Sufferer Lynxx's Autobiography - I endured, sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, psychological abuses for over 20 years.

Lynxx

New Here
Hi everyone,

I'm not the greatest when it comes to introductions. A friend of mine shared this website/forum with me and thought it might be helpful to share here.
I am 33 years old. At the age of 28 I was diagnosed four years ago with PTSD (although I believe its more complex), Major depression Disorder, Social and General Anxieties, and Stockholm Syndrome. I was only began treatment and was diagnosed after my main abuser passed away suddenly from cardiac arrest. Before that I wasn't allowed to interact or speak to any professional. I was simply a prisoner inside the four walls with my father ( the abuser). My mother was a silent bystander, who did not assist in helping what so ever. She just let it continue. I endured, sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, psychological abuses for over 20 years.

I struggle daily with triggers, anxiety and flashbacks the most. I try to push through my depression every day. I feel the inability to move forward although I really want too. I have a difficult expressing how I feel or showing emotion because I either feel numb or blocked. Interacting with people is a huge barrier for me but i try to do my best when i need too. I have been seeing a therapist off and on. Currently I am just seeing a psychiatrist who prescribes medications. I take what I need when i feel things are getting out of control. I am afraid I will become dependent on the meds.

I hope this forum with help me better understand and relate to the struggles I face. I realize the scars will remain for a lifetime but I am hopeful that somehow someday things will be a little bit brighter. Wishing you all the best on your journey. Stay Strong! 💪

Sarah
 

internal

Sponsor
your story is something that i can relate with a lot.

when i escaped my circumstances i had absolutely zero social skills. an animal in human form. what other people had taken for granted is normal. i had no concept of that. people thought i was sociopathic. and creepy. or autistic. and some times they still think all of those things.

i apologize for monpolizing your thread. i had just wished to say that you are not alone at all. it took many years for me to gain a semblance of emotional normalcy. that i was not flat and dead in effect. the emotions and things will come with time.

you are very welcome here and this is a great start to telling your truth. 🫂
 

Lynxx

New Here
your story is something that i can relate with a lot.

when i escaped my circumstances i had absolutely zero social skills. an animal in human form. what other people had taken for granted is normal. i had no concept of that. people thought i was sociopathic. and creepy. or autistic. and some times they still think all of those things.

i apologize for monpolizing your thread. i had just wished to say that you are not alone at all. it took many years for me to gain a semblance of emotional normalcy. that i was not flat and dead in effect. the emotions and things will come with time.

you are very welcome here and this is a great start to telling your truth. 🫂
I feel very alien-like in society and even among my own family members. No one truly knows everything I've gone through. When I told my mom about the first instance of sexual abuse from my father, she just brushed it off. Ever since that time I promised myself to keep everything a secret, because it didn't matter and no one cared.
Now that I'm open to talking to a counselor about it and sharing my story. It's difficult because I've repressed a lot of things, emotions, I even have a difficult time thinking for myself. I honestly know nothing about myself. I'm trying to discover who I am as an individual. I feel so counterfeit.
 

Lionheart

Sponsor
Welcome @Lynxx,

I have been a long-time member here and it has been my experience that this is a great place for healing... it is full of understanding, compassionate, and generous people, accurate information, and support. Join in the conversations as you feel comfortable. I hate that you have suffered, but it's my hope that you will heal with us here. And don't worry if you seem a stranger to yourself right now, that will likely change for the better and you will discover more about yourself as you go along, especially if you stay on a healing path. I look forward to seeing ya around the forums. Have a good day/afternoon/evening/night.

Lionheart
 

Empty Shell

Confident
Hi everyone,

I'm not the greatest when it comes to introductions. A friend of mine shared this website/forum with me and thought it might be helpful to share here.
I am 33 years old. At the age of 28 I was diagnosed four years ago with PTSD (although I believe its more complex), Major depression Disorder, Social and General Anxieties, and Stockholm Syndrome. I was only began treatment and was diagnosed after my main abuser passed away suddenly from cardiac arrest. Before that I wasn't allowed to interact or speak to any professional. I was simply a prisoner inside the four walls with my father ( the abuser). My mother was a silent bystander, who did not assist in helping what so ever. She just let it continue. I endured, sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, psychological abuses for over 20 years.

I struggle daily with triggers, anxiety and flashbacks the most. I try to push through my depression every day. I feel the inability to move forward although I really want too. I have a difficult expressing how I feel or showing emotion because I either feel numb or blocked. Interacting with people is a huge barrier for me but i try to do my best when i need too. I have been seeing a therapist off and on. Currently I am just seeing a psychiatrist who prescribes medications. I take what I need when i feel things are getting out of control. I am afraid I will become dependent on the meds.

I hope this forum with help me better understand and relate to the struggles I face. I realize the scars will remain for a lifetime but I am hopeful that somehow someday things will be a little bit brighter. Wishing you all the best on your journey. Stay Strong! 💪

Sarah
Hi Sarah. I understand your feelings of inabilities to move forward. I don’t know how to use this site - hardly at all - and i’d like you to know you’re not alone. I am so sorry for your experience in life. If you aren’t angry, it’s amazing, but I think that comes with time. You are exactly half my age. My PTSD started at 5 with abuse from grandfather. I allowed him to set the trajectory for my life. Not in a good way. I hope you feel no guilt in any way with the abuser who died how he should. (I’m angry and yes it shows).

I am with an abuser - he’s been very clever - I realized he’s a full on narcissist about 4 yrs ago. (I feel stupid for not knowing what a narcissist was).

Here’s the thing. I GOT A JOB. I have to repeat that! I GOT A JOB. I passed my background check which drove me to drink just trying to fill it out. I looked up my criminal history and cringed. I literally didn’t remember how many things took place. I was being abused w the rapist father of my child and when he got “OWNERSHIP OF HIS BOY” - his words, I closed up. Shut down. Checked out of life and have been that way for 20 years. Pure pain. Lots of wine. Crying every single day I swear. I was - and still am very depressed. It’s a way of life. I try to say, “What can I be thankful for?” It’s difficult.

HE ISN’T AWARE I HAVE A JOB. I have done this all behind his back. I’m tired of the put-downs, even though before we got married he lied about his great finances and how I wouldn’t have to worry about finances, and now my worries are his daughter who hates me, screws w me - but now I’m aware of her lies and manipulations - going through my things when I’m at work. She will do it. She already has. She exchanged my beautiful endless hoop earrings that I’ve had 40 years for some cheap ones I’ve never seen in my life.

I have to protect myself. I’m taping all my boxes with marks so I can see they’ve been opened.

I don’t know if anything I’m saying is helping or hurting you. I hope help.
I HAVE A JOB. I HAVE BEEN ISOLATED FOR 20 YEARS.I’M TERRIFIED INTERACTING W PEOPLE BUT WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE? It’s in a retail store!!!! Interactions galore.

I have to learn to fake it. Continue to remind myself to stay in the moment. IN THE MOMENT.

I would love to say - leave the past behind - look forward. But I know the past doesn’t always creep up but is right there! Right now! And it’s terrifying.

I’ve lived fight or flight since 5 years old. 48+ years of steady therapy and meds. They just listen. Over and over. Cha-Ching! I’ve bought many waterfront places, unfortunately they aren’t mine. They belong to the “therapists”.

I love you and you are important. After so many years of abuse I get it. My mom didn’t step in either. My dad gave the dirty old man the green light - I know because I was 5 and can’t forget what happened. It all hurts.

I’m so sorry for your experiences in life up to this point. You have people on this site who do understand. Just knowing you’re not alone may help a little. I hope it helps a lot. You are young. You have time to save yourself, and have some decent years! Hang in there and keep journaling (which is what I consider this since I don’t really know how to use it.)

PS. Just went up to use the bathroom and here he is in bed with his phone opened to porn. It’s my fault he’s addicted to it you see. The insults, the put downs, the know it all attitude, the BLAMING!!!, the bellowing, calling me lazy. How can I get in the mood. I don’t know. I need to be drunk to have sex. It’s a 5 yr old thing. That’s what he did. He destroyed my ability to have a normal relationship of any kind.
 
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