Making a claim on my Father's Estate - struggling - need advice and suggestions.

ms spock

When my Father died I thought it wouldn't have much effect on me. And on the surface that seemed to be true.

Unfortunately this was not the case. I have really lost my shit in some ways. My eating is out of control. I gained back all the weight I lost and I didn't f*cking care. After all that f*cking hard work I didn't f*cking care. My anxiety is really high. I am having a lot panic attacks. I am having nightmares. My anxiety is really high. I am so over reactive. I am all over the place. I delay going to bed because of the fear of rape. I am safe right now but I f*cking don't feel it one tiny little bit. I am so back home with my family.

It was a shame that Papa Bear died when he did and I did spend weeks 24/7 in hospital and caring for him at the Nursing Home. As he was deaf there were multiple complications along with the dementia. I did a really good job in looking after him. I stayed with him all the time. I advocated what he wanted. I stood up in really difficult situations and stood my ground because I didn't want to let him down. It took a lot out of me. I was really good. I was on the ball. I really covered all the bases, even realising that each change of shift meant a whole new education of his needs and abilities to the new staff. When he said he was in so much pain he wanted to die I went into bat and stood up to authority figures. I was really good. The bounce back and the reverberations are really intense.

My partner B, suffers from depression, anxiety and he has been so ill. We have had multiple hospital visits, ambulances and some operations. The next one is in February and we have to wait until then. He isn't good. He is also just not doing anything. It's annoying, but I have had offered him advice and it's best to say nothing now. There's no point. So I try to focus on what he did right or a thing he did for me that is positive and I just focus on talking about that. Because I want to be emotionally safe for him to be around. It's not his fault that is depressed and struggling when I lost my PTSD shite. If he behaved like an adult it would help but you know that's not goingto happen right now and I am very lucky to have a partner like I have. Though it's challenging at times. I am so lucky. He sees all my crazy shit. I have been walking around in maladaptive daydreaming talking to imaginary other folks and he just lets me be. He puts up with my crazy. I also do take very good care of him as well.

So despite this I did teach today and I am networking around a part time job for this year. I am dealing with Crazy Lady 85 and basically I outlasted Crazy Lady 65 but it's f*cking really tough. Crazy Lady 65 was waiting for me so she could bitch about me so I just stayed until Crazy Lady 85 left. Crazy Lady 65 is manipulative, vicious, aggressive and a real pain in the arse. She is an administrative staff but she thinks she can bully the teachers. She has been bullying Crazy Lady 85 for years. Anyway I didn't respond to her ridiculous statements. I agreed wholeheartedly with Crazy Lady 85 but I just kept packing everything up so Crazy Lady 65 isn't required on Friday. And so I won this round. I will lose others but I won this round for when I teach on Friday. So I did a great job with the kids and managing multiple levels of differentiation for a wide range of abilities. So then I got ready for Friday. And that was very challenging with the B/S that is going on.

I also been dealing with burnt animals from the fires and being on the Hotlines and rescuing. That's tough as well. So I got on the Hotline when I got home because folks are so tired and I stuff up my time with my psychiatrist and anyway I got to talk to her. So I f*cked up and I wish I hadn't done that.

So then I went to be one with the nerds. The nerds are awesome and I am at one with the nerds within. But I came home early as I needed to write this down- the page about my Father. His impact on my life has been catastrophic.

But anyway I don't think this spiral will stop until I make a stand and do something about my Father's estate. I wasn't going to do it but f*ck I can't go on like this I am a mess. It's an unravelling or something. I don't what the f*ck it is. Probably what my psychiatrist said I didn't get the acknowledgement or the apology and part of me was hanging for that even though my conscious mind didn't care. But I do care. I must care a lot because f*ck I am a goddamned mess.

Anyway I don't really read or contribute around the forums like I used to or answer threads. I think all the people that came through when I did pretty much got well as they could and then went off to have lives, stumbling as they are at times. Anyways for the folks that do know me and yes I am asking for direct validation again even though @Ronin gave it to me and I spacked out. What would you write about my Father?

I wrote a page and maybe that's enough.

I don't know anymore but I have to write something. I am going to see a solicitor tomorrow. I don't want to have to say anything much I want to write it down tonight.

I am not doing too badly for how badly I am going, if you know what I mean. I am really struggling but I made it to work today. It's a really part time part time job but I turned up and dealt with the crappiness of someone who really is borderline and misadagnosed who has PTSD and Complex Trauma. It was shitty dealing with her but I did it despite being emotionally in a fairly compromised way.

But I am self sabotaging, and it's not good.

I would not end my life but I wanted to make the point that if I knew the never ending pain and suffering that I would go through without my sisters and brothers and ostracised from my family that I would have stayed there and just be killed by him along with my sisters and brothers and my Mother because then the pain would have ended.
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I know you know this, but just to validate it - that's a very very large list of stressors you are living with. It's more than understandable that you feel like things are just spiraling out all over the place. Try and breathe for a minute.

A suggestion of how to get a little bit of distance from the negative thoughts and feelings you're suffering from right now

(1) List out all the things. Everything that is in your world right now, both the things you ARE doing, and the things hanging over your head as "to-do"s. Based on your post above, I think your list would look something like:
  • Going to work and getting through it
  • Keeping up with the networking for future employment
  • Doing the hotline for the fires
  • Helping with animal rescue and recovery
  • Support B
  • Spend time with the nerds
  • Dealing with Father's estate
  • Dealing with eating habits
  • Grieving for papa B
  • battle with anxiety symptoms
  • not being able to sleep
  • fears about rape resurfacing
  • medication management
  • journaling/writing on the forum
  • giving support to others on the board
  • see psychiatrist
  • take time to relax
  • get exercise
........I'm sure that's not everything, and some might be wrong, but hopefully this helps give you a sense of what I mean.

(2) Sort the things into two categories. Those categories are 'essential/daily things' and 'future things'.

As an example: if I was doing this exercise with my own life, something like medication management would be an essential, daily thing, along with taking care of my cats. I would choose right now to consider going to therapy an essential thing. Just remember that this is an exercise, and you can choose to deem things essential, or not. It's totally up to you.

If you aren't confident it's essential, then just put it in the 'future things' pile. For example, if this were my exercise, I'd (also) have networking on my list. It feels essential right now, but is it actually essential? I'll ask myself: Have I been avoiding it, pushing it off? (yes) How time-sensitive is it, can it wait? (Well, I might not want it later - in fact I know I don't, because I want to reap the results of it now - but it can happen later, and those results can happen later, too. Yes, it can wait)

You'll have two piles. And with the things in the future can decide which things you want to add to your plate. Everything else? All those things are going to wait. And when you have gotten a handle on those things you decided to address first - maybe they are single tasks that can be completed and done, or maybe they are things that are no longer causing you trouble, or maybe something changes (a break from work, say)...basically, when you can make space for some more cards to go into your essentials pile - then those things you've put aside, you can pick them up. Not all at once. Just what you can handle.

The most important thing is to accept that some parts of life can sit. They can wait. While they are sitting and waiting, your only job is to leave them alone.
But anyway I don't think this spiral will stop until I make a stand and do something about my Father's estate. I wasn't going to do it but f*ck I can't go on like this I am a mess. It's an unravelling or something. I don't what the f*ck it is.
I don't think that has to be the thing that goes into the essential pile. You can stop the spiral by stopping the overload. To use stress cup analogy - it doesn't necessarily matter which thing is causing the overflow, the important thing is to make room in the cup. And, some things take up more space than others.

Last example: I'm struggling with some physical stuff right now, and some of it involves eating. I'm also struggling with a bunch of other things. There's a very specific way I want to be eating, but it is hard for me to get started. If I can accept that I am not going to try and start that right now - that I need to have some space open up in order to add it to the daily pile. I do have space opening up, actually: a chunk of days off work coming up. And enacting this eating plan will help drain some other stressors from my current cup. So: instead of beating myself up about not being on the plan, or worrying about it, or feeling shame, guilt, etc...I'm going to put it aside for right now, knowing that I will pick it up later.

Nothing about this is going to sound new to you - it's all about some mindfulness basics. What might help, though, is to use the cards as a tool to put these stressors outside yourself for an hour or two, so you can assess what is for right now, and what is going to wait. When it's waiting, let it alone.

I know, that's a lot. While I'm writing this to you, I'm writing it to myself at the same time - because things feel like they are coming apart at the seams in my world, too. I've tried this thing with the cards before, and it helped then. Hoping it can help you - and me - now.

Thinking of you.

Tornadic Thoughts

I don't have specific answers, but I want to let you know as far as estate stuff, I sort of innerstand, as I'm currently working through settling my mom's.

I'm learning things I never knew I needed to know and each lesson breaks my heart a little more as it brings back the waves of grief to different degrees.

Sending you lots of heart hugs and hopes for clarity and whatever else you need to make it through. May the days and our minds be kind.

ms spock

I'm not sure I understand. Are you contesting his will? Are you simply probating his estate? Did he owe you money? Maybe you could expound on what you are trying to accomplish.

I am just going to challenge his will that he has. He had a lot of money and most of it is probably overseas. He was good at covering money trails and he worked in an area that gave him access to a whole lot of ways of moving money around. I probably won't get anything but I want on record what he did to me. I want them to have to wait for the estate to be settled and have to read the documents of what he did to me. I want the next generation to have documents to refer to when they try to work things out.

I went to see the solicitor yesterday. I read this thread and I took the courage and support for it and I fronted up and I didn't dissociate. I got teary at one point but I held it together. Then I came home and prepared for teaching today. I was on fire with my teaching today all the kids and parents were really into it all and we had a great morning doing outdoor science and art. I have eaten chocolate, tubs of ice cream etc but I dealt with a bully at work today who literally just stood there the whole time I was teaching and stared at me.

I want to have my say. I want it documented what he did to me.

ms spock

Can you give us a little bit more clarification on what the writing is needed for @ms spock?

I was writing my life in a snap shot what he did to me. The last time he tried to rape me in my early 20s. The time he strangled my Mother. The sexual abuse. The assaults. The stalking. The threats of killing my siblings. The what of what happened and how it I struggle every day. How I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression, nightmares, eating, panic attacks, etc etc How I can't keep friendships because I can't manage connection. How I regret running away from home. That I should have stayed he could have killed us all and the pain would be finished.

ms spock

Thank you for doing this. It's not a small thing - our wildlife needs more people like you:hug:
You are welcome! There is so much I couldn't go to the Koala Habitat Mapping Meeting and Management tonight I was just too tired after the day.

The solicitor rang me and said that the only asset left is the house which is enabling partner/wife has and that there's nothing else. I know that is not true. I most likely won't get anything but I have slid in the door with less that double digits in days to put in a claim. So at least it's done. I did it.

ms spock

Thinking of you.
Thank you I read your post and I took a few sentences in my heart down to the solicitor's office to front up and put in the two and a half pages that I had written down. I am like looking out from a fish bowl at the moment. I could not even respond enough to like a post but I read your post and I could let a few sentences go in and I teared up for a moment. Then I went and did it. I went and talked about my Father and his catastrophic effects on my life. I took the two and a half pages. I spoke to the solicitor. He is going to follow it up. Even if I get nothing. I will have my say. I will have it recorded. I really wish I had enough in my to charge him whilst he was alive but I was too petrified of him. He is paid killer. He was in Vietnam and he was sadistic and the rest. Anyway this is my closure. I will tie up the estate for a short time. I will have my say.

ms spock

@ms spock , having read @joeylittle reply there is nothing i can add - its such a caring, considered and powerful reply.
I just want to wish you both well.

Thank you I am still here and I went and taught so well today. I was on fire despite the crazy lady 65 years old who literally came and did nothing but glare at me the whole time I was teaching. When I saw her my anxiety went through the roof and my mouth went totally dry. It was terrible. But I really pulled it together and taught so well. Even when Crazy Lady who is 65 years old was critiquing me whilst I was teaching. Because had been passive aggressive and hadn't run everyone to let them know the change of venue so I spent last night ringing folks but hey I pulled it all together and it was great.