MDD Major depressive disorder


I have been seeing my psychiatrist in 2017, I was seeing him with my head looking down completely, I never looked at his face during the entire session with him. I was in deep depression, because of my chronic trauma and abuse history. There was another time a psychiatric nurse came to my home by emergency, I was looking down completely during the entire time with him. I was sitting at the corner of my bed. He commented that he never seen anyone as traumatized as me during his entire 15 years of career.

I collapsed at the hospital's corridor, waiting an appointment for my psychiatrist. I was sitting on the ground, with both of my legs bent sideways, holding my other upper arm tightly and looking down completely for an hour. I was crying loudly. There was a nurse who came to my side and said that she hears my hurt and pain and asked me whether I need a teddy.


I almost never looked at my T when talking about my childhood abuse, even up to the end of therapy after five years. It was involuntary. Sometimes as an exercise for myself I would try and maybe look at her head or her knees. My T said it didn’t matter if I looked at her or even had my eyes open because my body heard my voice.