.

Don