Made Another Attempt

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I haven't posted on here frequently since my last attempt at the end of February this year, I've been pretty absent except to read posts, but more recently I've just been absent period. I had a lot of negative events happen one right after another. Losing my car because a coverage I paid for wasn't going to cover my payments when I couldn't work, court dates, absent social worker, not coming out to family or friends yet... I wasn't doing ok, I tried to help myself any way I could think of. There is a huge problem (at least in my city) with hospitals turning people away when they come into the ER stating they feel suicidal. I had gone into the ER on 3 separate occasions telling them I felt suicidal and that I had an active plan, and also that I wanted help. On all three occasions I was sent home without talking to a single mental health professional.

An hour before I overdosed I called a local distress line, I got through the first time, I asked for the crisis team to be sent out to my house, they were busy and said to call back in 10 minutes. So I waited, I held off taking anything and called back, this time I got a pre-recorded message saying they didn't have any available people and to try again in a few minutes. I called around 10 times before I gave up calling. I couldn't take it anymore so I started to take everything I had in the house. After I took everything I called a nurses line for my province just to talk to someone while I died, I didn't want to die without saying goodbye to someone (I don't know why), I forgot that I had called earlier in the month to ask a question about mixing certain meds safely and that they had my new address (I thought they had my old one across town), while I was talking to the nurse she had someone else at the centre send an ambulance to my place.

I remember getting into the ambulance and only part way down the major road near me, and then I was out. I only remember waking up once in three days and that was to try to get up and go pee, but the nurses wouldn't let me because I was catheterized. I don't remember being transferred to the other hospital that has the mental health ward. I was out of it for the next day or two. I started having seizures at night time, they would hurt so bad it woke me up after. I was in the ER at the second hospital for a week before a bed opened up on the mental health ward. I didn't get any help other than meds for that entire week. While I was in the mental health ward my meds were increased drastically. I was already taking 60mg of Cymbalta before I was admitted, but the put me on Seroquil 3 times a day, Clonazepam 2 times a day, 6mg of Ativan, and 100mg of Trazadone at bedtime. I was doped up, excessively medicated. They treated me like I was a 250lb linebacker, not a 24 year old, small woman.

They ended up discharging me early but messed up my prescription. I didn't notice until I tried to fill it that it was missing the benzo meds (so I could wean off of them), and it was missing the second page (pharmacies turned it down because of that). I ended up going off of all the meds except Cymbalta cold turkey, I felt like a drug addict for almost 5 days. I went back to the ER several times to try and get the script fixed or get a temporary small amount of meds to get me through until the psychiatrist was back to work to fix the prescription. I was sent home all 3 times, 2 out of the 3 times I wasn't even allowed to see a doctor. So I suffered through the shakes, the pukes, and the intense anxiety and inability to sleep. The seizures worsened during those days. Finally I found a pharmacy who accepted the prescription after I told them everything I tried to get it fixed.

I got a phone call from the courts on Monday letting me know the trial dates for the sexual assault by a stranger from July of this year. The pre-trial and trial are all going to happen in the next 3 to 5 months (new year). My therapist decided to work with me pro bono because of my financial situation right now, I cried. It's very expensive and I pay out of pocket to see her every week. My social worker quit on me via text message the day after I was discharged from hospital, I sent a very angry message back basically swearing at her. Because I swore at her I was kicked out from the Nurse Practitioner clinic I saw her through, so now I have to locate a new family doctor asap. I'm being sent in for a CT scan of my brain for the seizures and being referred to a neurologist. I don't know what was done to me in hospital other than being catheterized so I need to get those medical records, because they will be important.

I had an extreme suicidal evening after I got kicked out of my Nurse Practitioner clinic, I was ready to make another attempt some other way. I didn't that evening. I'm struggling, I hurt every morning I wake up because of the seizures at night time. I'm miserable right now. Been out of hospital one week as of today. Hope this rant makes sense.

You wrote everything very clearly. Are the seizures from your suicide attempt or have you had them before? I'm just wondering because I know that if I combined certain medications, I would get seizures.

This whole experience sounds horrible. Honestly, it doesn't sound like the hospital was very helpful, other than getting you medically stable (minus the seizures). I'm glad that you are alive, even though life sucks right now. What has helped you in the past when you were suicidal?


I've missed you around here, and wondered how you were doing. I was hoping your absence meant that all was well. Sorry to hear that wasn't the case. Please take care of yourself!


@radicalgratitude, I didn't start having the seizures until after the overdose, and it was before they started me on all the new medications. The hospital wasn't helpful, the other patients were, some of the groups they made available were helpful too. I exhausted all my resources before attempting suicide, I did everything I knew to do and it didn't help or made things worse.

@scout86, I've missed you guys too. Trying to take care of myself, thank goodness for phenomenal people like my T - I don't know what I would do without her.


That you followed instructions and waited to call back is very telling (to me, at least), making it sound like a cry for help to get out of hopelessness instead of an actual attempt to end your life.

When I struggled with similar thoughts last year I finally realized that I was feeling like I was due to hopelessness. As I felt trapped within it, the only option seemed to go.

Perhaps if you can see the repeated calls and waiting in between them a cry for help as I do (from what you wrote), too? Wanting to talk to someone in that state often can mean you don't want to do it, but just want someone to be there and make it all go away.

Be gentle on yourself, okay?


@bell, if it was a cry for help I would have emailed my T who I knew would "rescue" me from that situation, or called her. I followed instructions because I wanted someone to give me a resource to help me not feel that way anymore - which is also why I went to the hospital several times before and told them I was suicidal and needed help. The only reason help was sent out to me is because I forgot that the nurses line service had my new address, when I called to talk to them I believed they still had my old one and any attempt to send emergency services to me would fail. I honestly wanted to hear someones voice and say goodbye so that eventually they would find my body and it wouldn't rot in my apartment. If I hadn't called it could have been weeks before someone got concerned enough by my lack of communication to have someone check on me.


I need to tell myself often that what I want is relief from the pain and suffering, and dying always seems like the only option left. The key word is "seems". It is the hardest thing in the world to have that ceiling crashing down on you, and reach out to the systems that are supposedly there to help, and have them fall apart right beneath you.

Try and remember that you want relief, not oblivion. That if you could feel free of the weight of all this shit, you'd be OK with still walking the earth.

Can you get your therapist to be a little more "on call" for you? After I ended up having a few horrible calls to the hotlines I told my therapist I just wasn't going to use them again. It would take so much just to be brave enough to call, and then they'd be the opposite of helpful. Or not pick up. That's when my therapist and I made a safety contract and part of that is I need to call him, and we have to talk, before I can actually take action against myself. It's worked really, really well.

I don't know if your therapist would do something like that with you, even in the short term so that you know you have someone you can count on.

If you haven't yet, you need to clear the house of any other drugs; if you take medication, only have one weeks' supply on hand at a time, put the rest somewhere else. Do whatever other safety-proofing you need to. It might feel foolish, but it's better to have nothing in the house that you can use - because, as you know, sometimes impulse control just doesn't kick in, and it only takes five minutes of that to make a huge mistake.

Keep posting here too.


@mytai I am so sorry that you went through all this. But I too am glad you failed.

I remember only too well the hopeless feeling of despair, and the 'waiting to die'. I cuddled my teddy at that time and said goodbye to him.

But we are both here. I am sure you are not out of the woods yet, but use your T as much as you need to. You have demonstrated very clearly how the ER system let you down. Do you have a back-up plan for support now? My T's advice was quite simple -'tell someone!'. But I know you tried - with the crisis line and ER. Can you identify someone that you would tell that actually knows you?


I am sorry you have been going through this and super angry at the way you have been treated by not just one, but numerous health care providers.

I remember quitting all of my meds cold turkey so I know how bad that is and how difficult it is to overcome. I hope the seizures are a temporary thing and that someone provides you with the help you deserve.

I'm glad you are posting here and at least getting some support, keep strong, I know you can and I have seen your fighting spirit.

Try to remind yourself that you are worth it and be gentle with yourself.



@mytai , I've been trying to think of something "helpful" to say, and I'm lost. Just wanted you to know that I'm worried for you and care what happens to you. It scares me to think that the outcome of a life and death situation can come down to the random luck of who's working on a given shift. I know that's "reality", but I really hate the idea.

Keep taking care of yourself!
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